


Blurred Lines

by Idkwtfimdoing



Category: Shameless (US), Shameless (US) RPF
Genre: Anal Fingering, Angry Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ass Play, Body Worship, Boys In Love, Cheating, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Closeted Character, Come Swallowing, Comeplay, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Infidelity, Emotional Sex, Engagement, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, First Time Bottoming, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hand Jobs, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Inner Dialogue, Jealousy, M/M, Miscarriage, Mutual Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Pregnancy, Rimming, Shameless, Slow Build, Smut, Therapy, Time Skips, mosher
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-04-27 15:03:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 62,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14428062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idkwtfimdoing/pseuds/Idkwtfimdoing
Summary: Let me start by saying I update when I get inspired, therefore I am a lot more pleased with what I publish.My personal goal is at least one chapter each month, though.This is a Cam and Noel(Mosher) fic that starts in season four.For potential legal reasons, I will say this is a work of fiction.Feedback appreciated!Thank you to themetalmotel for the amazing artwork!!





	1. Chapter 1

October 2013

He couldn’t tell you the exact day, month, or even year he let himself feel something more than platonic for the same sex. Maybe it was after he had gotten through several dozen therapy sessions to determine that those feelings were not originating from the inappropriate relations he had fallen victim to in his younger years, the years that were supposed to be a child’s most innocent, the years that adults tend to look back on with nostalgia and wish them back. This was not the case for him, he wished those years buried and gone. But they never would be of course, nor the memories of trauma at the hands of sick and twisted older men of the business, who more often than not you’d hear took advantage of young children just starting out, taking them under their wings of knowledge and power and making meal tickets out of them.

Sexual abuse is a darkness in Hollywood and only his therapist and his mother knew of the shadows lurking forever in his mind, something that therapy could never erase but could only help him climb atop and see the lighter areas in the world around him. Years, it took him years to accept that maybe his attraction to the same sex had nothing to do with the harm that had befell him at the young age, but that maybe, just maybe he was born this way. He was not simply the prey of a deranged predator, but perhaps the product of fate. He wasn’t “out” but he wasn’t going to hide forever either, and he kept telling himself he wasn’t even really hiding, he just hadn’t found someone worth the brash public spotlight that would no doubt be the result.

Lately he found himself sitting in his newly rented LA apartment, drink in hand, musing deep thoughts that he never let loose outside the confines of his own mind, and even then, it was not often that he let them out. But with the help of too much alcohol that old door which held his deepest and darkest secrets behind it would creak open just enough.

He took another sip of his room temperature whiskey, feeling the dull burn sizzle down his throat and tickle his nose, and he squeezed his eyes shut as he willed the door to shut again on the thought that had wandered out. Since he was still under the legal drinking age, the privacy of his apartment was one of the few places he could feel free to partake in his beverage of choice, and therefore it just so happened that the quiet apartment was also where he’d dig up his deepest thoughts since they went hand in hand with stout drinks and silence.

He quickly went to change the channel from the news story of a Hollywood child star coming forward with tales of abuse, a former child star with sad eyes who would now always be viewed by the world with pity. Cam didn’t want that for himself, never wanted his innards laid bare and exposed to the wolves of the world, to see gossip of his past and be looked at through the eyes of strangers who couldn’t relate and now only saw him as a skeleton of himself. This was the news story which had triggered his own deep thoughts tonight.

The next channel wasn’t much better, a commercial for some new drug to make you a happier person. Was he happy? He thought he was, he should be. Life and work were going great, as he'd been filming nonstop for the past year it seemed, various parts in low budget movies but they were parts and work nonetheless. He was due back on set to begin filming a new episode Shameless tomorrow and the show’s success was showing no signs of letting up. He was happy enough for that.

Though he also had no significant other to speak of, he made due with the occasional warm body in his bed on nights he became just a little too lonely. Bodies that were mostly female still, as well as the occasional discreet male. That’s all he needed right now and it’s all he really had the time for anyway. He had avoided an actual commitment as far as relationships go for a long time, always really. He didn’t want to feel obligated to unravel his tarnished past and dump loads of unwanted baggage in the name of total honesty that a true relationship undoubtedly required. So that problem was solved by just avoiding it all together.

Yet another change of the channel had him landing on Fight Club, a movie he’d seen a hundred times but what was once more. He laid back onto the arm of his sofa, legs spread out on the length of it, glass of whiskey propped on his boxer clad thigh and settled in to watch the last hour of the film.

Just as he was about to fall asleep during the ending credits he heard his phone buzz on the coffee table in front of him. His first thought was to leave it for in the morning and continue drifting off into his almost slumbering state, sprawled across the couch, his glass was empty by now, until he figured on second thought, he’d need to set it down anyways.

He reluctantly sat upright and leaned over to set down the glass and pick up his iPhone.

His vision was a bit blurred as he squinted to check the message, rubbing his eye with the heel of his left hand as he swiped right with the thumb of his other and up popped a message from “Izzy” with an attachment. He pressed his thumb again on the notification to open the message and was greeted with a picture of Noel and Izzy smiling wide smiles into the camera with a message that said, “We miss you, can’t wait for tomorrow!”

He couldn’t help but smile back at his phone, then took a selfie with an exaggerated a grin and sent it right back, quickly typing “Miss you guys too. Can’t wait!”

He hadn’t heard from Noel all summer and he honestly wished they talked more often than they did. Last year during filming they had gotten closer, talked every day for months straight, but then once filming had stopped so did the chats. Except for the occasional Twitter shout out or tag regarding the show, it stayed pretty quiet. Noel had seemed to be able to separate himself from work friendships, if he even considered Cam his friend. Cam couldn’t exactly say the same and would be lying if he said the sudden lack of communication hadn’t stung a bit and he wasn’t sure why. He could typically separate work and personal life as well, but for some reason with Noel, it was different.

He was ready to be back on set filming with Noel and everyone else too. They were his home away from home and he missed them dearly. His character, Ian, had been missing for several episodes so far this season and this gave Cam time to finish up other projects he had. But now Ian was returning and Cam couldn't help but be a little excited about that.

He grabbed the remote and powered off his television before planting his feet firmly on the floor and easing up from the couch. He stretched his arms over his head and let out a low, tired groan, then moved around the coffee table and made his way to his bedroom, which was off to his left, adjacent to the living room. His king-sized bed with a cloudlike gray comforter spread on top of it was a welcoming sight and he all but flung himself downward to meet it with his long body and heavy limbs. Sleep overtook him quickly and if he happened to dream of the bright blue eyes and soft, sweet grin of the man in the text attachment standing beside Izzy that he received a short time earlier, he would refuse to overthink it when he woke up in the morning. The reasoning could simply be locked away like so much else that haunted his mind, and lock it away he would.

***

The neon blue numbers on his bedside clock taunted him as they read 5:15 am. He hadn’t slept much at all throughout the night after Izzy had left his house. They had spent several hours running their lines in preparation for a full day of scenes. It was pertinent that he felt prepared for each day of work and so on days when table reads and practicing on closed sets didn’t feel like enough, they opted for an evening of post studio drinks and script reads on their own. He glared hard at the blue lights beside him, willing them to rewind a few hours before he was ultimately left with the decision to try and sleep for another hour, a plan which he had tried and unsuccessfully accomplished all night, or just get up and have an extra cup of coffee which he’d no doubt need today. He blinked twice, slowly, let out a breathy sigh and eased up on an elbow to turn toward the warm body lying next to him.

Layla’s dark, unruly locks were delicately disheveled, draped across her peaceful, sleep drawn face and her breath was soft and quiet. She was beautiful, a fact that he never let pass him by even after so many years together. She was a rare woman of beauty inside and out, and they'd been together since 2005, nearly a decade now, which in Hollywood was nearly a lifetime. It seemed that way sometimes too, not in a negative way, just in more of a settled sort of way. They usually interacted more like roommates now than any kind of young doe eyed couple, but he simply chalked that up to simply being seasoned in the relationship, to being comfortable.

But both sides of their families were also waiting not so patiently for a wedding that he wasn’t sure would even happen. He knew Layla wanted a ring, wanted more, but every time he felt like it was something he could bring himself to do, he clammed up and retreated, many times resulting in them spending a few days apart and him giving various reasons for his distance. He wasn’t exactly afraid of marriage, hell they practically were married now. They shared a home together with their two cats, but he still couldn’t seem to put a finger on why he had such hesitation when it came to taking that final step. Though he sometimes felt like he had missed a path that he was meant to take on his journey to get to marriage, even if he wasn't sure what that path was. He was happy where they were though, he was satisfied, and he assumed Layla felt the same most days, which was good enough for him.

She let out a small sleepy yawn which woke him from his thoughtful trance, and thought he would make her a cup of coffee as well since she usually went to the gym shortly after he’d leave to go into work for a day of filming. Easing up onto his other elbow, then shifting to the edge of the bed he swung his legs over the side and sat up, running a hand through his dark hair and giving a squeeze to his neck before rolling it to get a satisfying pop of adjustment. He then made his way out of the room and into their open concept kitchen that overlooked the den-like living area where the walls were made solely of large windows that let the morning light come flooding into the space.

Once his coffee was brewing, he grabbed a granola bar from its box on the kitchen counter and tore open the wrapper with his teeth, taking a bite as he rummaged around in the dishwasher full of clean dishes to find a coffee mug. Coffee was soon poured, and he was well on his way to finishing his first cup as he leaned back against the kitchen counter and conducted a quick scroll through Twitter. He then paused his thumb to see that Cam had posted a tweet this morning about how happy he was to be united with his Shameless family for the rest of the season and Noel smiled.

He suddenly felt giddy, like maybe the coffee had already kicked in or maybe he just mirrored Cam’s sentiments, he wasn't sure which. It had been awhile since he had seen his co-star, and though he kept in touch with several other cast members during down time, he and Cam seemed to distance themselves when they weren’t required to be around each other for work. He didn’t know whose fault it was though really, if there was any fault to be had at all. He genuinely enjoyed the other man’s company, their effortless conversations about anything and everything especially. Noel might even call what they had a connection, a bond, one that helps them with the roles they play and the relationship their characters have on the show, more so than really any other person he'd worked with. Their chemistry was unique.

The time on his phone said it was 6 am as he set down his now empty mug and made his way back to the bedroom where Layla was now rustling sleepily around under the sheets, coming into the early stages of waking for the day. He walked to his closet and flipped on the light, eyes wandering quickly over the shirts he had hanging inside and reached to pull a black v-neck off it’s hanger. He tugged the fabric over his head and shoulders, then moved to the drawers below the hanging shirts to pull out the first pair of jeans his eyes landed on, not bothering to search much since they all fit and were all basically the same. He never overthought outfits anyway and kept his style was simple; whatever is comfortable and fits.

“Mmm, morning…” Layla mumbled from the bed. Noel turned and shot her a soft smile, as natural light began to fill the room a bit near the bed and he could see her deep, brown eyes peeking out at him from under the covers.

“Good morning babe, about to head to work but I made you some coffee.” He moved over to the bed and ruffled his hand playfully through her messy hair much to her dismay. She flailed her arm at him in defense and he moved back with a laugh.

He then turned back to the closet to grab a pair of sneakers, bending down to put them on and lace them up.

“See you later?” Layla was sitting up and cross-legged in bed now, with their comforter puddled around her hips, rubbing the sleep from her eyes with thin, dainty fingers.

“Of course,” he replied, “I’ll call you when I leave work and we can grab some dinner later.” Noel made his way back over to her and brushed his lips against her forehead before heading out their bedroom door.

He was ready for this work day to start, so much so that it wasn’t until he was out of the house and halfway to the studio that he realized he failed to get that second cup of coffee. But his giddy mood had carried him through the morning thus far and he predicted with a mood this good, he may not need that extra push anyway. He was ready for today, ready to see Cam and pick up where they left off so many months ago. Jitters flooded into his body at that thought, but he just brushed them away as quickly as they’d come, having gotten better at doing so. These were the same jitters that had halted his fingertips when they'd moved to press send on the numerous texts he’d attempted to write to Cam over the last several months but had failed so many times, the very same jitters that he kept brushing off as work related, jitters that made him think that perhaps the distance between them during their down time was in fact someone’s fault, perhaps his own. Because if he let himself really feel those jitters, he was afraid of what they’d show him, of what subconscious knowledge he’d suddenly become privy to, and there was no room in his settled life for any such complications.

***

Halloween 2013

“Jesus, took you long enough to finish…” Aiden sat back on his heels and wiped at the corners of his mouth with an exasperated sigh.

Cam tucked himself back into his pants and leaned his head back against the back of the leather seat of the limo they had ridden in to get to the Macy Halloween party, “Sorry, man.” He offered a glance of feigned apology as his latest fling rolled his eyes and moved to sit next to him on the along the seat.

He had met Aiden at Warner Brothers studio earlier in the month while filming. The man had been catering meals with the catering company he worked for, serving plates to the cast and they had kept locking eyes at every turn during the luncheon. Eventually they'd ended up alone together within the privacy of a back hallway and Aiden made a move that Cam didn’t reject. It really hadn't been any more complicated than that. He was attractive enough, had dark brown hair that always looked a bit tussled and sky blue almond shaped eyes, broad shoulders, a plump ass, full lips and a hellish mouth with excellent suction. These were the only things about the man that really mattered to Cam anyways.

He had tried to avoid bringing Aiden with him to the party but when he’d mentioned going he saw how the brunette’s eyes lit up, and he began rambling about always wanting to be the Phantom of the Opera for Halloween, to which Cam had smirked and retorted “Well I’m not going to be your fucking Christine.” The remark drew out a mildly offended “I didn’t fucking want you to, dick,” from Aiden. So then after about an hour of sad puppy dog eyes from the brunette man, Cam reluctantly invited him to come, but only “as friends.” Although he was definitely pleased that the result of the invite was an hour of head and ass play which was Aiden’s form of a thank you, well received, and he couldn't complain about that.

But here they were, pulling up to Bill’s house, post road head, and Cams heart was anywhere else but here. He hadn’t even bothered dressing up tonight, settling for a snug green long sleeved sweater and dark jeans, leaving his red locks loose and gel free. He mused to himself that he hadn’t drunk enough before going out tonight and was almost regretting this entire decision. It also didn’t help that Aiden had drank a bit too much and kept trying to kiss him on his lips, which was something that Cam wasn’t comfortable with yet. So they had just awkwardly kept their physical distance after the fourth rejection from Cam, until Aiden’s attempt to make things less stuffy with an encore of warm mouth and tongue aerobics on Cam’s cock. The last thing he wanted was a drunk Aiden outing him to all his coworkers tonight. It was enough of a risk to have brought him here, but for some reason the sex was good and he just wanted to keep it around for a little longer than usual. Maybe he was lonelier than he’d let himself admit.

He knew he needed to reign in his annoyance before he ended up ruining both of their nights and causing a scene but damn it, this was the very reason why he didn’t do much more than fuck around with others. He liked his own bubble and low-key levels of risk and this was fucking risky.

“Why’d we take a limo anyway? This shit isn’t even me.” Cam mumbled, staring out the window as the vehicle came to a halt in front of the large, white, Mediterranean-style home with a stone fountain and palm trees on the large green lawn.

“Jesus, I thought it’d be fun to rent one. Are you going to be like this all night? Maybe I should just tell the driver to take my ass home…” Aiden huffed as he adjusted his mask on his pouty face.

Cam had to bite his tongue and not respond with a smart-ass remark of agreement. He knew deep down Aiden didn’t deserve to bear the brunt of his own self-serving attitude, as much as he might enjoy dishing it out at the moment.

“Hey, no. It’s cool.” He turned to Aiden while he held the door handle with his right hand and leaned in to lightly kiss his jawline and flicker his tongue over the spot on his neck that he knew drove the other man wild. He then leaned back and was met with twinkling blue eyes and a knowing grin from an easily pleased Aiden.

“You’re going to wanna fuck in a random room in this house, aren’t you?” Aiden raised an eyebrow mischievously and licked his lips.

Cam shrugged and let a small chuckle echo through his throat as he opened the door to step out from the limo, the ridiculous over the top fucking limo. He didn’t feel like fucking tonight, but he’d already soured the mood enough between the two men, so he just let it go.

The driveway was lined with desert themed plants and lighting structures, the long walkway up to the tall entryway of the home’s front door was made of small pebbles and rocks all cemented together. Vines framed the front doorway and the porch light basked the two men in a soft, golden glow.

“Friendly, okay?” Cam reminded Aiden as he rapped several steady knocks on the tall, pale-wooded door.

Aiden nodded curtly, “Friendly,” he mirrored, not meeting Cam’s eyes.

“Cameron!” Felicity exclaimed as she swung open the thick, wide door and waved her hand in a motion urging them to come inside “And guest!” she added as her eyes met that of his companion, “Come on in! Everyone is here, and Bill is well on his way to passing out before the games even begin so go take his liquor from him and have it for yourself,” she winked, knowing Cam wasn’t of legal age to drink but among friends no one cared.

Cam smiled appreciatively, “Where…?”

“Kitchen!!!!” he heard a voice boom from the end of the long hallway just inside the door, “And get your own damn drink! Don’t listen to my wife!” Felicity rolled her eyes and laughed while Cam made his way towards the kitchen with Aiden in tow.

Turning into the large black and white colored kitchen he was greeted by familiar faces, wide smiles, and loud voices talking over each other around the little island in the middle of the room.

“Monaghan!” Steve called from a small bar beside the large bay window in the back corner of the room “I have you a readymade drink, come on over!” he waved the two men over with an outstretched wave.

“Don’t let him fool you, he made himself this drink and it was too strong for him, so he’s been trying to pass it onto someone else for the last ten minutes,” his wife Sarah mentioned as she smirked in her husband’s direction as they approached, and he shot her a dirty look in response.

“Lies, she’s a liar Cam,” Steve smiled back at Cam once he was finished giving his wife a lingering glare of betrayal. Cam gave a light laugh and reached for the drink.

“A drink is a drink and a drink is what I fuckin need,” he grinned, just before he took a large swig of the cool, sour liquid and had to stifle a cough from it's sharpness. Cam usually liked strong drinks but the mixtures of this one just didn’t suit him, causing him to swallow hard and scrunch up his nose, as Steve and Sarah laughed. He frowned at them, then curled his brow as he resolved himself to not being a quitter and downed the rest of the drink in a single tip of it's glass.

“Damn, Riley.” Noels voice congratulated coming up beside him and patting a hand on his shoulder. Noel was the only person in the world who used Cam’s middle name as a pet name, and he was also the only person in the world who didn’t make Cam cringe by using it.

He threw a cocky nod Noels way as he turned to greet the man beside him now, immediately taking in his costume “Hey…oh, so you had the Phantom idea as well? How original,” he winked at the man grinning from beneath the white puzzle piece like mask.

Noel darted his eyes over to Aiden who Cam had all but forgotten about until he saw the more handsome version of the Phantom about ten seconds ago. “I see,” he noted, “Great minds must think alike eh?”

Aiden blushed beneath his similar mask, “Guess so.”

“You gonna introduce us to your friend?” Noel extended his empty hand to Aiden, taking a sip from his drink grasped within the other, and Aiden slowly raised his own to shake. “I’m Noel,” he smiled easily.

“Uh yeah, sorry guys. This is Aiden, a friend of mine. He didn’t have anything else to do tonight and we were hanging out, so he tagged along.” Cam shuffled his feet, then reached over to the bar to grab a glass and the bottle of whiskey on bar-top nearby. ‘Time to drink up,’ he thought.

“Way to make me sound sad and desperate,” Aiden said with a chuckle, but the underlying tone told Cam he was offended by his choice of introduction. The urge to roll his eyes was too strong and so was this drink that he just poured down his throat. He was officially on a mission: Drink until he had a good night. And he intended on achieving that as quickly as he could.

As he swallowed, he noticed Noels eyes peering curiously over at him, from over the rim of his glass as he took a sip of a dark, caramel colored liquor, but when their eyes met he abruptly looked away. Unsure what that look was for, Cam just looked downward and poured another shot.

The five of them made idle chat for a few more minutes until Emmy suddenly called for everyone to join her in the den for a game of Pictionary, to which everyone agreed and began making steps down the hallway to do just that.

***

The fact that Cam had brought a male guest to the party came as quite a surprise to Noel. Cam had always showed up stag to any gathering they had, and he also didn’t have any friends Noel hadn't heard about from Cam in some capacity, besides now apparently Aiden. Not that Noel felt the need to be in the know about every single one of Cams friends, but he and Cam talked about things like that and plenty more all the time. They had become even closer just in the couple weeks since filming had begun and surely, he would have mentioned an Aiden especially if he were important enough to bring to an event with everyone else.

Noel sat back into the cushions of Bill’s white, overstuffed love seat, lost deep in thought for a moment and at times wondering why he even cared at all about who Cam brought to the party and why it really wasn’t his business ultimately anyway, nor should he care.

Layla’s right hand lay lightly on his knee as she leaned forward and tried to guess what the picture was that Shanola was drawing in front of them, just before their team’s time was up, and a sudden squeeze of her hand brought Noel back to the present as she turned to him with a bright red-lipped smile, “We won! It was a Giraffe!” she cheered.

Noel glanced at the vague scribbling of an image atop the large, white sheet of paper sitting on the easel in front of the fire place and squinted, “That’s a llama,” he corrected with a point.

“It is not! Look at the spots!” Shanola countered as she waved her hand towards the poorly drawn animal and pursed her lips at him.

Noel gave it a second glance, the amusement in his eyes remaining and gave his head a quick shake, “Llama, for sure,” he stated confidently.

Layla gently smacked his arm and shook her head as Shanola gave a loud grunt of feigned annoyance.

“Don’t quit your day job, baby,” her husband chuckled as he took her into his arms and gave an affectionate nuzzle to her neck with his nose.  
Up next was his own team.

Cam was up at the white paper, marker in hand, setting his sixth or seventh drink atop the fireplace mantel behind him, not that Noel was counting how many drinks he’d had but it was certainly making the guy light on his feet and finally bringing about a smile from the formerly somber red head.

His lines were wavy, but he managed to make pretty decent renditions of things that had his team guessing correctly, most of the time. When Noel would get one right Cam would shout victoriously and punch the air in celebration, and Noel also didn’t miss the side eye looks Aiden kept shooting him from across the room. If Noel didn’t know any better he’d think Aiden was a little jealous of the over zealous attention Cam threw his way, silently almost seething as he sat in his spot unnoticed by the redhead at the easel. But he just ignored the looks and engaged in each air punch with Cam, mirroring his enthusiasm with each and every one. It was the other man's loss really, but Noel didn't care. He and Cam were good friends, in sync with many things and that just doesn’t come overnight to a new friend like Aiden was apparently. So he would just have to sulk at the comradery.

Pictionary ended with the ladies as the proud and final victors, despite the men trying to distract them with relentless taunts and heckling during the last leg of the game in a last-ditch effort to win.

“Pure luck I tell ya, pure luck!” Bill huffed as he threw a wink at Felicity.

“If you men would have laid off the booze long enough maybe you could have won more and seen double less.” Emmy laughed her melodic laugh and dodged flying shoe from Jeremy. “Hey! No one likes sore losers or your nasty bare feet!” she hollered.

Noel was enjoying his warm buzz and Layla’s warm body heat beside him as his eyes wandered the room just observing the smiles on everyone’s faces, everyone but Aiden’s it seemed, as his line of sight landed on the other phantom in the room. He seemed to be lowly arguing with Cam, covering his mouth strategically with his hand accompanied by a couple shakes of the head and a narrowing in his eyes, before he finally rose to his feet and made his way to leave the room when Cam had responded in a manner that obviously didn’t please him. He seemed to be uptight and be bringing Cam’s mood down and Noel hated to see that, making a mental note to inquire a bit about this Aiden friend when he and Cam talked next. But the urge to take a bathroom break interrupted his comfortable and observant haze, and he rose to his feet as well.

He excused himself and made his way to the doorway Aiden walked through moments ago, adjusting his mask which was getting a bit constricting and resorting to take it off once he made his way into the bathroom that was just a few steps down a short, narrow hall. Closing the door behind him he felt the air rush to his skin as he took the mask off and laid it on the black and white marbled counter beside the sink. He took a look at himself in the mirror before he made his way to the ivory to do his business and rubbed a hand down his face to bring the blood back to it, looking back at his own sparkly blue eyes which appeared to be rather taken by alcohol at the moment.

As he turned on his heels to make his way to the urinal he heard a rasp on the door and his eyes darted down toward the lock to confirm he had in fact locked it. He was just about to call out that the bathroom was obviously occupied when a familiar muffled voice echoed through the crack in the closed door instead.

“Look, I get that I haven’t been the best date tonight, but it doesn’t have anything to do with Noel,” came Cam's voice in a quiet, hushed tone.

Noel paused and didn't speak. He knew he should stop and correct Cam right then so he didn’t vent to the wrong man in the wrong restroom but something stopped him. Curiosity perhaps, he didn’t know. But he just stayed silent.

“Noel is straight and he’s with Layla,” explained Cam, “There’s never been anything between us other than friendship,” he assured in a whisper, “You can’t just get mad at me and assume shit simply because you felt a vibe between us, that you’re clearly misreading. Just talk to me, Aiden.”

Noel felt a hot, piercing heat rush into his face as his eyes widened and his mouth and throat immediately become the Sahara fucking Desert.

Cam is gay?!

He wasn’t even sure if he was breathing anymore and he wasn’t sure of the emotions coursing through his veins, but he stayed shock frozen where he stood.

He suddenly felt terrible for not having stopped Cam when he should have. He'd let the man unveil a huge secret about himself for his own selfish curiosity. But how could he have known that's what he was going to say? Did he even hear him right? So, Cam and Aiden were… lovers?

Cam cleared his throat outside the door, and Noel just stared, “Fine, be that way, man. I’m calling myself a cab back home. You can take the fucking limo.” His footsteps padded off down the corridor and away from the restroom.

Finishing his business like he had originally came there for was a blur and Noel just wanted to get out of there and fast, hoping that Cam wouldn’t see him exit when he did. After quickly washing his hands he jerked the door open to see Aiden passing by, he met his eyes with a curt nod and the other man gave a stiff smile and kept walking. Noel waited to walk until there was some distance between them, then cautiously followed after.

Everyone was still laughing and drinking in the den, and his eyes fell on Cam who was giving a pouting Aiden the cold shoulder, knowing he was sure he’d figure out very soon that it wasn’t Aiden he’d just had that revealing conversation with. He didn’t really want to be around for that moment when Cam put two and two together and figured out that he blurted his secret to Noel, not at all. So he made his way back over to Layla who was standing and talking to Emmy by the fireplace and gently touched her lower back. She turned to him with a sweet, hazy smile and a Champagne glaze in her eyes.

“Mind if we head out…soon?” he rubbed his hand in a circle in its place on her back. She looked at a bit confused as Emmy sighed.

“You’re leaving us too? You and Cam are some party poopers!” she said.

Noel gave a small chuckle “You know I can’t hang with you young folks in my old age.”

***

Another shitty date, another day of pretending to give a shit about someone’s feelings towards him.

Cam laid in his bed staring blankly into the dark towards his ceiling. He had ignored Aiden’s calls and texts after he left the party, because he didn’t have time or care for the dramatics that came with Aiden’s feelings for him and his misplaced jealousy.

He had seemed unphased by Cams bathroom wooing and didn’t even bring it up, so Cam felt as though he did his part at trying to spare feelings and now he was over it.

It was by no fault of his own that Aiden had apparently sat and misread every little joke or jostle between he and Noel the whole night and jealousy was an unbecoming trait, especially coming from someone who's supposed to be nothing more than a casual fuck buddy.

Cam let out a heavy sigh and tossed himself over within bed until he was facing the window on his right side, the neon lights of Josie’s bar and grill across the street flashing a steady beat of green, which always gave him a strangely comforting rhythm to focus on and fall asleep to at night. His apartment was on the second floor and so the sign was in his direct line of sight and it also doubled as a night light on nights he needed to take a piss in the adjoining bathroom of his room.

He felt his lids getting heavy as he watched the sign light, on, off, on, off, on… never changing, steady and sure.

Cam hoped that Noel hadn’t noticed the tension he knew he was probably emitting before he left and he hated that Aiden fucked with his head and mood like that in front of him. To be fair his mood was already off before the party, but still, it didn’t help that Aiden acted like a child. He cared about his friendship with Noel far more than whatever he had with Aiden.

It was a friendship, that’s what it was, bros before hoes. Aiden was the latter in this scenario with Noel, and therefore he was expendable.

***

“You okay, honey?” Layla hummed as she pulled her thick, dark curls up into a messy bun to get ready to lay down in bed alongside Noel. He had been oddly quiet and somber the whole drive home and now they were getting ready to catch some sleep.

Noel pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger, “Uh, yea. Think so…” he gave a small apologetic smile to Layla who leaned over to press a small but loving kiss to his lips, which he returned in kind.

“That was convincing, well if you want to talk about anything…” She continued, leaving the statement open ended in offering.

He nodded, thought quietly to himself for a moment, then turned off the bedside lamp and went to scoot into a laying position in their bed.

He stared blankly upward for what seemed like an eternity, going over what he had found out tonight, or did he perhaps just misunderstand? It was all just so confusing.

He never would have guessed the man was gay. Granted he was only really around Cam part of the year each year but he almost felt guilty and wrong because for some reason this was a side of himself Cam wanted to keep away from even his closer friends. Of course, he had zero obligation to tell them, but Noel couldn’t help but feel as though he were a bad friend because Cam didn’t trust him with such an important part of who he was. He felt he had to hide, but maybe those were other issues that Cam had and it didn’t really have anything to do with the quality of friendships he had around him.

Noel felt a headache coming on and he knew he needed to just shut his thoughts off and get some sleep, but he felt that to be an impossibility right now until he over thought every bit of the occurrence of tonight. He also wondered if he should share his experience and thoughts with Layla, but then again it wasn’t his news to tell. He was lost in his own thoughts of Cam until he couldn’t hold his eyes open in the pitch of the room anymore just a few hours later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta'd by SapphireIsle92


	2. Chapter 2

November 2013

When their parted lips came together everything became silent, still, quiet.  
Like the moment of silence during a thunder storm, after the lightning claps and before the thunder roars.

Cams lips and tongue laced with a bite of the alcohol he’d thrown back several minutes before.

The kiss is like a dance of sorts, a dance of wills and passion. Not your high school prom, sit against a wall and wait around for a faulty dance partner type of tangle, but a fierce embrace of every reach and leap of the human body, daring to test your limits and strength, intermingling together as one.

His breath was lost in one moment and given back to him the next, the kind of give and take that he never knew he needed, like revival from a darkness that he hadn't known was there.

Their hands were on each other’s necks, skin and hair, pulling each other impossibly closer into a delicate mingle of tongues and teeth, and then…

The storm raged and the thunder clapped as the boom of the director’s voice suddenly came piercing through the surge inside his mind, the music in the dance club around beating back into his ears, “Cut!” he shouted, “Great shot, guys! Just perfect!” the director praised, “That’s a wrap, now get out of here and enjoy your holiday!”

The two men couldn’t meet eyes for a brief second and Cam just chalked it up to transitioning out of their characters, slowly letting dissipate the focus of emotions that always lingered a bit after such intense scenes. It was part of the process.

“Gonna get this outfit back to wardrobe and wash this shit out of my hair. You are coming?” Noel broke the silence the duo had been idly basking in, patting the top of his hair which hardly budged and feigned a look of mild of disgust.

Cam smiled, then nodded rather enthusiastically, pinching the waistband of his tiny gold dancer shorts between two fingers, pulling on it and then letting it pop back to his skin with a snap, making Noel punch out a laugh.

“Let’s fucking go,“ Cam agreed.

The two men walked through the crowd of extras and production crew milling about around them, then through the exit doors and outside, meeting the bright, glaring sunshine with sensitive squinting eyes, “Wish these things came with a place to hide sunglasses,” Cam mused as he moved a hand up to shield his eyes as they walked.

“Those shorts can’t hide shit,” Noel commented with a chuckle, and Cam felt a sudden heat rise into his face, wondering if Noel meant it how Cam took it. Judging by the clearing of Noel’s throat followed by an abrupt change of topic, Cam assumed they were both feeling similarly, but he bit his tongue in silence.

“So, Uh Thanksgiving plans?” Noel asked curiously, managing a friendly smile, but let his eyes flicker around elsewhere before glancing back to the man beside him.

Cam found himself smirking a little at the man's demeanor, finding the fluster of him kind of charming and cute, then gave a small shrug, “I guess, mom’s just cooking entirely too much food for us at her place since our family is all back in Florida. So, it’s just her and I. We aren’t making a trip there until Christmas probably. Who knows though really,” he said.

“Sounds like my kind of holiday gathering; Simple, small and food-centric.” Noel grinned and Cam laughed with a nod.

“Yea, the food is always bomb when mom and I cook, if I do say so myself,“ bragged Cam with a smug confidence and held up his chin.

“Which you do,” Noel gave Cam an amused smirk, who then shrugged again as a wider smile crept onto his lips in response and he simply blinked at him. Noel curled his tongue beneath his lip and raises his eyebrows curiously.  
“Didn’t know you cooked,” mentioned Noel with intrigue. Cam met the other mans eyes that were fixed on his profile and held his smile.

“Yea, my mom taught me most of what I know,” Cam explained, then pushed out his chin again, “ Well, either her or I tend to just get bored and experiment at home on the weekends,” he said, then gave the man a point, “I’ll have to cook you something sometime,” the words left Cam’s mouth before he could lasso them back in and he suddenly tried not to feel awkward and save himself a bit, “If you’re ever bored too or whatever,” he added quietly.

Cam picked up his pace and bit the corner of his lip, admonishing himself for the lame cover he'd managed and tried to distract himself with a tight, focused squint toward the wardrobe trailer just ahead. He was suddenly determined to get there faster, refusing to allow another verbal slip up from either man. Maybe Noel didn’t take the comment like Cam thought he might, he hoped he didn’t.

Noel picked up his pace to keep up with Cam huffing out a, “Jesus, Flash… “ as he tried to match his steps. Cam chuckled at the nickname and quickened his pace even more, this time in jest.

“Oh, come on!” he called as the other man quickly out-tread him.

Noel came to a complete halt and threw up his hands, a wide grin taking over his face and he shook his head loosely at the redhead now taking off across the lot. And with that, any awkwardness that'd be there was quickly lost almost in an instant.

***

It had been about a month since Cam had unknowingly confessed his sexual orientation to person behind a bathroom door, and it had been about a month since Noel had gotten a decent night’s sleep since he'd left that very same bathroom. The fact that the two could be tied was not lost on him in the slightest, but it was hard not to think about it. Most nights found him so sleepless he ended up in the living room on the narrow, little couch beside their porch door that had clearly bought more for decorative viewing than actual comfort.

He just couldn’t sleep.

He didn’t know whether Cam knew of his misspeak or not and this made the nights even longer.

Noel felt guilty and he felt wrong, and that's really all there was to it. He didn’t like feeling this way, but he also didn’t want to confess the fact that he literally let Cam out himself to him, unknowingly to him, and for no good reason. He almost felt like he'd betrayed him.

He didn’t want things between them to change or sour or completely break apart. They had grown closer than ever during the current filming season and he thoroughly enjoyed his stronger footing with Cameron. He didn't want to lose that and Noel was scared that now he just might.

Tonight, was one such night, Layla had kicked him out of their bed for his incessant tossing and turning and he was laying face up on the sofa, hands folded on his chest like a corpse in his coffin, staring blankly up at the shadows scattered across his ceiling.

A corpse. That's what he was.

That’s what he fucking felt like anyway, his lack of sleep pleading with his heavy eyes to succumb to slumber, solice, rest.

He checked his phone one last time before silencing it for the night with a single, lazy blink.

2:47am.

Fuck.

Text message from Cam.

He scrunched his brows in curiosity with confusion in his gaze and pressed the notification with the pad of his right thumb.  
“ _Go the fuck to sleep_ ,” it read.

How did he know Noel was awake? He paused in thought and shot of a simple reply.

“ _How’d ya know?”_ and almost immediately there was a reply.

“ _You liked my ig pic like five minutes ago. Unless you got hacked. Or you were sleep scrolling.”_

Noel rolled his eyes and smiled as his screen, dropping his head back a bit and biting his lip.

_“Shut up. You go to sleep.“_

_“You first.”_

A light chuckle escaped Noel’s throat. This guy.

 _“Sleep tight, Riley_.“ he offered, then tapped his phone to lock it and tossed it the short distance to the ground beside the couch, a small smile still stuck to his lips.

Sleep finally came to him pretty easily after that.

***

“We need couples counseling.” Layla had her arms crossed as she leaned stiffly back against the kitchen counter and her boyfriend's eyes widened with absurdity.

“Because I don’t want to go see your family with you tonight?” Noel shot back, flabbergasted and taken aback at such a notion.

It was Thanksgiving in the states and Canada had already had their own version of the holiday a whole month earlier. Some of Layla’s family had come to town last minute and Noel was not feeling at all like having a night out with a pack of her cousins, no doubt being peppered with the age-old question of when he was finally going to make an honest woman out of her, when he was finally going to make the ultimate commitment to their precious Layla and if he didn’t think she was good enough to be his wife. And quite honestly, Noel was just sick of it.

“Every damn time we hang out with them you always get made to feel inferior and because they tell you that they don't think I’m committed to you,” said Noel with a hard crease in his brow, “As if you can’t have a relationship without a ring,” he spat, “Our relationship is fine the way it is,” he said.

Layla looked flustered, frowning deeply as she tucked a long, loose curl behind her ear with a fidgety, agitated finger. “Well they’re my family, of course they’re going to have something to say. They just care about me,” she insisted, “We’ve been together for a long time so it’s only natural they'd ask about it.” Noel just frowned further.

“They need to mind their own, we're committed in our own way,” he stated clearly, “You’re good with what we have and the pace we have and so am I,” said Noel, then raised his brow, “Until they come to town every year and fuck with your head.” Layla just held a frustrated expression, but didn’t budge and he ran a hand threw his hair with a heavy sigh. “We’re fine. We don’t need counseling,” he insisted, “Just go hang with them yourself if you want to and I’ll see ya when you get back.” Layla stayed quiet, then slowly shifted her haze to the floor and gave a nod, but didn't move.

“Hey, I love you.” Noel crossed the kitchen to take her in his arms, slowly reaching out to pull her closer. She reluctantly draped her arms around him as well, them embraced him and buried her face in his neck. “We’re good. More than good. Okay? Nothing is wrong with us,” he assured.

“I’m sorry…” mumbled Layla, “My family makes me,” she took a deep breath and exhaled weakly, “Crazy sometimes,” she finally admitted. He pulled back and held her at arm's length, giving her a soft, reassuring smile.

“Whose doesn’t though, really. Oh, hey speaking of family… Rae is coming for Christmas, that cool?”

Noel knew it would be cool. Layla and his sister got along incredibly well, and Rae always put anyone she met in a great mood.

“Of course! It’s been to long since we’ve seen her face!” Layla perked up with a small smile.

The couple embraced once more, in a slow, tight hug, then took a step apart. “So if you’re not going to join me tonight, what will you do?” Layla asked.

Noel shrugged. He hadn't really thought about that. He was hungry, soon to be bored and alone on a holiday which sounded slightly depressing, not that he had many other options to choose from. Then offer he had received not long ago popped into his mind.

_'I'll have to cook something for you sometime. If you’re ever bored or whatever.'_

“Hang out with Cam,” he told her before the words were even processed in his mind.

***

“ _What’s for dinner?”_ came a text with a flash.

Cam looked down at his phone after he finished wiping his hands on the kitchen towel.

Thinking that Noel was simply inquiring about what he was having as his holiday meal he typed a quick reply and got back to cutting potatoes and depositing them into boiling water.

A couple minutes later his message alarm sounded again.

_“Room for one more?”_

And at that nearly dropped the phone into the boiling pot of water right along with them and he stared at his screen in silence, reading the message over again. Noel was wanting to join him on Thanksgiving? Before he could respond he felt a chin rest on his shoulder.

“What’s with the face?” his mom questioned as she nuzzled her nose into the apple of her son's cheekbone. The young man simply pressed his lips together.

“Uh…do we have room for one more?” he asked, trying to conceal the hope in his tone and his mother happily raised her brow.

“Of course. Girlfriend?” she smirked smugly, backing away to look Cam better in his face.

He gave a nervous laugh. “Uh nah. Coworker,” he corrected.

She studied his face with curious green eyes, taking in his suddenly awkward demeanor, but made no move to question it. “Plenty of room, honey. Tell him to come on over,” she winked before turning on her heels and exiting the kitchen.

It was then that Cam realized that he hadn’t even mentioned a gender, but wasn't too sure it should matter too much either and he shook his head as his eyes moved back down to his phone.

 _“Yeah man come over.”_ He followed that response up with the address of his mother’s house and placed his phone back onto the counter, trying not to fidget his fingers as he took a deep breath.

Noel was coming to his mother's house, right this very moment. Noel was joining him for thanksgiving, today, tonight, now. Noel.

He ignored the flutters his stomach made and forced a nervous swallow.

Ignore

 

Ignore.

 

Ignore.

***

Diane Monaghan had a gay son.

She had always known this, ever since he was little.

She had also never once told Cameron that she knew this though.

It was his journey to go on, his road to travel.

His life. His truth to tell.

She loved him no matter what anyway.

She didn’t want to be nor did she ever try to be the clingy type of mother who couldn’t cut the leash and accept that their once baby was now a grown man. She loved that every year he grew more unique, more independent more into the person he would eventually become. And every year she hoped and prayed to whatever god there was in the universe that he grew wiser and stronger too, that above all he was happy. He seemed to be at least and that alone made her proud, made her grateful.

His dad had left when he was just a baby, never wanting to be tied down for more than a night or two and disappeared as quickly as he'd come, vanishing almost instantly after his birth. He'd never had any intention of being a father at all and Cam's mother had never tried forcing him to be one either.

She had told Cameron the story and at one point he was sad , saying he could relate to that feeling of fear, that fear of commitment and wondered if he would end up anything like his father. But she reassured him and saw right through it. He may not ever want to know, but he could, perhaps if he simply just found the right person, unlike his father. His parents were different and they were simply never meant to be.

Cam just hadn’t found the one. His soul was a good one, one worthy of love. It just hadn't come yet, but perhaps with time it would.

As a mother she knew all this, her intuition told her so. And being what one might consider a modern-day hippie, she relied on that more than most. One's gut was never wrong.

Her heart shattered the day she learned that Cam had been a victim of sexual abuse by adult men, though even shattered is too frail of a word. It had been disintegrated into a million tiny pieces and she became a mere shell of a person, blaming herself for what had happened to her son. She wasn’t a mother anymore, mothers protected their children against the evils of the world and Cam's mother had failed to do that.

She sought therapy alongside Cameron for years. It softened the blow, but it never made her not feel guilty, b ever made that nagging awful pain dull or go away.

It never let her have a redo. She was stuck with it, they both were.

If she could take it all back she would, maybe in another life. Those exist, right?

What did she do to deserve this in a past life?

For her son’s childhood to be desecrated like this.

He’d never be the same.

They’d never be the same.

Diane Monaghan had a gay son, and she loved him more than anything else in the world.

***

Noel walked up the stone sidewalk of the modest, inviting home, Cam’s mother’s house. It had a cottage feel, as the sun had just set, and the porch light cast a warm golden glow on the cozy front deck, complete with a swing and a large potted fern just beside it. He arrived at a bright, teal door, a nice contrast to the off-white home and paused… suddenly nervous about his intentions.

What was he doing here? Cam’s mother’s house. Inviting himself over on Thanksgiving. This was definitely different and definitely out of his comfort zone, yet in this very moment Noel felt anything but uncomfortable. Cam had been the first person he wanted to see after Layla went out with her cousins and sharing a holiday meal with his family felt like he was about to unwrap another layer of his friend That he'd never experienced before. Nervous as he might be, he was more excited than anything else and managed a slow deep breath as he readied himself to knock. A smile appeared as his heart thrummed and he reached out to rap on the wooden door with his knuckle.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Wait.

He shuffled on his feet as he heard voices from inside, happy excited voices.  
He smiled to himself a little wider and swallowed.

Then two beaming redheaded faces suddenly greeted him when the door swung open wide.

“You must be the coworker! Honey, come here!” an older woman gleamed, as her frizzy strawberry blonde hair fluffed and curled around her face and shoulders. She outstretched her arms and pulled Noel in for a bear hug before he could get a greeting out of his own, but hugged her back none the less.

Cam shook his head from behind her and rolled his eyes, “Mom….” he groaned.

“Diane,” she offered Noel and smiled once more as she took a welcoming step to her side and gestured with a palm inside her home. Their new guest gave a small nod.

“Noel,” he mentioned quietly as he met Cam's for just an instant before the man's mother began waving him inside.

The house smelled amazing, incense and Thanksgiving spices filled the air as the heavy, alluring aroma wafted out from within the doorway and he took a step further inside. Noel was then ushered by Diane into the kitchen and dining area which was one large, open room. A couple other people were seated around a table by the window, sipping their drinks and seemingly deep in discussion, paying no attention to the newcomer beneath the archway.

“Robert, Andrea…” Diane waved a hand towards them as she urged him by a shoulder to step deeper into the room and the pair seated at the table turned their faces toward them.

The dark-skinned woman smiled politely with a nod, “Nice to meet you.”

“You too, I'm Noel.” he smiled brightly and reached for her hand which she gave easily and they shook in greeting. His gaze shifted to the salt and peppered haired man, nodding his head as the man stated his name.

“Robert, and for the love of god don’t call me Bob.”

Noel let out an actual sudden laugh and shot him a loose, easy wave and a confirming nod. Cam just snorted from behind him.

“Yeah, definitely don’t call him Bob. He gets kinda anal about it.” Cam agreed.

“Don’t make jokes about my sexual preference, Monaghan!” Robert gasped in feigned offense.

Everyone laughed.

In Noels mind it reminded him of Cam’s sexual preference and the secret he was privy to, unbeknownst to Cam and he suddenly felt a bit of a pit begin to form in his stomach. He wondered if Cam knew about the Halloween party confession and that it wasn’t Aiden he'd spoken through that bathroom door so many weeks ago. Guilt over the secret suddenly tried to cloud his mind and sour his mood, but for the time being but he shoved it back and repressed it, willing to ignore it, for now. Maybe he could get Cam alone and just explain what happened tonight at some point, but he wasn't going to worry about it for the moment.

Andrea and Robert got back to their conversation about black holes and the universe and Noel offered his services as assistant chef to Cam while Diane went to turn on some music at the small radio atop one of the marbled kitchen counters.

“Oh, I just love this song!” she clapped excitedly as a familiar tune played through the speakers and she began to twirl in place, lost to all but herself, settling in to her own little dance, “Sweet Caroline, good times Never seemed so good!” she sang.

Noel gave the asparagus a toss in the sauté pan and turned to watch the dancing woman approaching Cam who was turning as red as his hair, waving her off and trying to avoid her grabbing hands. She wanted him to dance with her and he was hilariously trying to avoid the inevitable.

“Hands, touching hands; Reaching out, touching me, touching yooooou.” Diane crooned as she succeeded in wrapping Cam up in her arms with no more room for her son to escape. He was a solid foot taller than her and it looked comical, as she squeezed his body ever closer to her and the two of them stiffly shuffled back and forth in a very awkward yet playful dance.

By now Robert, Andrea, and Noel were laughing at the scene before them, suddenly Cam threw his hands up, “Oh what the hell,” taking his mother by the hand and twirling her around under his long, gangly arm, coming to life before their eyes, singing along with her, with a wide smile splitting over his face and crinkling his eyes.

Noel’s heart nearly choked him it rose so far into his throat as it suddenly filled full and beat a little faster. The sight before him was one he’d never witnessed. Seeing Cam outside of work, away from business, just being himself and open and jovial dancing with his lovely mother in the kitchen was a sight he just hadn't expected. He couldn’t describe the feeling he was getting seeing Cam almost in a new light, his face flushed with joy and embarrassment as the song ended and he stole a bashful glance at Noel who started clapping and shouting, “Encore, Encore!”

“Maybe you can show us your moves after dinner, Noel,” Diane breathlessly came to stand by him at the stove with a winded smirk on her lips, “Cam is a great partner to have!” she met his eyes with a look he couldn’t place, a bit mischievous perhaps, but she said nothing else.

Then was Noel’s turn to flush pink knowing he really wasn’t much of a dancer, not since he was a kid really, and that he was actually sort of shy despite being in the public eye for so much of his life. Diane noticed his change in demeanor and rubbed a hand gently along his back.

“I’m just messing around,” she said, “I am truly glad you joined us tonight! Cam doesn’t tell me about to many of his coworkers, but he’s mentioned you a time or two, so it must be more than work you two have in common,” Diane smiled, “He keeps his circle tight, so I feel honored to meet a piece of it.” Her voice was genuine and kind.

“The pleasure is all mine,” replied Noel and he gave her a genuine smile back; this woman was truly something special.

Soon after that, the group worked together to set the table and bring the freshly prepared food over to place atop it and they all settled in to eat.

The dinner was filled with nonstop laughter, joking, along with the occasional inquiry to get to know others that Noel threw into the mix.

He learned Andrea was a professor of Arts at the University of California. She had such a strong passion for the subject and took great interest in talking with Noel about acting and how she felt that many people were in it for the glory nowadays and not for the storytelling, the artistry, the craft. He agreed and they found a common ground there.

Robert owned a club named Akbar in the heart of Los Angeles and invited Noel to come out some weekend: “Bring Cam of course, he can’t stay away from the place.” The table grew oddly silent after that comment and Noel’s curiosity was suddenly peaked. Cam let slip a rather uncomfortable laugh to which Robert hurriedly added, “I just give him all the free booze he wants. He knows we’re family and likes to mooch off of me, then he goes down the street to a club that’s not so…anal,” he chuckled. Noel creased his brow and pushed out his lip with a single acknowledging nod.

“So, who wants dessert?” Diane broke through the awkward moment with her melodic voice.

In that moment if Noel decided to pull out his phone and Google ‘Akbar Club in LA’ as he concealed his phone beneath the table, it was no one’s business but his.

Gay Club.

Ah ha.

He was then reminded of his plan to speak with Cam at some point if he could and clear his conscience once and for all regarding the night of Macy’s Halloween party. He couldn't avoid it any longer and he knew it.

He cleared his throat and spoke, “Hey, Riley. Join me outside for a smoke before pie?”

Cam raised his eyebrows, they both knew Noel rarely smoked, but he nodded anyway, “Alright.”

“Riley??” Robert all but squawked, “You nearly shank my pretty ass when I so much as mutter that word!” he spat.

Cam stood up from the table and shrugged, “Sometimes I don’t mind it…” he mumbled.

Robert smirked and looked between the two men, “Mhmm, honey. Whatever.”

Cam nodded Noel towards the front door and lead the way out to the porch. The front door closed behind them and Noel moved to lean against the porch railing as he pulled out a cigarette from the pack in his pants pocket, followed by a lighter from the pack as well.

Flick.

Inhale.

Cam went to sit on the cushioned porch swing and spoke first, “What’s up? They’re not too much for you, are they?” he asked.

Noel shook his head “Nah man, they’re perfect. Tonight, is perfect. Thanks for having me.”

Cam leaned forward in the swing, lifting his eyes to meet with Noel's a few feet away.

“Don’t thank me, you made tonight real great for me too,” he smiled shyly.  
Noel felt a surge to his adrenaline. It was the nicotine kicking in, had to be.

“So, uh” Noel continued, how did he do this? Cam sat silently, eyes still steady on him and Noel tried to not stare to deeply into them.

“You talk to Aiden anymore?” he went with, moving his eyes to the floor of the porch and inhaling a long lung full of smoke.

Cam’s brow creased at the question, “Uh, no. Not in a few weeks. Just kind of lost touch.”

Noel nodded.

Exhale. Just do it. He blinked and took another drag.

“It was me, in the bathroom. It was me and not him,” he breathed out suddenly, pushing our a thick puff of smoke that he hoped would hide his face. But it cleared quickly and there was Cam's eyes, still peering into his face where he stood.

Cam looked even more confused for a second, looked as if he was about to ask what Noel was talking about and then, “What…the fuck?”

Cam became rigid. Silent. He set his jaw and said nothing. He froze and the other man’s quickly tried to explain.

“I don’t know why I didn’t stop you. I’m so fucking sorry. I should have.” Noel fumbled with his words, his cigarette not enough to alleviate his stress in this moment and flicked it nervously with his thumb.

Silence.

“I don’t even care, I care about you nonetheless,” he continued, “That kinda thing doesn't matter to me,” assured Noel, feeling like he really had to make that clear.

Silence.

He asked his cigarette once more and raised it to his lips as time moved much too slowly.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Still more silence. Then Noel tried again.

“Look man, you mean a lot to me. You really do,” he said, “ And I hate that I didn’t stop you from saying what you did but I just need you to know I don’t care. I really, really don't care. I only care about you.” Noel was grasping for straws at this point.

“You care about me?” Cam scoffed. “You don’t even fucking know me,” he corrected quietly.

Neither man said anything until Noel finished his cigarette. Neither man moved. Both men had a million thoughts flooding their mind, but the silence between them stayed until Noel just couldn't take it anymore.

“Look, Cam, I want to fucking know you,” he offered honestly, “And I know what I did was wrong, but I want to know you. I want you in my life, man.” Noel finally spoke, his voice shaking.

Cam felt his eyes watering, years of denial coming to fruition.  
“Fuck you,” he whispered.

Noel moved to sit beside him on the porch swing. His eyes never leaving his face.

“You don’t get to do that to me. Not to me. I’m here. I’m here for you.” Noel said softly yet confidently, meaning every single word.

Cam stared a hole into his shoes, not wanting to meet the deep, blue eyes he felt on his skin.

“You don’t know me,” he repeated.

“Then fucking let me know you,” said Noel.

Cam could feel himself breaking down, his breaths becoming faster and he gave his head a shake.

“I can’t.”

“No, you won’t,” countered Noel, “But you can,” he said.

Cam finally brought his eyes up to meet the soft, sparkling blue ones that made him question everything he knew.

“I’ll try,” he replied weakly.

“That’s all I ask, that’s all I want. Just try. I’m here for you.” Noel moved his hand to Cam’s back, and it felt warm against the cool night air as it began to stroke slowly down his spine.

“Okay. I think I’m gay,” he heard himself saying before he had any chance of stopping it.

[](http://tinypic.com?ref=2qm0zsj)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta'd by SapphireIsle92


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's getting hot in here...
> 
> Beta'd by SapphieIsle92

December 2013

“Ok. I think I’m gay.”

Noel froze, he thought he was ready for this moment. He knew what was coming, he had already heard an impromptu confession of sorts. But he still froze. Cams eyes drew him in like a black hole. He wanted to dive deeper, further and he just couldn't look away.

Cam began to stutter. “I…um… ya know what never mind...”

Noel brought his hand to the other man’s knee as if on autopilot, hoping the touch might comfort him, even just a little. “I get it. I do,” he offered quietly.

Cam looked at him, brows scrunched together with a curious look on his face. Noel looked down at his feet on the patio floor, shifting them awkwardly and then dared to raise them back up, meeting those hazel eyes that still remain gazing over him. Hazel eyes to pink bowed lips, full lips to blue eyes. The two men sat in silence for a heartbeat or two, nothing more than quiet breaths between them.

Noel felt himself leaning forward, but Cam didn’t move. Noels hand found itself moving to cradle the side of Cams face. Grounding himself. The two met each other’s eyes again at the same moment, inches apart on the cushioned porch swing, crickets singing the song of the night, beckoning their bodies closer.

Oceans colliding. Blues and greens. Breaths deep, slow and shallow.

“Can I?” Noel set his gaze upon the lips before him, whispering the question through a quiet, wanting breath.

Cam nodded wordlessly, taking a breath as well as lips parted in a welcoming stance.

Their warm lips brush, not innocently, not fiery, but with a smoldering passion, with a deep and silent yearning. They move in sync, a rhythm of their own, tips of tongues dancing against one another and the world around them stopped for just a moment. Noel feels a rush of sensation, an electric surge. Elation.

“Noel, honey...” a familiar soft voice breaks through the night air, stifling their movements.

Layla?

Noel sits back and looks at Cam who mouths the next words, but not in a voice of his own. “Wake up, Rae is almost here.” Layla’s voice, and he felt his brow scrunch. His eyelids fluttered, as his mind felt heavy.

It was a dream, just a dream, he realized. Noel startles into a sitting position, the porch swing from his mind now a mound of his own bed sheets. Rubbing his eyes, he looks up at a smiling Layla. “You must have had a good dream,” she said, “You were smiling and looked so peaceful. I waited to wake you until last minute,” Layla told him sweetly.

His mind was still a fog, fading away much too slowly. “Yeah uh, gimme a minute okay?” he requested, letting a palm rub the sleep lines from his face. She nodded, leaning in to press a kiss to his temple then turned to leave the room.

It had been two weeks since that night on the porch, and ever since, he had traded sleepless nights due to the guilt of carrying Cam’s secret behind his back, for sleep filled nights full of unwelcome and unwarranted dreams of the both in various levels of intimacy. He just couldn’t fucking win. He was thankful for filming ending soon though, because he felt that the storylines and heavy emotions their characters had this season were to blame for the emotional crossover, an excuse for his wandering thoughts.

After Cam came out to him Thanksgiving night they had shared a hug, but only a few words between the two spoken after that until Diane called them inside for dessert. Since then the two felt even closer as friends, talking daily on the phone or through text but never about anything to do with the admission that night. Noel figured Cam would come to him if he wanted to say more, so he mostly just left it alone. He did feel curious though about what Cam said about how Noel didn’t know him. Surely that wasn’t the only secret he kept to himself and Noel couldn’t help but want to dive deeper into the other man’s mind and soul, forever wondering what more he might find. Cam was a mystery waiting to be unraveled and Noel could help but want to untangle the knots in whatever way he could.

***

“Oh, right there, fuck yes! Fuck me harder, daddy!” the loud mouthed twink cried out below him as Cam pounded into him with a vengeance. He fought the urge not to gag at the pet name and willed his erection to ignore it and to just fucking come already, simply chasing his release and nothing more.

He’d been inside his latest Grindr hookup for too long already but every time he thought he was close to getting off, the guy would whine some incredibly dick shriveling comment and Cam would have to start over. He was a frustrating fuck indeed.

“Just shut up, please,” Cam grunted as he dug is fingernails into the man’s hips to thrust harder. He was met with a frustrated huff but kept his eyes closed and focused only on the feel of the tight heat engulfing his hard cock, wet friction at a grueling pace.

The man muffled his whines, face down into the pillow after that much to the satisfaction of the redhead and finally he felt the build of his orgasm rising within his loins. He wanted to help it along, get the whining hyena out of his apartment, so he let his mind go to a place he always felt a bit guilty for wandering to: Deep blue eyes, pillow-like pink lips being bitten by the sometimes-dark haired man and a round, plump ass that Cam could only dream to touch, to spread open, to taste and explore, to sink into and pull out filthy moans from the man he truly wanted to be inside of.

His hips stuttered as he was met with his long-awaited release. “Fuck, Noel...” he muttered through a groan.

His come filled his condom in hard, hot spurts and he pulled out seconds later, not wanting to be inside the stranger any longer than he needed to.

“Um... My names Joel, with a J,” the man reminded through a breathy, exhausted pant.

Shit. He’d said it out loud.

Cam hesitated but played it cool. “That’s what I said,” he assured. The man eyed him briefly, then shrugged and slung his legs over the side of the bed, standing up and finding his boxers.

“Hmm yea okay...” was Joel with a J’s reply “Wanna get food?” he offered.

“Nope.” Cam replied quickly as he pulled his shorts on and threw the man who was still in his sheets a sideways glance, “I got stuff I need to do so...” he trailed off expectantly.

“Alright yeah, I get it...I’ll go,” the man took the band from his wrist and pulled his shoulder length blonde hair into a messy bun. He was attractive to say the least, full lips, deep set olive colored eyes, and he looked like a stereotypical lifeguard jock, which he probably was, but Cam didn’t care enough to find out. Just another date to get his dick wet and another awkward after glow good bye. “So how do you want to do this? Exchange numbers? Call me later?”

Cam was almost out of the bedroom, heading to the front door to let the guy out. “I don’t.” Cam said but didn’t turn around.

“Don’t what?” Baywatch asked.

“Want to do this,” he explained with a brief gesture between them, “Numbers and shit. That’s not what this was.” Cam ran a hand through his hair and stood at the front door as Joel approached him with a frown.

“Was it the daddy thing?” Joel seemed genuinely worried and Cam had to hold in a laugh.

Sure, that name grossed him out, but he hadn’t planned on a round two anyway, daddy comments or not. Cam shook his head, opening the door. “Nah, it’s a me thing,” he said.

The man looked at him for a long second and finally settled a pitying expression on Cam. “Oh, you’re one of those,” he said, then arched a single eyebrow, “Honey, be proud of that dick, be proud of the gay man you are. Hit me up on the app if you change your mind,” Joel replied simply.

Cam just sighed as he walked past and shut the door behind him.

***

Layla and Raena had been occupying the bathroom for well over an hour. Noel was on his third beer, sitting on the living room sofa with Sushi, their snow shoe cat on his lap, scratching behind ears every now and then and getting a contented purr and a whiskered nuzzle in response. It was a girl’s night, his two favorite women had announced earlier that day. Raena had been in town for a few days now and wanted a tour of the city nightlife. But Noel wasn’t in much of a mood to go out, so his sister and girlfriend were on their own.

“More free drinks for us then, since you won’t be there cock blocking!” Rae had shrugged and wiggled her expressive brows at her brother who raised his equally expressive ones in return.

“Well frankly I don’t care what one of you do for drinks but the other one had better keep it PG” he fought to keep his smirk at bay, eying Layla who simply laughed and waved him off.

“Oh hush, we’ll be good!” she smiled sweetly at her boyfriend, who gave her a chuckle and a wink.

“Yea, good and drunk off free drinks.” Raena had added, then dragged Layla to the bathroom to get ready together and he hadn’t seen them since.

His phone buzzed, he looked down and saw a message notification from Cam. “ _I’m fucking bored_.”

Noel chuckled down at his screen and gave his head a shake. “ _I’m about to play some COD with Sushi_.” he replied.

_“Invite me over, I’m a better partner than a cat” Cam shot back in return, pulling a smile out of Noel._

_“I feel like you just invited yourself over, Sushi could kick your ass any day.”_

_“So, what if I did, looks like you’re out of the game and it’ll be sushi and I battling it out then.”_

_“Whatever you say, Riley. Get your ass over here.”_

_“WAS THAT MY OFFICIAL INVITE?!”_

Noel rolled his eyes and laughed out loud and sent Cam a simple middle finger emoji.

***

It was 2:10am and Cam and Noel had been playing COD side by side on the living room sofa, making a drinking game out of their loses, taking small breaks here and there to pop popcorn or grab another drink from the fridge or just idly chat in between. Both men did their fair share of trash talking and relaxed quite easily amongst themselves. Finally, the gaming came to an end and they set their controllers down. The tv was turned to a random movie channel that was showing some Tom Cruise film from the 90s and neither man knew what the fuck was going on within the film because they only wanted to continue idle chatter, not paying much attention at all. 

Cam’s head was resting back against the sofa, the lights from the television reflecting in his dark, laughing eyes. He had a lopsided grin on his face, and he was rambling about an embarrassing time in first grade when he was sure Chihuahua was pronounced chiwowow, thanks to his older cousins convincing him of it. So, he had gone to class and had presented a report on “Chiwowows” and became the laughing stock of the class for the entire year. His grin turned into a wide, full smile, drawing laughs out of two men as Noel listened, enraptured by anything and everything Cam wanted to tell him. It was simple, easy and Noel couldn't have felt more relaxed. “It’s funny now but that’ll fuck a little kid up, I tell ya...” Cam looked over at Noel who already had his head laid against the back of the sofa seat in a position to watch him, a matching grin spread across his lips.

The two fell into a moment of silence, just watching each other, smiles playing on their mouths, eyes caught in one another’s, just breathing the same air and sharing the same space.

After a beat Noel spoke, wanting to know more. “Tell me something else,” he said.

Cam threw a curious look his way.  “Something else like what?” the redhead replied, and Noel gave a shrug.

“Deep dark secrets, ya know, the basics,” he grinned.

Cam rolled his eyes and shook his head. “You already know more than the basics and even a couple secrets of mine,” said Cam.

“The deep dark ones, though?” Noel winked, and he thought maybe he was imagining the uncomfortable shift Cam made on the couch at the query.

“You don’t want to know those,” he said quietly. Cam tried to keep his tone light but there was still a shift to something more serious.

Noel didn’t want to press but his fuzzy alcohol infused mind let words slip from his lips. “I do, I want to know everything about you,” he confessed just as quietly.

Cam raised his eyebrows and Noel couldn’t take back the words, even if they sounded like too much. They were honest, but they sounded too yearning, he knew but stayed quiet. The men took another beat of silence, Cam’s eyes searching Noel’s. Cam leaned forward, elbows to knees, not breaking eye contact. And now it was Noel’s turn to shift on the cushion, but he couldn’t drop his eyes from Cam’s and that was beginning to make him feel insanely self-conscious.

“You mean that?” Cam’s voice came out low and guarded, to which the other man offered a small nod.

“Of course, if you trust me.” Noels voice was soft in reply.

“I do. Yeah, I do,” the redhead said the words as if he was telling himself for the first time. “I trust you,” he breathed. 

Noel nodded again in wait, meaning it so very much. His eyes were searching Cam’s face now, Cam’s expression was all but made of stone, hiding behind something warm within his eyes. Noel’s body took him in closer to Cam and Cam sat back again. They were only breaths apart and the realization of their closeness wasn’t lost to either man, but neither made any move to shift away either. Cam brought his hand to rest on Noel’s knee, the dark haired man’s eyes darted to Cam’s hand but still made no move to put any distance between them, leaving it to rest right where it lay. Noel’s mind was all fog. The alcohol, the deep-sea green eyes looking into his, the heat radiating from palm to knee were entrancing, and he couldn’t form words now even if he wanted to. So, he just hoped Cam would break them out of this moment, this uncharted territory and soon.

Cam cleared his throat, but didn't quite speak, only thickening the fog between them. Maybe it was the way Noel was gazing into his soul right now, maybe it was the beer, or maybe it was the feeling of finally finding someone he could trust in a world full of people who use and abuse him. He saw clarity in the blue eyes that he’d investigated so many times before, and he saw acceptance, the same he’d seen when he had come out to this same man not so long ago. Noel was his safe place. He felt a catch in his throat, trying to choke down the next words but they climbed the wall and came out anyway.

“I... I was sexually abused as a kid...by men.” And with that both of their worlds stopped. 

The air seemingly left the room and this time around, the silence was suffocating. Cam didn’t know if he was breathing anymore, just watching Noel’s face for a reaction of disgust, pity, the typical. He hoped he didn’t fuck up by telling Noel the secret only a couple others knew, but he couldn't take it back now. Cam watched Noel bite his lip, watched his jaw clench over and over, watched emotions like waves of the tide drift over his usually calm face. Anger, he saw anger in his gaze and Noel almost looked as if he were fighting back an outburst.

Suddenly Noel’s hand flew to the back of Cams neck and grasped. “Come here, just come over here,” he whispered.

He dragged their faces to meet, their foreheads against one another, their breaths breathing over each other’s lips. Cam closed his eyes and drew in a sharp breath as he wrapped his long arms around the other man. Pulling their foreheads apart and nestling his face into the crook of his neck, exhaling, inhaling. Noel held onto him as if he had no intention of letting go, adjusting his arms every few seconds to hold on tighter. Shaky breaths, there weren’t any more words exchanged because there wasn’t a need for words. Noel felt so much holding onto Cam and having Cam hold tightly onto him, that he never wanted to let go, never wanted to part, not now.

He’d had no idea such a painful secret had been lurking beneath the surface, locked away deep inside, or else he wouldn’t have even pushed like he had for Cam to tell him more. Noel wanted to kill someone, wanted to make them pay. This was a brand-new level of anger he was discovering, and he wanted to go back in time and find child Cam and protect him, take him under his wing, to save him from all the terrible things in the world. He was angry at that world for destroying Cam's innocence, for exposing him to such vile terrors long before his time. Cam didn't deserve that, no child does. Noel's mind was racing, and all he wanted was to be close to Cam, wanted to hold him, comfort him, to make him feel good.

He wanted... No... No... Just then Noel felt a soft slow kiss connect with his skin just under his ear, and his pores came alive with a soothing chill of goose bumps and he suddenly stopped breathing all together. Yes... Yes... Cam nuzzled the spot he’d just kissed and flicked his tongue over it, followed by a light breath over the wet spot it left behind. Noel felt his cock twitch in reaction, completely out of his control. He didn’t know what the fuck was happening, but he needed to stop it and stop it now. He didn’t want to be strong and not take advantage, not wanting to misconstrue what he felt inside. His body was reacting on its own, despite his mind trying to stop it, but he couldn't.

  The men loosened their grips on each other and Noel instinctively stretched his neck to the side to give Cam better access. His mind still told him to stop, but his body was quickly turning to putty under the other man’s mouth. Another gentle kiss and another soft nuzzle as Cam let out a hot, heavy breath against his skin. His teeth scraped an ever so gentle strip over Noel’s exposed neck and hummed beneath another kiss and Noel made no move to stop him. Both men were pure electricity in this moment and they didn’t know how the fuck they had gotten here, but neither wanted to leave, neither wanted it to stop, as much as they both knew they probably should. Cam’s nose drew a line down Noel’s neck to his collar bone, he planted another slow wet kiss there and Noel shuddered beneath the contact. Stop, stop, he thought and felt the fog clear from his mind just the slightest bit.

“Cam...” Noel heard himself say through the haze with in his head, dispersing the fog a little more.

This was wrong. It didn’t feel that way but it fucking was and he needed to stop this, stop this right now. Cam hummed again as he trailed kisses back up to his earlobe and when he sucked ever so gently on it Noel could feel the strain in his pants begin to ache, so he tried again.

“Cam... Stop...” he breathed through a whisper.

Cam jerked away as if Noel was on fire and he’d touched the flames, sending a sharp shot of pain up through his limbs. He covered his mouth with the back side of his hand and muttered a sharp “Fuck.” His eyes were wide as they met Noel’s confused ones and he blinked a few times, willing himself back into reality. “I-Noel, I-,” he stammered, but before he could speak further they heard the front door open and slam against the wall behind it, followed by two drunk women drunkenly singing a Montell Jordan song as loudly as they could. Layla and Rae, right on time.

The men took their eyes off each other and quickly made some distance between their bodies on the sofa. Cam ran a hand down his face and Noel worried his lip, their eyes darting to everywhere else but each other. Cam stood up from the couch then and combed his fingers through his hair.

“I should go…” he said, his eyes remaining firmly fixed onto the floor. Noel wanted to protest yet still, he nodded his head, untrusting of his words, but accepting them anyway, knowing how right they really were. He hated this awkwardness, but found no way to avoid it, not after what'd just happened. He was so lost in his confusing thoughts that he knew he would no longer be good company anyway.

Just then Raena and Layla marched into the living room, arms slung around each other In their bedazzled dresses, laughing while they sang. They halted at the sight of the two somber men with hazy, drunken smiles on their lips.

“Well Heeellloooo gorgeous!” Rae’s eyes travelled up and down Cam’s body with appeal in their gaze, much too drunk to be her usual collected self. Layla giggled and Cam, being the actor he was, plastered a very convincing smile across his face.

“You must be the sister I’ve heard so much about,” Cam greeted as he took a step towards her with a hand extended and she took it and went for a curtsy, to the amusement of everyone in the room.

“Good God, did you let her drink the entire bar under the table?” Noel managed a chuckle at Layla who was smiling wide at the show before them.

“Hey, she’s an adult,” shrugged Layla. “You’re my date for New Year’s Eve, Mkay?” Raena poked a finger into Cams chest, “Guys, this is my date,” she smiled, turning toward the pair beside her. Layla laughed loudly, and Cam and Noel exchanged awkward glances.

“We don’t even have plans for New Year’s yet and I’m sure Cam has his own stuff going on so…” informed Noel, but his sister wasn’t fazed and quickly turned her sights back onto Cam.

“What do you have going on?” Rae asked, cutting her brother off mid-sentence and cocked her head toward the tall redhead next to her.

“I, uh…” Cam nervously shuffled his feet and looked to Noel who looked as helpless as he felt before turning his face back to Raena. “Going to a friend’s bar where I can drink, since I’m uh…” he trailed off a bit. Raena lifted a sharp eyebrow, a trait that must be hereditary.

“You’re just a baby?” she giggled, and Cam cringed at the comment.

Sure, he was young, but he was anything but a baby. He'd been through enough in his short life to have the wisdom to rival someone twice his age and knew that fact well, but before he could respond, it was Noel that spoke again.

“See? The man has plans, so Rae you’ll just have to call up one of the guys who helped get you this intoxicated and invite of them instead,” he said, “Now get to bed, ya drunk ass.” Noel moved to put his arm around his sister and steer her out of the living room.

“Can we come with you Cam?” She turned her head to call to him as she was ushered away.

Pause.

“Sure, it’d be my pleasure,” Cam replied, and Noels grip tightened on his sister’s shoulders.

“Jesus, Rae.” Noel muttered, and she just giggled again.

When he deposited a sleepy drunken sister into his guest room for the night, he returned to the living room to see Layla engaging in conversation with a redhead who was clearly ready to leave the uncomfortable last half hour behind him and escape out the front door.

“Just getting the plans settled for New Year’s, honey. Shall we be off to bed?” Layla hooked her arm through Noels as he walked up beside her.

“Yep, it’s that time. I’ll meet ya in there, okay? I’m gonna to see Cam out,” he said. She offered an agreeing smile, waved to Cam and then left the two men alone in the room.

“I’m sorry,” came rushing out of Cams mouth before Noel had a chance to say anything, causing the other man to pause at the comment and Noel met his eyes with hesitation in his gaze. He truly didn’t understand what happened earlier, his body had just reacted. He’d wanted it; his body had wanted Cam, he knew. And Cam may have initiated it, but Noel kept going, willfully welcoming it without much restraint, and that was the part he was hung up on, but not blaming Cam for anything.

“Let’s just forget about it, okay?” he settled on saying and Cam nodded quickly.

“Yea just forget about it,” he repeated in agreement.

Both men knew that this was absolutely one occurrence that they would not be able to just forget about, but they'd still try, even if it felt impossible. Noel was thankful for a quickly sleeping Layla because he would have been a useless conversationalist right now. His mind was racing, thoughts were diving back into hot, wanting kisses on his neck, actual trembling goosebumps on his pores, honest to god fucking goosebumps from just one touch from Cam. His thoughts went even deeper and he couldn't help but wonder: Was he attracted to the other man? His body screamed yes, but his mind told him it was yet again just the pesky acting crossover, a simple mix up in his brain between the characters and their actors. It happens all the time.

Cam craved the taste of Noel’s skin on his tongue again, but he kept chiding himself, knowing he shouldn’t be thinking these thoughts about him, knowing they were wrong. He replayed all the small moans Noel had let loose on repeat like a bedtime lullaby within his mind. The acceptance that his mouth was met with left him intrigued and curious, left him longing for more. He knew his feelings that were growing for the other man were a dead-end, hopeless and misplaced. It wasn’t fair to either man and Cam knew that too. Life just wasn’t fair and if anyone knew that, it was Cam.

***

“Welcome to Akbar!” Robert threw open his arms in greeting as the group of four walked into the Mediterranean styled club. It was the epitome of a popular nightclub. Loud music, erratic dancing, sweaty bodies near each other. Robert gave each of them a kiss on the cheek and told them to enjoy their night, that drinks were on the house.

“So how do you know Robert?” Layla inquired once they all had ordered a round of drinks and found a booth beside the dance floor.

“He’s a friend of my moms, a family friend. He was one of the first friends she made here after she moved us here from Florida…” Cam trailed off, as at the time his mom had just let herself realize his dad wasn’t coming back for them. She moved across the country for a fresh start for them. Robert helped their little family of two in so many ways, renting his spare studio apartment to them for several years, and helped Diane get her identity back, at least that’s how she had explained it to Cam. He was thankful for Robert. They both were.

Raena kept making subtle moves towards Cam and Cam kept politely declining any advance she made. As much as he cherished Noel, his sister was a determined handful. He was currently watching Layla cuddle into Noel and kiss his neck, the very same spot where his own lips had been not too many nights ago. A heat creeped up his neck and his eyes met Noel’s across the table.

Avert, avoid, look away.

“Rae, want to dance with me?” he said with a bit too much enthusiasm to be believable to a trained eye like Noel’s, but he didn’t care. He needed out of that booth and he needed out now.

But as he and Raena danced, he kept sneaking looks at the booth, and pulling Raena closer when Noel pulled Layla towards him in the seat. He knew what he was doing was fucked up, but he still couldn’t stop. This was still Noel’s sister and he didn’t need to use her like this, but still they kept grinding and moving, dancing and rubbing and he almost felt nothing at all.

Noel’s eyes were burning and he felt like he hadn’t blinked, even with Layla’s hand was rubbing his cock through his pants and he wasn’t reacting, his body wasn’t reacting. He felt nothing too. His eyes were too focused on the dance floor. Feelings of anger and hints of jealousy were wafting through his mind. No, he wasn’t jealous, Noel tried to convince himself, just protective of his little sister. Cam was gay. He didn’t want his sister and he knew that. But then why was he touching her like that? Noel couldn’t think straight to save his life and he just couldn't figure it out.

“Baby what’s wrong?” Layla cooed in his ear, her hand applying more pressure on his limp, pant-covered cock, causing him to turn his face only a bit to reply.

“Just making sure he doesn’t get too touchy feely on Rae is all,” he answered, eyes not leaving Cam, mouth running dry so he downed the rest of his beer.

“They’re adults, they’re fine,” she reassured with a shrug and kissing his shoulder softly with soft, pursed lips. But he still couldn't stray from his thoughts, even to focus of the woman next to him and just had to get out of this booth. He was crawling out of his skin.

“Need another drink?” he moved to leave the seat, pointing at her half empty glass of wine. She shook her head, giving him a concerned look, but Noel didn't pause, moving to rise instead.

“Hurry back, the countdown is coming up!” she called after him as he made a B line for the bar.

Robert was observing the crowd at the edge of the bar and spotted Noel coming, ushering him over as he did. “What are you having, honey? I’ll have Eric make you something really quick,” he grinned, putting a hand on his shoulder with a grasp.

“Anything, everything. I don't give a shit,” Noel blurted out without thinking.

He was usually more controlled than this, but the sight of Cam’s hands all over his sister, all over anyone sent a burning, angry prickle along his brow. Jesus Christ was he jealous? He shook the thought from his mind. He dragged his hands down his face as Robert called out an order to a guy, presumably Eric, and turned his attention back to him.

“He likes you a lot, you know.” Robert met his eyes, knowingly. Noel’s tongue caught in the corner of his mouth and he swallowed, unable to reply. Robert smiled and titled his head toward him. “I’ve known those beautiful people for more than a decade and he’s never brought anyone to a holiday before. The boy doesn’t have any real friends or special people in his life at all,” Robert continued, despite seeing the clearly pained face of the dark-haired man in front of him, who creased his brow at the words.

“Why are you telling me this?” Noel asked, his palms sweaty as the music pounded in his ears.

“Just making conversation, dear.” Roberts eyes sparkled as he cocked his full mouth into a smirk. Finally, the drinks came, and they were multi-colored and stout, they were everything Noel needed right now and didn't hesitate to get his hands on them. He downed all three in seconds, then excused himself from Robert’s knowing eyes and headed back to the booth. He saw that Raena had joined Layla in the seats when he approached, but saw no redhead nearby.

“Where is Cam?” he heard his voice ask as if on autopilot, causing both women to turn their heads toward him and meet his eyes.

“He said he had to take a piss,” his sister replied, “You need to go find him and get your butts back here for the New Year’s kiss!” Raena shooed him off and it didn’t take him much convincing.

He found the colorful neon sign on the opposite end of the dance floor and rather than walk around, he marched right through the middle of the sweaty dancing bodies, feeling stray hands on him every few seconds but he didn’t care right now because his mind was only on one thing. Inside the restroom he saw a row of five stalls, all with closed doors, several men were waiting in line, standing idly against the wall or making out with their partners.

“Cam, you in here?” Noel went with the faster tactic of finding someone. He heard a muffled “Shit” coming from the first stall. Bingo. Noel approached and rasped on the door with his knuckles. “We gotta talk,” he said. Just then he heard another voice coming from the same stall.

“Is that your boyfriend?! You didn’t mention him!” it hissed. Rustling followed, belt buckle rattling. Noel became suddenly angry, livid... Jealous. A man with dark eyes and bright blue hair slicked into a short fauxhawk hurriedly opened the door and all but ran past Noel and out of the bathroom. Noel’s eyes met with Cams which were holding a defiant look in them.

“Yes?” Cam greeted, and Noel’s eyebrows shot straight up to his hair line.

“The fuck was that?!” he spat.

“A hook up,” Cam replied simply. Of course it was and that was fine, at least it should have been, but Noel still felt fire in his gut over it and he couldn't seem to control his anger.

“Why were you all over Rae on the dance floor then? She’s my fucking sister, in case you forgot,” he changed the subject to something that made even less sense to bring up.

“We were just dancing...” offered Cam. Noel bit his lip, he had nothing else to say but he had wanted to find Cam so badly and he had felt so many twisted emotions that now he just couldn't back down.

“Well, don’t.” His eyes darted to Cams lips that he’d just flicked his tongue over. He was giving Noel an amused look now, something determined and playful in his eyes.

“Can yall move this lover’s quarrel along and out of the stall? Some of us actually need to piss here,” a stranger spoke behind them with annoyance in his voice.

“Still occupied, sorry.” Cam gave the man a wink and before Noel could protest he dragged Noel back into the stall with him and closed the door, face to face, bodies flush against each other in the enclosed space.

“The fuck are you doing?!” Noel stammered incredulously. “Giving us privacy so you can bitch at me more about random shit.” Cam shrugged, amused smirk still on his face.

“FIVE!” the crowd yelled in unison from outside the bathroom and the countdown to midnight had begun.

“We need to get back to Layla and Rae,” Noel said weakly. Blue eyes searched the green ones above him.

“FOUR”

Cam shook his head slowly “This is where I want to be at midnight”

“THREE!”

Noel couldn’t find words to speak anymore and his face was flushed, his anger fading away. He felt it, heard his heart banging and pounding within his chest, and his eyes dropped to the parted pink lips in front of him, unable to look away.

“What’s your deal anyway?” Cam moved his hand to hold the side of Noel’s face, and his palm felt so warm and smooth that Noel felt himself lean into it. “Jealous?” queried Cam.

“TWO!”

Noel mindlessly shook his head in denial but closed his eyes all the same because fuck, he wanted to feel Cams lips. He’d just blame it on the alcohol again, but right now he didn't care, anything to justify it just this once.

“Fuck you, I’m not jealous...” he trailed off in a whisper.

“ONE!”

“I wanna kiss you...” he heard Cam whisper back, his breath fanning over his lips.

“HAPPY NEW YEAR!!”

At that Noel closed the distance himself, meeting fire with fire, unable to resist a single second longer. Their lips were like magnets, and although they’d kissed before in character, this was different, this was raw, tentative, both men unsure of what the future would hold after this moment, so they let themselves have this moment, just this one.

Cam parted Noel’s lips with his tongue, slowly, as if still asking permission, which Noel’s lips parted and gave him, inviting him in for more. Noel grasped the back of Cam’s neck and pulled his mouth impossibly closer onto his. The redhead groaned in response and let his tongue tangle freely with the other man’s willing, wanting mouth as his arms wrapped around his waist and held on for dear life. It was too much, yet not enough, the sensation of wet lips and tongues dancing with one another, grinding, pressing hard together. Whimpers escaping both men when they kept diving in for more, deeper, sharing breath and neither wanted to stop.

Cam’s thumb rubbed against his cheek and the redhead pulled away hesitantly, his eyes searching Noel’s for regret, a sign to stop, anything that looked unwanted. Noel’s breathing was ragged, but he gave nothing of the sort and he met Cam’s gaze with one of longing and pulled their wet lips together for more. Cam smiled into the kiss this time, and risked grabbing onto a handful of the dark-haired man’s ass, bringing out a huffed laugh from him.

“Wanted to do that for a while...” Cam murmured against full lips. Noel didn’t want to move from this cramped bathroom stall. He chased after Cam’s soft lips over and over. Running his hands through his hair and keeping their bodies close. Shutting his mind off and just feeling, forever wanting more.

But to soon they were broken out of their lip lock when two bodies slammed against their stall door. “Want that mouth on my cock…” a masculine voice said much to the delight of his partner who all but squealed in return as they moved into the stall beside the two exasperated men, after that which they found was empty and a heavy string of grunting soon followed.

Cam and Noel covered their mouths with their hands to muffle the laughter that was trying to escape. Then they cautiously opened the door to the stall, catching winks and smirks from the lingering men by the sink. The two men didn’t share anymore words as they exited the bathroom, with Noel’s longing thoughts slowly starting to be replaced with reality.

He cheated, he had just cheated on Layla. With Cam. And suddenly he felt a terrible sinking feeling rise into the pit of his stomach. He felt wrong. 

“You okay?” Cam placed a hand on his back, noticing his change in mood as they made their way back to where the girls were waiting with crossed arms and frowning faces, no doubt frustrated about missing their midnight kisses.

“I don’t know…” Noels voice trailed off as he answered honestly. “I don’t know…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Raena is actually the name of Noel's sister. Just so you guys don't think I made up this character.  
> [](http://tinypic.com?ref=mcg8w5)
> 
> [](http://tinypic.com?ref=2rzaqm9)


	4. Chapter 4

January 2014

Dr. Christine Voight or Dr Christie, as she preferred to be called, brought the mug of warm coffee to her mocha stained lips as she studied Cams face. Her frizzy black hair laid in it’s usual short bob around her face and her glasses hung delicately on her round button nose. Her dark eyes remained on his face, she always made him feel as though she was seeing into his mind and many times her assessments made it seem as though that were indeed the case.

  
She had been his psychiatrist for over a decade and they had a great relationship, she was real with him, he was real with her, he told himself he probably didn’t need to keep seeing her anymore, but he kept making appointments often enough, his subconscious always making that decision for him. Knowing he’d never be able to truly be without the need for council with the kind of past he’d had.

  
“What’s on your mind?” she spoke as she placed her coffee on the small wooden table beside her cushioned yet stiff looking chair.

  
He inhaled deeply and blew out an audible breath. Leaning forward he brought his hands together in a clasp.

  
“That bad huh? “she gave him a soft smile

  
He quirked his lips into a nervous lopsided grin. “So, I came out to my co-worker...”

  
She raised an eye brow, knowing that he wasn’t officially out per their past meetings.

  
He met her gaze and continued “I should say friend, really good friend. I even told him about... You know... My past shit.”

  
“That’s really something special, Cameron.” She began to smile at him but paused when seeing his unsure expression, “There’s more isn’t there... Well go on” she rested her elbow on the arm of her chair and sat back. Waiting.

  
“Alright so we Uh... Kissed.” His eyes drifted downward to study his hands.

  
He seemed to be finished for the moment, so Dr Voight took in his downcast mannerisms and chose her words, “First of all, this is huge. You opening up like that to another person that you aren’t paying to talk to or you aren’t related to is huge.”

  
He gave her a real smile this time “You haven’t even charged me for a session in probably two years...”  
She looked scandalized and shushed him, looking around the room dramatically. Then meeting his smile with one of her own.

“I don’t tend to charge friends to seek my counsel. “she finally said.

  
His heart warmed at that.  
Friend.

  
She waved him off “Okay so you came out as gay? To your friend, you also told him about your past. You kissed so am I to assume it’s more than a friendship?”

  
“Yea, I mean, I like him. I think he feels something maybe... It’s complicated...”

  
Christie picked her mug up, taking a sip. Watching Cam ponder over his next words, brows scrunched.  
“He has a girl friend, like a serious one... And he’s straight.” He said not meeting her eyes again.

  
She choked down her sip, not so subtly “Okay let me stop you. This friend kissed you back, right or wrong? Consensual?”

  
“Yes, right.”

  
“Well that makes me think he may not be as straight as an arrow, which who really is, but the point I am wanting to get to is you haven’t talked about more than a couple of guys with me. You definitely haven’t said you actually have feelings for any thus far, and then the one you finally come to me about in this way is not available?”

  
He nodded. Reluctantly meeting her eyes to see what she was getting at.

  
“Now, I want to make sure you’re seeing this as I am. You tell me you found a person who you can talk to about some extremely important issues in your life, a seemingly straight, seemingly committed man. As much as I am happy about your confidant, I can’t help but see very serious potential for this to end badly for you.”

  
She looked at him with soft worried eyes.  
He bit the corner of his lip. Of course, the first time he felt something besides a basic carnal need for someone it was most likely just a dead-end form of “self sabotage?” he muttered the last two words out loud.

  
She shrugged but gave him a knowing look, “Friend to friend, I would leave this alone. Save the friendship.”

  
***

  
His hands were curled in the sheets on either side of Layla’s head as he brought cries of pleasure from his girl friend beneath him.

  
Layla’s legs were wrapped around his waist, her full breasts were bouncing at a steady pace as he was rocking into her warmth, yearning for release. Both bodies were covered in slick sweat and their mouths were agape, panting between moans.

  
“Are you... going to... come?” Layla’s nails dug into his lower back as she asked breathlessly. He had his eyes squeezed shut and had been working on an orgasm for far too long by now. He knew she was close but was trying to wait for him. The pressure from that alone made his orgasm even harder to come by.

  
He nodded fast, biting his lower lip between his teeth before breathing, “Lower, grab my ass.”  
Before he could think of what possessed him to request that she moved her hands from his Lower back to the mounds of his ass and keened against him.

  
He stifled a grunt; his thrusts became reckless and he felt himself finally letting go.

  
She called his name several times as she came under him and he followed quickly behind.  
He wasted no time in pulling out and flopping down beside her in the sheets, both catching their breath post orgasm. 

“I have got to ask, what’s gotten into you lately?” Layla turned her face to him, popping up on one elbow and smiling at him wistfully “don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind... But I don’t think we’ve ever had this much sex in all the years we’ve been together! You’re a machine.”

It was true, they had been having sex every day if not more than once a day for the last couple weeks.  
In his mind it might be guilt. It might be proving something to himself. But he couldn’t say that out loud. So, he went with... “Wanted to rekindle some things.” Which earned him a lingering kiss on the lips.  
He had felt like utter shit since new years. Filming had ended, and he had purposely began to put distance between himself and Cam. Not unlike every filming downtime but this time it was done consciously.

  
His life was good. It was easy and simple. Those two sentences had become like a mantra.

  
Layla trailed a manicured finger lazily over his chest as she dumped a bucket of cold water on his sated mood, “Should I stop taking my pills?”

  
He felt his body react and tense “We’ve talked about this...”

  
“I know, I know. We said we were happy without kids, but I figured I’d ask since things seem different now.” She rested her head on his shoulder as she moved to cover herself with sheets.

  
He felt restless now. He could feel the urge to escape creeping into his mind.

  
“I mean, we aren’t even married yet, so I don’t know what I was thinking. My family would be horrified, old world ways and all.” She had been with the man long enough to know she has misspoke and his mind was now on edge, but she couldn’t take it back now.

  
Married, yet. Married.

  
Noel sat up, trying to be gentle as to not knock Layla’s head off his shoulder and give her time to adjust, he pressed the bridge of his nose between his thumb and finger.

  
“Don’t be like this, let’s just sleep.” She let her hand gently touch his forearm. He was still tense.  
He didn’t know exactly why the mention starting a family and marriage always put him on edge, he figured maybe he didn’t like the idea of being rushed. It seemed like Layla’s motivation was usually her family and parents or what they’d think and that wasn’t a good enough reason for him.

  
“I need some air, I’ll be back, okay? “he rose off the bed and began to dress, starting with his discarded boxer briefs at the foot of the bed.

  
Layla became agitated at this “Oh my God. Seriously? I hardly even brought it up. Just come back to bed, it’s nearly two in the morning.”

  
He looked at her in the dim light of the bedroom and shook his head “Just get some sleep. I’m fine.” He lied. He didn’t like fighting, when he had the choice between fight or flight it was usually the latter. He’d avoid this, have a smoke, a habit he’d been attempting to quit, walk where ever his feet took him, and clear his mind.

  
***

  
He couldn’t get laid.

Correction. He could.

He wouldn’t. He didn’t want to.

He even tried scrolling mindlessly through the Grindr app, passed guys he’d normally give a second look to. Passed guys he’d most definitely have in his bed.  
It was like he had lost his sex drive.

For Cam this was an issue. It was a huge fucking issue.

He hadn’t heard from Noel since the night they kissed at Akbar and he felt unnerved. He couldn’t think straight, everything was out of focus. He kept wanting to text the other man but each time he typed out a lengthy message he would end up deleting it all to spare the humiliation.

He blamed noel for his lack of sex drive.  
Fucking Noel.

He knew that wasn’t fair though. His years with Christie told him that wasn’t fair.

January was looking to be his first dry spell since he lost his virginity. Great.

He flipped through the channels for something besides infomercials for the sixtieth time, it was almost four in the morning and he couldn’t sleep. He’d tossed and turned in bed for a few hours before moving to the couch, he had even tried jerking off to some cheesy plumber role play porn on his phone because he was too lazy to do more than type in his usual site and click the first video on the page. Ten minutes into the video he had just found himself critiquing the bad acting and still had blue balls.  
Infomercials it was.

His phone buzzed, and he looked at it like it was possessed. Who the fuck was awake right now, besides himself.

“Let’s get breakfast.”  
Noel. Fucking Noel.

His fingers hovered over the key pad on the screen. Reply? Don’t reply?

This fucking guy.

“Maybe I’m still sleeping...” he admonished himself to replying as he hit send.

“Well I’m downstairs, stop sleep texting, and let’s get some eggs and bacon.”

“Shit.” He muttered to himself, why was Noel downstairs at four in the morning? His heart raced but he made his brain beat it down.

Save the friendship.

“K.” He shot off and went to get dressed.

****

True to their form, they melted into chatter as if no awkwardness or lack of contact had come between them. That was a blessing and a curse, it made for a great relationship even when both men knew that there were elephants that needed acknowledged. But between bites of toast and cups of coffee, the elephants were pushed to the side and they simply were Cam and Noel.

“Did we seriously just sit here until the sun rose?” Cam motioned out the window next to the sticky booth in the Denny’s they were occupying. “Why aren’t I asleep!”

“Because we’re on our fifth cup of coffee that’s why, and you won’t shut up.” Noels eyes crinkled on their edges giving away his amusement.

“I blame you, for a lot of shit, but right now this is also your fault.” Cam crossed his arms and jutted his chin.

Noel rolled his eyes “Oh the dramatics, what did I do besides treat you to the best breakfast you’ve had today.”

“First of all, I literally just paid for my own... Second, this is the only breakfast I’ve had today! “Cam tried and failed to hold back a grin.

“Are you saying my presence isn’t a treat? Rude Riley, rude.”

It was Cams turn to roll his eyes. “What brought this on anyway? Ya know, interrupting my almost beauty sleep at a ridiculous hour to make me pay for my own shit?”

Noel wasn’t one to talk or vent about things between he and Layla, so he hoped a vague answer would satisfy the curious man across from him. “Couldn’t sleep. Neither could you. It worked out, yea? “

Cams eyes narrowed “When I can’t sleep I don’t usually travel the fuckin city like a vampire.”

Noel shrugged “Look, I know I’m pasty alright but damn, vampire? “

“Trying to make jokes and change the subject I see, not gonna work. What’s up?” Cam pressed his luck.  
“Had some stuff on my mind.” Noel offered, hoping it was enough yet again.

“Since when do you clam up on me?” Cam studied the other mans face with his searching green eyes. Noting the lines straining around Noel’s pursed lips.

Noel shook his head taking a breath before releasing “Sorry, it’s just some shit me and Layla have. Marriage and kid talk that never goes over well with me for some reason.”

Noel’s eyes met Cams in that moment and Cam didn’t have enough time to turn his look of shock into a mask of neutrality.

“I shouldn’t have said anything...” Noel ran a hand through his hair and looked around like he wanted to escape the Booth like a caged animal.

“No, no hey...” Cam automatically reached across the table for his free hand, but the dark-haired man jerked away, the look of anxiety not leaving his face. “Fuck, I’m sorry okay. I keep fucking up.”

Deep breath.

“I want you to feel like you can tell me this stuff. I don’t want walls with us. I want this friendship. That’s all I want, I don’t want shit changing.”

Dr Christies words rung loudly in his head.  
Save the friendship.

The elephant had stepped out of the shadows and into the light.

Noels anxious face turned into something softer.  
“I want you to stop ghosting me. I want you to trust me. You’re my best fucking friend and I can’t lose that. When you’re upset I want you to feel like you can talk to me. About anything.”

Noel worried his lip with his teeth. Blue eyes looking over Cams face as if there was an answer of sorts written there.

Cam wished his now empty mug was full again, so he could look into it and do something else with his eyes and hands besides appear nervous. All he could do was wait for Noel to speak now. The air was slowly leaving their bubble.

“Best friend, yea? Well then I guess I’d better tell you my shit...” Noel offered a small smile and air-filled Cams lungs again “Let’s get out of here, walk and talk.”

The two men left the diner, walked outside into the early morning sun of Los Angeles, and Noel opened up to Cam about the weight he carried regarding marriage and the future. They walked until their feet hurt and their faces were sore from all the laughing and smiling.

“My Ubers here, text me later? “Cam squeezed Noel’s shoulder and walked to the four-door blue sedan waiting for him when the time had come for them to go their separate ways, both men more than willing to crash into a deep slumber.

“Yea I’ll text ya” Noel nodded with a happy grin.  
Cam narrowed his eyes at the other man suspiciously.

“I promise. I won’t ghost you anymore.” He laughed and waved him off.

Cam waved back and sat back in the cars seat with a satisfied smile on his lips.

****

  
“He’s cheating.” Layla’s older sister, Nessa, stated matter of factly into the phone.

Layla had called her sister to catch up which they did weekly whether it was via Skype or phone call.  
Nessa lived with their parents overseas in their home city of Tehran in the heart of Iran so visiting regularly in person wasn’t an option.

“Why would you come to that conclusion? “ Layla asked tersely, letting her free hand stroke Sushi their cat as the two sprawled across the living room floor, still on the yoga mat that had been in use before the call interrupted.

“You guys went from occasional sex to fucking like rabbits, he still gets weird and literally walks out when marriage or kids are brought up, and these moods you’ve noticed him in off and on for a couple months seem just too fishy. I mean the man left last night and is still gone to who knows where! You’re too trusting. There’s someone else. Has to be.”Nessa was everything an older sister was stereotyped to be. Forward, bossy, and full of tough love.

Layla shook her head even though her sister couldn’t see her “Nes, that’s extreme. This is stressing me out. I can’t afford to think like this. We have been together for so long I think I’d know...”

Nessa scoffed “That’s what they all say, remember Amir? That asshole had me believing all sorts of things and then turns out he was married with 4 kids and another on the way! Kept that secret for over a year!”

“Well we aren’t you and Amir...”Layla sighed weakly.  
“Okay fine, just keep your eyes open. Maybe check up on him sometimes. Don’t be blind.”

“Fine, fine. Anyways, how is baba doing?” Layla changed the subject to her father’s who’s health hadn’t been the best the last couple of years.

“We go to another specialist in April. He’s sick of all the tests. I know we all are. He’s trying to go along and stay strong for us though. When can you come visit?”

Layla’s father had never been the same since a near fatal heart attack he had suffered, the doctors were trying to find other successful routes to take besides open heart surgery due to his age. Major surgery was not recommended nor was it a cure all so they were left with a bucket list of impossibilities.

“I’ll make plans to visit soon. I miss you all. Ill send more money your way next week, let me know what you need. “ Layla felt a catch in her throat. “Tell Baba I love him?”

“Hes on the porch do you want me to get him? “ Nes offered, her voice softer now.

Layla squeezed her eyes shut, “You know he will just ask me when I am getting married and I just can’t handle more of that talk today. Love you Nes.”  
There was a beat of silence before her sister replied with “Love you too. “ Followed by both women ending the call.

Layla glanced at her phone screen, noting the time and wondering if she should text her boyfriend a third time. She was usually laid back and knew when Noel needed to clear his mind he didn’t like distractions but he’d never disappeared all night before and she was getting worried, not to mention her sisters warnings felt like mental nails on a chalkboard. She decided to finish up her yoga routine and then text him, she then stretched her body into a Savasana on the mat and tried to find some quiet in her busy mind.

If Layla were being honest with herself, she would just rather not know of any indiscretions right now. She didn’t know if she could handle it, with her father sick and her entire family already telling her whether subtly or directly, that she wasn’t getting any younger and needed to marry and have a family she just couldn’t afford to snoop with the risk of actually finding something. The risk of finding something that would turn her world on it’s axis to a point of no return.

Because then where would she be. A middle aged Persian woman with no husband, or chance of a husband, or children and her dream of becoming a successful actress would be even more of a laughing matter to her old world family who never wanted that path for her in the first place.

Some days she wondered if this was even a life she wanted. Marriage. Kids. Or was it a life she had been moulded into wanting due to her heritage and familial ideals.

Her life was good. She was happy.

Ignorance is bliss and so she kept telling herself to not rock the boat. Their lives were routine, simple, they were just fine. This was the right path and she needed to prove that to everyone, maybe even to herself.

Maybe that’s why when Noel came home moments later she went to him and let him hold her in a snug embrace, she didn’t get upset at his absence, she didn’t give into suspicions. Neither said anything, just an understanding, unspoken, they were fine. Just fine.

Don’t rock the boat.

[](http://tinypic.com?ref=15p5xub)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nes is the name I found of Laylas sister during my research.  
> Baba is what she calls her father in real life. 
> 
> I try and use as many real points as I can.


	5. Chapter 5

February 2014

“Fuck you, you piece of shit! I don’t need you to fucking get gigs and I sure as hell don’t need your pint-sized peanut dick!” a female voice echoed into the hallway as Cam turned to lock his apartment door. He turned his head towards the sound out of pure instinct.

“No, you don’t get to pull that shit. I don’t owe you anything! You can go fuck yourself, you’re fired. I’m done!” a petite girl with long brown hair and a scowl that could kill was standing in the middle of the hallway, one hand holding the phone up to her mouth to make sure she was heard, and the other hand firmly planted on her hip.

Cam couldn’t look away; this feisty specimen had intrigued him. In that moment she threw her phone full force at the door across the hall from her and screamed so loudly that he had to cringe from the shrill tone.

Her piercing eyes and furrowed brow directed themselves his way as he cleared his throat. “Have something to say?” she snapped.

He shook his head quickly but didn’t move or turn to leave.

“All you fucking guys are the same.” She said more to herself than to him.

He didn’t know whether to respond in defense of his gender or remain silent, her steely glare now fixed on her broken phone.

She knelt to pick it up, Cam thought maybe he heard a soft sniffle.

He needed to go on with his day, needed to go to the gym. Needed to just go. Just go.

He stayed.

Liana. Liana Liberato.

She introduced herself after he stayed to help her pick up the shattered device and sweep up the glass shards from the hall way.

She invited him into her apartment for a day drink and he went willingly, gym be damned.

It wasn’t a romantic or sexual pull he had towards her, it was something different. Something platonic and magnetic. Kindred spirit.

“Sorry you had to hear that shit. My manager…ex manager. Thinks I owe him some pussy because he got me a couple of big movies.” She stretched her legging clad leg out to rest on the glass coffee table in front of her blue checkered couch. She tipped her Corona bottle up to her lips and took a sip, pulling it away just as fast to continue talking “Fuck him, seriously. I mean I’m sure as fuck not going to, but you know what I mean? What a fucking creep. Guess I’m on my own now.” She muttered begrudgingly as she took a longer swig of her beer. Staring ahead at the to but not paying attention to anything on it.

Cam hadn’t said much, besides when he had thanked her when he accepted a beer as she gathered two from her refrigerator and pointed one at him.

What an odd turn of events. His plan to spend the day sweating out frustrations of every kind at the gym had turned into sitting in a stranger’s apartment drinking her beer and listening to fowl mouthed rants. Not that he minded either.

“I’m sure my agency could find you something and someone.” He finally said more than a couple words in response or a head nod.

“Agency? You do what, exactly?” she quirked an eyebrow at him and he met her playful eyes with his surprised ones.

Of course, he didn’t expect everyone to know who he was, he wasn’t a huge star or anything, but that comment stung a bit anyway.

“I uh, I act.” He muttered, finishing off the beer in his hand.

“You? I guess I could have pegged you for a model or something but an actor?”

He could feel his face flushing.

“Acting involves talking, and you’ve been all but mute for the past hour.” She nudged him with her elbow and he felt the air clear a bit. She was joking.

“I knew who you were, Cameron Monaghan.” She let an easy grin take over her face and he relaxed. He inwardly chided himself for taking everything so seriously.

He opened more after that and they easily went through her 6 pack of Corona together in record time.

“It’s not even noon and I’m buzzed, you’re a bad influence, Monaghan.” Liana giggled, holding her nearly empty glass up to examine it disbelievingly.

The beer had brought Cam out of his shell, and He clutched his chest, feigning offense. Liana’s giggle turned into a melodic laugh and it made Cam automatically beam back at her.

They spent the day together, ordering pizza in and eventually moving to Cam’s apartment to drain his beer supply. He talked her into taking an interview with his agency and promised her that Stacey, his manager, wouldn’t try and fuck her. “She doesn’t even have time to fuck her own husband she’s so married to her work.”

“Guess I’ll need to get a new phone, so I can give her a call.” her hazel eyes grew solemn and her smile faltered as she added “Thank you, seriously.”

He hoped his eyes were showing her the seriousness he wanted to portray as he spoke “I know a little about these types of situations, when I looked for an agent I was pretty picky for personal reasons, I’m just glad I could help.”

“We’re going to be friends for a long time.” She mumbled into his chest as they sprawled out on his over stuffed couch watching a cooking competition show late that night. His eyes had grown heavy and his head was happily buzzing, and he hadn’t had this good of a day in which he had done absolutely nothing productive in as long as he could remember.

He was glad he could help her out of a tough spot, glad they had met. It was an odd feeling, but he just knew they were going to be friends, something he didn’t have a lot of. She hadn’t tried pushing boundaries at all and they just fell into a platonic and peaceful vibe.

“Friends.” He repeated into her hair as he felt her breath growing deeper, sensing she was sleeping now. “I’d like that.”

*

“Your ass is fucking cheating!” Cam exclaimed, throwing both hands up, controller still gripped in one, he then used his other hand to shove Noel hard as the other man burst into a fit of laughter.

“Hey that’s my sore shoulder!” Noel protested between laughs.

“I don’t give a shit, you invited me over to play this game you hadn’t played yet, according to your lying ass, and I get here thinking I have half a chance at an even playing field and you wipe the floor with me.”

Why does that have to mean I cheat! I could just be that good!” Noel dodged another playful shove from Cam, scooting away from the other man on the sofa and trying to catch his breath.

“Because you have that smirk you get when you’re full of shit” Cam looked at the man’s lips where his smile lines were just barely on display and one corner of his mouth were quirked up.

Noel immediately straightened his expression “You don’t know me tells like that.”

“Trust me, I know them all.” Cam met blue eyes with green ones and they held a beat. A sobering silence taking place of the laughter.

Their moment was interrupted by Layla coming into the room, her skin glistening and her hair damp and showing signs of a solid work out, she smiled at the two men who turned their attention to her.

“Good workout?” Noel asked hurriedly.

She nodded, “The best, I’m gonna sleep great tonight.” She glanced towards the television with frozen images of the game they had been battling minutes earlier “Ah latest Call of Duty? Didn’t you get enough of it last night?”

Cam narrowed his eyes and scowled at the cheater beside him after his girlfriend just blew his cover and lie.

Noel looked back at Cam sheepishly and it was Layla’s turn to laugh “Well that’s my queue to go grab a shower…” she winked at the men who were to distract by their death stare on each other to notice and giggled as she walked back out of the room.

“I’m never playing with you again. Lying liar who lies.” Cam went for a third shove to Noel who didn’t duck away fast enough this time.

He winced, and this time Cam felt a pang of guilt “Hey what’s up with your shoulder?”

Noel rubbed his arm “Nun chucks…”

“Come again?” Cam raised his brows and turned his body on the couch to face the dark-haired man on the opposite end.

“For TMNT, I learned nun chucks and had a bad session.” Noel adjusted his position on the couch to lessen his ache.

Cam nodded, not knowing how the next words from his mouth would be received “Want me to rub it out for you?”

Not surprised with Noels sudden visibly increased tension he continued, “I used to dabble in martial arts, so I got sore constantly, had to learn how to work out knots and soreness in those certain areas.”

Noel seemed to relax, taking Cams offer as genuine. The men heard the shower water begin running in the other room nearby. Layla was in the shower now. He nodded.

Responding to his nod with a curt nod of his own Cam motioned to the large soft faux fur rug in front of the couch “Face down, ass up.” He tried to stifle his chuckle at the speed at which Noels eyebrows shot to his hairline.

“Go, face down.” He smirked.

“So, I can keep my ass down?” Noel met his smirk with one of his own as he made his way off the couch, to his knees to lay prostrate on the rug.

“Have you seen your ass? You can’t keep that thing down…” Cam knew he had said too much but Noel didn’t look back at him, so he considered it a win. Little did he know Noel was simply hiding his blush.

Cam moved from the couch into a position above Noel, trying his best to keep his distance between their clothed bodies, he went for an awkward squatting position straddling Noels upper thigh and knew his legs would get sore in no time trying to hold him up.

“Can I, uh, sit on you?” he threw caution to the wind and asked the man laying still below him.

He was met with a nod and a muffled “Sure.” Since Noel had his face nestled on the inside of his elbow.

He lowered to seat himself onto the back of Noels thighs, his groin resting near the ass that he’d had fever dreams about and he knew in that moment he would have to multi task keeping his dick flaccid and rubbing his friend down at the same time.

Silence settled between them as they both felt more than they could voice. Cam ran his hands over the thin t-shirt covering Noels back, wanting to feel skin, feeling heat lying beneath the surface.

His fingertips drew lines downward to the hem of the cotton shirt, played with the edges and after no complaint from the body underneath, he took the chance, his large hands and long fingers moving slow, pressing deeply up the underside of the thin layered boundary.

Heat. Fire. Electricity.

Noels body tensed but he made no movement.

“Relax.” Cam said lowly. Moving his hands to find the knots plaguing his friends upper back.

Noel breathed deep. Cam closed his eyes and searched by touch.

He moved his skilled his fingers to rub circles into the shoulders they touched, his thumbs putting pressure on knots he found below them.

He found himself getting lost in the feeling of Noels soft skin, the heat radiating from the man who he realized he could never be platonic with in that moment.

Noel let a low moan slip out of his throat and it made Cam swell with pride at his work. He was making Noel feel like this. Feel so good.

His hands didn’t let up, they moved further down and kept digging into the muscle, letting loose the tension and knots there.

Noels shirt was pushed up his back now and Cam could make out spattering’s of freckles like constellations over the plains of the milky skin beneath his hands.

He kneaded his knuckles into Noels lower back, pressing his thumbs into the dimples there, he was in a trance, his hands began running themselves, up and down, pressing and rubbing. He found himself loving the feel of this warm body, he wanted to make Noel feel amazing, he worked out a couple more knots and brought another moan from the man, much to his delight.

“Fuck, right there…” Noel mumbled as Cam rubbed a little further down on his hips at his waistband. The words sent a spark straight to Cams dick and Noel stiffened slightly as if he didn’t mean to say the words aloud.

Cams breathing came a bit heavier as he dared to respond, “Right there, huh?” as he let his thumbs dip under the band of Noels sweats to rub slow circles there.

There was no verbal response, but Noel relaxed, and Cam could have sworn he felt the man push his ass up into Cams touch and causing a second of friction between cotton and the gym shorts Cam had worn over, a decision he was quickly coming to regret. He could feel his dick twitch and knew he needed to stop.

Stop.

Don’t stop.

His hands paused, and he leaned forward to where his lips were against Noels ear “Can I move your pants down?” he breathed and Noel physically shuttered.

Shuttered.

“L-Layla’s here…” Noel all but whispered with a ragged breath.

“I’ll be quick, quick but thorough.” Cam’s voice like honey against Noels lobe. This was risky, more than risky, he couldn’t help but feel a shot of adrenaline course through him nonetheless.

“Y-Yea.” Was all he could manage. Goosebumps prickled along his arms as Cam replied with a hot and breathy “Good. I’ll make your ass feel so good too.” Against his ear and then backed away.

Noel felt himself let a breath loose he didn’t even know he was holding in when the heat of Cams breath left his face.

His face was on fire. He knew he was flushed and was thankful his face was mostly hidden by the crook of his arm.

Cam slipped Noels loose sweatpants lower on his hips and eased them over the plump mounds of his ass, making an audible sigh as he let the pants settle a few inches bellow the mans perfect ass cheeks.

His large hands wasted no time in attaching themselves to them, making calculated rolls with his fingers into the fat and flesh there and pushing and rubbing in somewhat of a rhythm, the redheads mind was static, he couldn’t believe that this beautiful specimen was below him, bare ass and back on full display and allowing Cam to touch him, rub him, view him like the work of art he was. This was almost too much to digest, Noels not so low moan broke through his thoughts and he wanted to make it his mission to pull more from the man, but he needed to go slow to make sure he didn’t cross any boundary Noel didn’t want to cross.

He let his hands pull apart Noels cheeks and he got a peek of the tight little ring of muscles that he knew could send him over the edge during any given masturbatory session.

“Cam...” Noel had felt his cheeks stretching, exposing his crack, he flushed even more if that were possible and shuffled his body uncomfortably.

“Tell me if I need to stop. “Cam brought his body up to lay against Noels bareback and whispered in his ear once more, before Noel could utter a response he felt Cams erection through his pants along the crack of his ass and gasped.

“Tell me…” Cam continued to breath into Noels ear as he began to slowly rut against Noels ass, Noel shook his head fervently, not saying a word, and Cam took this as a green light.

He rocked back onto his heels, took in the pale and perfect ass beneath him and without further thought he dove straight down, hands stretching cheeks apart as far as they could go, his tongue licking a thick wet strip along the other mans crack.

His senses went fucking wild and the man beneath him bucked and let out a guttural moan of surprise and pleasure, immediately bringing his ass higher to meet Cam who wasted no more time or second thoughts as he moved his mouth down further to lick and suck on each of noels balls and then brought his tongue back up over perineum to pay close attention to the mans entrance, he felt like a wild animal, a rabid dog, a starving man who had just found a bit of food for the taking.

Noel was muffling his moans as best he could into his arm, pushing back onto Cams tongue as Cam ultimately made his way into Noel, licking and sucking his tight hole, flicking his tongue as far as he could into it, he moved his hands to grip the front of noels thighs as he knelt down behind him, fucking his ass with every ounce of power his tongue held. He let his saliva make a mess of his chin and lips, making muffled grunts as he ate the perfect ass he’d wanted to taste for so long.

“Oh, my fucking god, Cam. Oh my god.” Noel let loose a whine, an actual whine and Cam doubled his efforts, knowing time was not on their side.

He backed his tongue out of the quivering mans hole and brought a finger to tease the rim “Let me get you off.” he breathed and planted a wet kiss on one cheek and then scraping his teeth along the other, waiting for an answer to come before his next move.

“Make me come, make me fucking come.” Noels voice changed in seconds from the previous whine to an insatiable growl.

Cam couldn’t remember a time he had been this keyed up. He felt fucking feral. His heart was pounding in his ears, knowing he was about to give Noel the finger fucking of a lifetime.

He sucked sloppily on his index finger, leaving a liberal coating of saliva on the digit, and pressed it inch by inch into Noels waiting entrance. Watching the man swallow up his finger, feeling the slick insides of the tight heat he couldn’t help but crave more, he wanted to watch his dick disappear inside of the stuttering man below him.

“Ass up higher.” Cam ordered, Noel arched and obeyed as he propped his back half up on his knees.

Cam brought his other hand between Noels legs and took his thick cock in his hand, feeling the heat from it setting his palm on fire, this was happening, this was fucking happening.

Suddenly, the running water of the shower stopped and both men froze, unsure of what to do. Layla could come back out in just a few minutes, they had to stop.

Both men muttered “Fuck”, Noel attempted to clinch his ass cheeks as if to tell Cam to remove the lingering wet finger, but it served to only bring Cam back to reality.

No, Noel demanded he get him off and he fucking would. He could do this.

The threat of being caught heightening every sense in his mind and he doubled down, to the surprise of the older man still at his mercy.

Noel grabbled a hold of the thick rug beneath his body and held it against his face to muffle his cries of pleasure as Cam stroked his leaking cock with one hand, spreading precum along and beneath the tip to aid in lubrication. Cam spit onto the spot where his finger was pumping in and out of Noels ass and curled his finger just enough to find the little bundle of nerves that he knew was sure to make the man come for him in a minute flat.

Noels body was being shoved forward and his face was rubbing so roughly against the rug he was sure there would be rug burns afterwards but he couldn’t give less of a fuck. His body was buzzing, he couldn’t focus on any one point of pleasure, there were multiple, it was too much yet he wanted more.

“Close.” His voice broke and he felt Cam lift his hips even higher and the next thing he knew the red head was on his back, between his legs, finger still at an angle and punishing his prostate and a wet warmth engulfing his cock. Cam was sucking him off, running his tongue along the underside of Noels aching dick, hardly backing off, just keeping him deep.

No way. No fucking way.

That was it, he came, and he came hard. Down Cams throat, his chapped lips and dried mouth uttering inaudible words and whimpers.

Cam stayed below him for a few more seconds, milking him for all he had, swallowing everything he was given. Taking Noel’s spent cock to the back of his throat and sending vibrations through the man by moaning around him.

A drawer in the bedroom squeaked shut and the two men immediately came back down to earth. Cam shimmying out from under Noel before wiping a hand hurriedly over his messy mouth and chin. Then he helped Noel drag his pants up above his ass that was now pink from the work of large ginger hands.

The two men shuffled to take seats on the couch again, neither saying a word, just catching their breaths and coming down from the intense high they’d both just experienced together.

They were broken out of the intensity by Layla coming into the room, this time glistening due to water left over from the shower, covered in a tank top and loose-fitting pajama pants.

Admonishing themselves for their utter lack of chill, they then tried a subtler and more natural.

Noel got to his feet and made his way across the room to brush his lips across Layla’s cheek. She leaned into it with a smile, “heading to bed?” he asked, and she nodded.

“Goodnight, Cameron.” She yawned.

He gave her a smile and wave goodnight, turning nearly backward on the couch to see her over the back of it and she headed to leave the room again and then stopped in the doorway to the bedroom. “Cam what are you doing for Valentines?”

Both men were completely caught off guard.

Nothing should have been his go to response, nothing. Because it was the truth. But he looked between Layla and Noel, the other man’s arms wrapped around his girlfriend now, lovingly, and in that moment, he didn’t want to say “nothing”, he didn’t want to be that lonely guy on Valentines day, even though that was his plan, but they didn’t need to know that. Maybe it was the lingering taste of the other man in his mouth and on his lips that added the but of jealousy which made the lie rumble forth, “Uh, got a date.”

Noel gave him a look that looked like a mixture of surprise and something else.

Layla smiled “Well that works out because I was actually going to see if you wanted to maybe do the whole double date thing with us. It could make up for the last failed one we kind of attempted.” She looked remorseful as she referenced the night out with Raena.

Now it was noels turn to direct his surprise at his girlfriend, she smiled at him with a glimmer in her eye and kissed his cheek and excused herself.

Cam all but felt his heart drop to the floor. He didn’t have a date. He didn’t know what to feel. He could get a date. He felt the need to not give Noel the satisfaction of thinking he was just a hopeless non-romantic. He was though. Maybe.

“I guess just text me the details tomorrow.” Cam straighten his clothes and prepared to leave.

“Uh…” Noel suddenly covered his mouth as a snicker emerged behind his hand and he motioned to Cams pants as he stood.

Cam looked down to see the massive wet spot on the front of his pants and instead of becoming ridiculously embarrassed because he looked like a pubescent boy who couldn’t control himself he began laughing, loudly, Noel let his hand fall to his stomach and held it there while he joined in.

“Jesus. What am I 12?” Cam shook his head.

“Not at all…” Noels eyes held his from across the room.

Layla called to Noel from the bedroom then and both men said their goodbyes.

Noel looked like he wanted to ask something else, but he clamped his mouth shut and let Cam leave.

Both men had the same thought though, who the fuck was Cam going to bring on Valentines?

**

“Let me get this right, you want me to go on a double date with you for Valentine’s but it’s not a date?” Liana jogged alongside her running partner, confusion evident in her voice.

“When you put it like that it sounds weird.” Cam chuckled in between deep breaths, keeping a steady pace, feeling his sweat damp skin prickle as a refreshing breeze kissed it.

“Cam, that’s because it is fucking weird and you literally just put it like that. I’m gonna need some details.” Liana puffed some stray bangs out of her eyes, glancing over at the red head who was worrying his lip.

She tapped his arm with the back of her hand to alert him that she was slowing to a stop as they came to a bench over looking the beach they had been running along.

He slowed with her and followed her to take the spot beside her on the wooden seat, both taking the opportunity to take swigs of their water canteens they drew from their running belts.

He wiped the backside of his hand along his lips before speaking again, “Look, Noel and Layla just think of me as a non-committal bachelor type, so I don’t know what possessed me but when Layla asked if I had a date I just said yes. I guess I wanted them to see me in a different light or something. Anyways, I’m not dating anyone and hell I probably will be a fucking bachelor forever, but I just need you to do me this solid. I’ll owe you Lili.” He looked at her with his biggest and best puppy eyes and she immediately gave him a soft smile and put her hand on top of his larger one in between their bodies.

“You don’t owe me anything, you hooked me up with the best manager in the world and have been my sounding board lately. I’ll be your platonic Valentine, Cam-Cam.” She wiggled her eyebrows, mocking his nickname for her with one of her own for him.

He flipped his hand over and squeezed her hand in his “Thank you, I know it’s stupid, but It means a lot.”

“What are friends for?” She winked “This performance will win me a fucking Oscar.”

***

Liana wore her highest ‘come fuck me heels’ and her tightest little black dress to dinner, she was nothing if not extra as fuck and she took pride in that. She loved a good performance, she was an actor after all.

The group met at an over the top restaurant that they all looked completely uncomfortable with and she wondered who even picked the place. Chandeliers adorned the dimly lit dining area and a gold fountain was placed in the middle of the room, candlelight on each table danced with breaths of conversationalists.

Introductions were made, and food was ordered, she made Cameron order for her since she had absolutely no idea how to pronounce anything on the menu, she trusted him, kind of. Their waiters name was the only word she knew in this establishment. Dan. Simple enough.

“So how did you two meet?” Layla inquired, eyes moving from her plate of steaming seafood and vegetables to Liana, smiling her hundredth smile of the night.

Liana cleared her throat, ready to ‘break a leg’. “Well, it was love at first sight.” She smiled wistfully at Cameron who nearly choked down his sip of water he was in the middle of taking.

Layla and Noel both raised inquisitive dark brows and she continued, “He was my new neighbor, I saw him one morning after having the worst start to my day, basically hating all men in existence, and he was in the hall, shirtless and doing the hottest version of push ups I’d ever seen.

“In the hallway??” Noel furrowed his brow, Layla looked amused.

“Yes, in the hallway.” Liana rested her chin in her hand and sighed happily. “So I knew I had to meet him, had to have him. I mean, look at this Adonis.”

Cams face was fifty shades of red and he kicked her foot under the table. She was loving this, all eyes on her, she was thrilled and her eyes were laughing.

“So our first date he took me to an ice cream parlor and spoon fed me, SPOON FED ME, a fudge sundae.” She smiled dreamily.

“Spoon fed you??” Layla had almost an air of jealousy to her voice at this point.

Liana wasn’t finished, “Spoon. Fed.” She nodded at Layla who passed an expectant glance Noels way. Noel was too busy staring at a cherry red Cam.

“So he asked me on a second date and you’ll never guess what he did to kick it off…” her voice became almost theatrical as she held the table in suspense “he stood outside my window, with a huge boom box, I don’t even know where he found one of those things but he did.”

“A boom box??” Noels eyebrows were to his hairline now and Layla’s mouth was agape.

Liana beamed and rested her hand on Cams tight fisted one for a minute before going for the grand finale, “That’s when I knew…”

“What did you know…?” Cam all but squeaked.

“That I loved you, of course. You’re the one.” She fluttered her eyelashes in his direction and inside her mind a crowd was giving her a standing ovation.

Oscar worthy performance. Fucking nailed it.

As she picked up her fork and resumed dining she looked around the table and took in Layla’s glistening eyes, Noels gaping mouth, and Cams “I’m going to kill you in your sleep” expression and she smiled. She was nothing if not extra as fuck.

***

“What in the actual FUCK was that back there?” Cam all but shouted once inside the confines of the cab after they had wished the other couple a good night and parted ways outside the restaurant.

“You officially look like a bachelor no more, thank me later.” She smirked at him, still riding the high of the evening performance.

“You didn’t even prepare me for that, I wasn’t expecting that at all.” Cam huffed, sitting back in the seat, arms crossed.

Liana looked him up and down in the dim light of the cab, glows from street lights racing along his face, “You didn’t prepare me to make your man crush jealous either.” She pursed her lips, hoping she wasn’t out of line.

His eyes widened “W-what?” he met her knowing gaze.

“You and Noel, Layla is either stupid or in denial. We couldn’t get you guys off each other all night. I had to be that extra with the story to make up for how many longing stares and touches happened between you guys. You can thank me later if she bought my story and ignored you and her boyfriend eye fucking each other all night.” She cocked her head to the side and shrugged as he remained speechless.

The car ride back to their apartments was spent in silence, save for the late 70s music coming from the speakers, cabbies station of choice.

Once at their floor Cam took her hand before she walked to her door and away from him “Thank you.”

She curled a corner of her mouth up into a smirk “What are friends for?” she squeezed his hand and he loosened his grip to let her go to her apartment.

“I owe you an Oscar!” he called as she closed her door behind her, she smiled wide to the back side of her door as it shut. They had reached a new milestone in their short friendship and she felt special to be a part of something so sacred.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Liana and Cam are friends in real life. They were also neighbors.  
> I love the addition of her to this fic!  
> This picture is of them February 2014. When this chapter is set.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> credit to themetalmotel  
> [](http://tinypic.com?ref=5we7nk)

March 2014

Noel was fucked. He wanted it to be in the literal sense and that was the issue.

Ever since he had felt the intense pleasure that Cam had dragged out of him in February he could think of nothing else, he even had to stop fucking Layla because he would close his eyes and all but instantly come when his mind played images of tussled red hair, blown out green eyes, and a slick wet mouth. None of which belonged to the woman he was fucking.

Sometimes he couldn’t even get it up enough to do anything, Layla would try and wear enticing lace lingerie but its not what he wanted, its not what he was craving every fucking day. He went to bed restless and unsatisfied every night but most of all confused as fuck.

He didn’t consider himself a gay man, the crossover between fiction and real life that he had blamed it all wasn’t explaining all he was feeling at this point.

He hadn’t completely been ignoring Cam since Valentines, but he had kept him at arm’s length, he would text him, but he wouldn’t accept his invitations to hang out in person. He had to keep control somehow and he knew if he were to be one on one with the man he would turn to putty with the state his self control was in currently.

He was so fucked.

What was worse was the fact that there was no one to talk to about it, Cam was really the only friend he had been in constant contact with lately, Layla was obviously out of the question as a confidant, he had even considered maybe starting therapy, something that Cam had told him he went to, but he brushed that off. What would he even say to the doctor? Hi, I’m Noel and I’m not gay but I love my male friends tongue up my ass? Then what if it was determined that he was gay, or bi, or whatever another label is out there. Then what? Nothing, that’s what. Because he had built a fucking life with Layla, a woman, he had now officially cheated and wanted to do so again and that on top of everything else plaguing his mind drove him crazy. In all the years they had been together and happy, he had never cheated, never really wanted to.

He hated this, he hated craving Cams touch, he hated resisting it, but what other choice did he have? He wasn’t going to uproot his life he’d known for an urge, an irrational urge that time would diminish.

He was chain smoking every day now and drinking more than usual, he went to photo shoots, interviews, and auditions that he couldn’t care less about just to keep himself busy. Layla tried to ask him about his odd behavior one night to which he just responded he had been having a rough couple of weeks and she gave him an unreadable look, when he didn’t elaborate she didn’t either, to his relief.

But some nights, like tonight, the alcohol did nothing to dull the ache and yearning, it did nothing to quiet his mind, but he kept drinking, determined.

Layla was out of town on business and he had the house to himself, he was sitting at one of the bar stools in their kitchen area, elbows on the counter and his third glass of wine being grasped in his right hand, tapping the dark screen of his phone with his index finger of his left as if waiting for a notification to come that would take his mind somewhere else.

He nearly jumped when it lit up and pinged.

“What are you doing, stranger?”

He threw his head back when he saw who the message was from, the universe hates him.

“Drinking, you?”

“Hasn’t that been your answer every night this week?”

“Maybe, Mom.”

“Rude.”

He didn’t respond back, hoping the conversation would die like it had lately. No such luck tonight.

“I can still taste you on my tongue.”

Fucking hell.

He didn’t respond, feeling his face flush and heat up in an instant.

“Can you still feel me?” Cam replied without encouragement.

Letting out an audible grown Noel downed the rest of his wine and adjusted his interested dick in his gym shorts.

His thumbs floated over the keyboard on the phone, fighting with himself on a reply, if any. Of course, he could still feel Cams slick tongue penetrating him, prodding, warm mouth sucking, he couldn’t think of that moment without his dick betraying him and perking up at the memory.

“Go practice for me. Goodnight” Cam sent a final text and Noel bit at his bottom lip.

Holy shit he could not do this.

He couldn’t.

He shouldn’t.

He scrapped the legs of the stool along the hard tile floor as he pushed it away from the counter to stand up and move like a man with a mission to the bedroom.

Once there he headed straight to the closet to drag out the shoe box of adult toys and accessories that had been collecting dust on the top shelf since he and Layla’s sex life had long since simplified.

Lube. A Dildo complete with a rotating head. Fuzzy purple handcuffs they got as a gag gift for dirty Santa one year but kept anyway. Vibrators and cock rings of various sizes and colors.

It nearly made him blush now, those days of kink being long gone.

He finally settled for the palm sized bottle of lube and figured he could just use his finger this time, like Cam did. Surely it would feel the same, right?

He couldn’t believe he was going to do this, he kept hearing Cams text in Cams voice repeatedly in his head as he pushed his shorts and boxers down in one go and climbed onto the bed.

_“I can still taste you…”_

He spread his legs apart and popped open the tab on the lube, spread a dime sized amount on his index finger and spread it between his thumb and finger.

His nerves were kicking in, the cool air of the room was hitting his bare ass and he was suddenly hyper aware of what he was about to do. The alcohol haze cleared, and he faltered.

What the FUCK was he doing.

_“Can you still feel me?”_

He shook his head as if to clear the intrusive thoughts, the ones that were trying to make sense of it all and leaned over and gripped the headboard just enough that his body was at a 60-degree angle.

Deep breath.

_“Practice for me…”_

Fuck.

Noels slicked finger rubbed tentatively against his entrance.

Unsure.

_“… on my tongue.”_

He closed his eyes and it was like he could feel cams hot wet tongue inside him again, eating him out like he couldn’t get enough, his finger found its way inside, mimicking the same movement he remembered Cams tongue making, piercing the rim.

He took a sharp breath inward, trying to calm his racing heart and thoughts. This was fine, normal experimentation.

As he began to move his finger in and out of himself slowly at first and then picking up pace, his thoughts stayed on Cam, he wished briefly that he were more disturbed by pace at which lustful thoughts of the other man made his heart palpitate.

Breathing heavier, feeling the friction in his ass from the wanted intrusion, he ran his tongue over his lower lip and bit down there.

One finger became two and before long he was curving them like he had felt Cam do not long ago, curving them determined to find the sweet spot inside himself he had discovered with Cam.

Bingo. His breath hitched when he found it and then he picked up his thrusting, aiming and angling, he let his head drop to a hanging position as he felt so much.

His lips were parted, breathing erratically.

In. Out. Pause.

“Cam…” he let out a breathy whine without thinking. He was consumed with need. With Want.

His mind began to shut down at those thoughts and the pleasure he was on the verge of feeling became shameful.

He felt warmth pool in his belly, his balls grew tight and he knew he was close.

His phone rang, Layla’s ringtone, from in the kitchen where he had abandoned it to finger himself to the thoughts of someone else.

This is fucked up.

He jerked his fingers out of himself suddenly.

What the fuck was he doing.

He was naked, he was suddenly so self aware and ashamed.

He scrambled around his feet for his boxers and pulled them on in a huff as his face flushed with heat.

God damn it.

He sat back against the headboard he was bracing on moments before, he grabbed a fistful of blanket and brought them up to his face.

He screamed.

Screamed into the blankets.

His eyes burning, his nose tingling.

He screamed. Eyes tearing up.

What the fuck was he doing? This wasn’t who he was.

Who was he?

***

“You’re so in love with this guy…” Liana mused as she gathered up the Thai to go boxes scattered on the coffee table, the remains of a late-night dinner she and Cam shared.

Cam scoffed as he brought out a trash bag from the kitchen to deposit the containers in.

“See? Can’t even deny it.” She smiled at him, their eyes meeting.

“I don’t even know what that would be like, honestly. Never been in love and me sure as hell haven’t ever witnessed it. I mean, I love my mom…does that count?” he nervously chuckled but held her gaze and she rolled her eyes.

They finished picking up and relaxed back on the couch with water bottles, Cam raised his bottle to look at it and said “I’m glad we are doing this whole taking a break on booze thing since I got stupid as hell the other night, still can’t believe I drunk texted Noel the shit I did…” he took a swig and shook his head to himself.

“He ever brings it up?” she giggled at her red-faced friend, flipping through the channels aimlessly.

“Nah, the next day I made sure to say how drunk I had gotten, and conversation went okay after that so maybe its just…forgotten.”

“How long are you guys going to do this dance? Think you’ll fuck around anymore? Do you actually want to be with him?” she shuffled into a crossed legged position next to him, facing his profile as she abandoned the remote on the floor.

Cam inhaled and exhaled heavily, he hated thinking about the future when it came to this. He didn’t know if there was one, and the fact that this could just not go anywhere, left him with a pain in his stomach. Normally all he wanted from someone was a one-time joy ride, temporary fling, but this with Noel, this undefined mind fucking infatuation was bothering him more and more the longer it went undiscussed, undefined, inconsistent.

He felt a headache coming on, “I don’t know the answer to any of that, sometimes I think I need to leave it alone. He’s not going to leave Layla, and I’m not even sure he should. Look at me, I’m a mess when it comes to dating, I fuck around. No one means anything.” He said the last part as if to convince himself.

“Yea sure until they do, until they do mean something. Plus, you’ve tried leaving it alone and it doesn’t happen. Noel means something to you, so don’t sell yourself short and say you’re not capable of something real. I’m not saying to be with Noel, but I know you could be true to him. I see the stuff in you that you don’t want to see, and I’ll always tell you about it.” She squeezed his knee with her hand and he looked over at her with a gentle softened smile.

“If I were capable of it, I’d love you, Li.” He said gave her a playful wink, placing his larger hand atop her smaller one and squeezing.

Her face exploded into a huge grin and she shot forward to pull him into a tight bear hug, almost pulling him over with her at their awkward angle. “Love you too, Bestie.”

***

_“Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Nooooel, happy birthday to you!”_

Moby concert at The Fonda, floor level, surrounded by his close friends and getting the most slurred and clumsy serenade there ever was by his small group of friends which included Cam and Liana.

Yea, this could be filed under the best birthday ever, if he didn’t pay mind to the cuddling Cam and Liana kept doing every other second. So, he drank more.

The room went black, then purple lights illuminated the stage in four towers behind the band, the beginning acoustics to “extreme ways” played and the crowd went wild. Noel abandoned his drink at their table in the back of the dance floor and made his way through the crowded area towards the stage.

“1, 2, 3, 4!!!” Moby shouted as he rocked back and forth with his black guitar. A violinist jammed out behind him and the dance floor went wild with screams.

Euphoric. That’s what this was.

As Moby began singing Noel let the feeling of body heat surround him as he threw his head back and forth in a world of his own as he felt the music, literally, come from the floor and into his body.

“Oh baby, Oh baby

Then it fell apart, it fell apart”

Noel felt himself singing along with Moby, eyes closed now and just being one with the music.

Maybe this was dramatic as hell, but he was drunk, he was with his friends, he was watching one of his favorite artists up close on his birthday and damn it he could be intense right now.

A few moments later he felt more intense heat on his backside, and a little pinch to his side. He opened his eyes and left the zone he was in as the song was coming to an end.

Dark green eyes, tinted by purple lights, met his and Cam smiled and leaned towards him to be heard above the noisy crowd “Having fun?”

“Fuck yea. Best night ever!” he said enthusiastically, if he looked down at Cams lips when the red head bit them as if to bite back a snarky reply, that was no one’s business.

Layla invited Cam, Cam invited his apparent girlfriend, which Noel still had plans to confront him about.

Cam lifted a glass towards Noel, “Got you another.” Noel side eyed the man but took the drink.

“This roofied?” he feigned a skeptical glare.

“Nah, I wouldn’t need to roofy you…” Cam raised his brows as he made the bold statement and quirked his lips into a smirk. Daring Noel to refute the statement.

He couldn’t, he didn’t.

Fuck.

Noel knew he was blushing, so he quickly grabbed the drink and chugged it to hide his face.

Cams grin grew into a broad smile and Noel rolled his eyes and looked around the crowded space.

“Need to get back to Layla?” Cam asked with an air of sarcasm, noticing the beginning of Noels shifty eyes.

It was noels turn to raise his eyebrows, he set his jaw, not wanting to play this game but not resisting either. He shrugged. “Need to get back to Liana?”

Cam ran his tongue along the inside of his bottom lip, clearly wanting to say something but having a difficult time deciding on what.

“Fuck off.” Cam settled on. He turned away from Noel, figuring he needed to just leave the man and go back to the table with the rest of the guests to avoid any kind of confrontation.

Too late.

“You’re a fucking hypocrite, yea?” Noel slurred. Empty glass in hand. Giving zero fucks.

Cam inhaled a deep breath, rolling his neck and turning back to face the blue-eyed man.

“You’re drunk.” He said calmly.

“Doesn’t make you not a liar.” Noel pursed his lips, music began to play again on stage, the volume deafening.

Cam waved Noel off, not wanting to do this with him right now. He was sober, still on his no alcohol binge, Noel was intoxicated. He could be the bigger man and walk away, he had to.

He tried.

Noel reached a hand out and grabbed his wrist. Cam looked down to where their arms were connected and then back at Noel. Feeling just the heat of the other mans fingers digging into his wrist made him pause.

“If you want to talk, lets go somewhere not so fucking loud.” Cam yelled over the noise that was growing louder by the second.

Noel looked at Cam, looked at the stage, back and forth again as if deciding between Moby and Cam.

Cam won.

“Yea, ok!” He shouted in response.

Cam nodded and grabbed his hand in his own, removing it from his wrist, and led him to the back of the concert hall, avoiding their groups table, and out into the lobby, he spotted a corner that had vacant red sofas in a square pattern and directed them there.

“Sit, drunk ass.” He waved to Noel and Noel glared at him but complied.

Noel propped his head up on his right hand, resting his elbow on the arm of the love seat, sparing a sideways glance at Cam before word vomiting his soul and inner most thoughts.

“You’re lying to me, you can lie to everyone else but don’t lie to me. You do shit with me and then you have a girlfriend out of thin air.” He lowered his voice as people passed by “You’re gay and you have a girlfriend. You don’t lie to me.”

A voice inside his head told him he sounded like a fucking child, and a raging hypocrite at that, but the alcohol had him rambling. His head buzzing, encouraging him to continue even as a growing ache bloomed his stomach. He was entirely more drunk than he had realized.

“I like you, really like you. I might be a hypocrite but I fucking like you. A lot.” he leaned forward as the ache in his gut came to a head and without warning he threw up on the plush dark carpet at his feet, not even missing his shoes. He let his head just hang there, closing his eyes and his vision go blurry. Fuck.

“Shit, Noel, you’re going home. I’m taking you home.” He distantly heard Cam say before everything went dark and long arms enveloped him.

***

Layla urged Cam to take a sick Noel back to their house, saying she would stay a bit longer to take more photos and videos of the concert for him and mingle with their friends. Liana followed Cam out to a cab he had called to the curb and assisted in getting a passed-out Noel in the backseat without serious injury to the man.

Noels head lay against the window and Cam and Liana shuffled in the back beside him, giving their apartment information first and then Noels.

“What’s that smell??” she crinkled her nose in disgust.

Cam tucked his lips between his teeth and gave a head nod to Noel, “His shoes…”

“No…” she looked comically horrified and he stifled a laugh. She tapped on the partition between the back and front seat “I’ll give you 50 bucks to get us there in half the time.”

The cabbie seemed to like this offer and the engine revved.

In record timing they arrived at the apartment building and Liana stepped out into the street after making good on her promise of a large tip to the cab driver and leaned down a bit to look at Cam who was still sitting in the seat. “Gonna see he gets home?” she asked, knowing the answer already.

“Yea, he needs all the help he can get.” He slapped his hand onto the knee of Noel who grunted and grumpily batted his hand away, not bothering to open his eyes.

She gave him a skeptical look with a curve to her lips “Yea okay well, wear a rubber and don’t get caught by the Mrs.…” she shut the door before Cam could get out a retort. He just shook his head, disapprovingly at her and she sauntered off with a sassy wave of her hand.

Once at Noels home Cam managed to wake the sleeping man from his alcohol induced coma and they made their way up the walkway, through the door, and to the bedroom slowly and clumsily.

“Water.” Noel croaked as he flung his stinky shoes off his feet and threw himself in a backward swan dive onto the bed.

Cam nodded even though Noel wasn’t looking at him and made a b line for the kitchen to pull two bottles of water from the refrigerator.

Noel was sitting up on the edge of the bed, lit in the glow from the bedside lamp, he had shoved his pants down to his ankles and was just sitting there looking miserable in his t shirt and boxers. Apparently not caring that he wasn’t alone in the house and throwing modesty to the wind.

Then again Cam had been tongue deep in the man’s tight ass not long ago so modesty wasn’t really something they needed to worry about.

Cam stood in the doorway, observing the somber man, thick pale thighs and tussled colored black hair, Noel looked up at him, his blue eyes dark in the shadows of the room, they held each other gaze and Cam finally urged his feet to pad over to the adorably sobering man to deliver the much-needed bottle of water.

Taking a long gulp of the cool liquid Noel took a breath and chugged the rest of it down in a few long swigs. “Thank you, for getting me home.”

He twisted the plastic cap back on the bottle and threw it into the trash bin beside the bed.

Cam offered him the second bottle and he took it, their fingers touching and lingering this time, Cams breath caught, and he realized his eyes still hadn’t looked anywhere but at the suffering man before him.

“Of course.” He replied softly. He watched Noel make quick work of the second bottle, discarding it in the bin along with the first.

He cleared his throat as Noel began to sit back onto the bed and pull his shirt over his head, his mouth became dry and he wished he would have gotten a third water for himself. “I uh, I’m gonna head out. You good?”

Noel ran a hand down his face, sitting against the pillows now, head back against the headboard. Not looking at Cam.

Cam bit his lip and began to back out of the room.

“Gotta get back to the girlfriend, huh?” Came the surprisingly snarky remark from the man on the bed.

Cam paused, he’d been playing along with Lianas antics but had felt bad for lying to Noel while doing so, he still wasn’t sure why he did. Maybe to just feel even, to show Noel what it felt like to want something that belonged to someone else.

“We doing this now?” he replied, taking a couple steps back to the side of the bed then with a softer voice “Can’t just stay here with you…”

Noel flicked a tongue out and over his lower lip, it was clear he was waging a war inside his mind. His jaw clinched and unclenched. “You’ve fucked me up, so bad.” His voice was weak when it came out.

Cam dared to sit on the bed, wanting nothing but to touch the other man, hold him, tell him the feeling was mutual. But he kept his hands placed on top of the bed, propping himself up facing Noel.

“Want me to stay here with you till Layla gets home?” he risked offering.

Noel squeezed his eyes shut at the mention of the girlfriend his heart and body were betraying. He shook his head.” Just go…”

Cams heart hurt, this was all so new to him, caring for someone in this way, beyond temporary and physical, wanting someone beyond temporary and physical. He wanted to take Noels torment away, but the fact that he was the cause of it was not lost on him.

He dared to reach his hand out and let it cup Noels jaw, thumb rubbing gentle strokes on his cheek, the contact had the dark haired mans eyes opening again, to Cams surprise Noel brought his hand up to hold onto the one Cam had placed on his cheek. He leaned into it. Their eyes dancing together, hands heating at the touch.

As if on autopilot Cam leaned in and closed the distance between them, touching their lips together in a feather light kiss. Mouths barely moving, just feeling the little tingles rushing through their bodies, lips brushing, Noel moved his hand from Cams hand and brought it to the back of his neck, fingers tangling with the red locks there. Deepening the kiss.

Noels tongue parted Cams lips and he welcomed the intrusion, his tongue was cold from the water he had just drank and Cam blamed that solely for the shiver down his spine.

Cam moved to have his body fully on the bed, on all fours, boxing the other man in against the headboard, their kisses becoming more longing with each parting of lips and twisting of tongues.

Cam broke the kiss, ushering a low groan from Noel, their noses brushed together, and Cam looked deep into the blue eyes he’d grown to love. Love. Their color shining through out of the shadows at this intimate distance.

“Liana’s just my friend, I’m not with her.” He whispered to the puddle of a man between his arms, Noel’s eyes shimmered and he dragged Cam back in for a searing kiss. The news obviously a relief.

Cam muffled a laugh into his lips and smiled against them.

Noels hands roamed down his shirt and pulled on it “Off.” Was all he had to say before Cam was sitting back on his haunches and all but ripping his shirt to pieces trying to get it off at record speed.

Now it was Noels turn to chuckle, watching his clumsy crush flailing and almost toppling off the bed to unclothe himself. Cam paused as he started to unbutton his jeans and gave a questioning look at the sexy man biting his lip seductively at him from the head of the bed, he nodded.

“Fuck, ok.” He breathed and scrambled to undo his pants and push them off his body in such urgency, as if they were on fire.

Both men sat back and stared at each other for a moment, just taking in the nakedness, save for their boxers, before them. Raking blown out eyes over hard bodies and freckled chests.

“Like what you see?” Cam dared to ask in a low voice, inching towards the other man on his hands and knees, heart beating out of his chest at this surreal moment. This was really happening.

Noel nodded, his chest heaving with his heavy heated breaths. Cam smirked and paused over his tented boxers, look pointedly downward and then back up into the man’s eyes, Noels eyes darted away from Cam in slight embarrassment and Cam closed the last couple of feet between them to pull their lips together. Giving him a reassuring kiss, feeling his breath on his wet lips, heart in his fucking throat.

Noel scooted down the bed, so he was fully on his back underneath the redhead, caged in completely by his body and long limbs. God this felt so right, so good. He didn’t let his mind go to anywhere that would ruin this moment, he just fucking needed this, he needed Cam, he had been craving his touch again. More of his touch, everything. His alcohol raddled mind had cleared up after his nap in the cab and then more so after chugging two water bottles. He still felt just enough of a buzz to heighten his senses though and he was feeling fucking euphoric.

“Touch me.” He pulled away from their slow languid make out session to utter the words he had been dying to say. “Please touch me.”

“Noel.” Cam breathed his name like a prayer he was saying only to him. Their eyes held for a beat, the emotions in them taking their breaths away. Cam wrapped his right arm underneath Noels middle and pulled their bodies even closer together, moving his left hand to run fingers through his hair as he moved his hot lips to pepper kisses to his forehead, nose, cheek and then moving to his ear lobe and nibbling there, causing Noels body to squirm at the sensation. He lowered his hips and their erections met, he let out a moan against Noels neck as he began rocking back and forth, yearning to feel the other man’s hard length more fully, his mouth was sucking wet kisses along his throat and collar bone, Noels head was now thrown back, giving Cam full access to his neck. Cam bit lightly at Noels shoulder as he rutted against the other man’s boxer clad dick and he could feel his need growing at a rapid pace. He brought his right arm out from under Noel and used his hand to grab the offending cloth barrier on his partners body and yank it down, hearing a ripping sound as he did so, and Noel breathed a laugh “Shit.”

His laugh turned into a pant as Cam lowered his mouth to his nipple, ran his tongue over it and then followed it up by blowing cooled breath on it, making it instantly perk up and his dick twitch. He then wrapped his hand around Noels base and began stroking slowly, wanting to make this last but also wanting to bring immense pleasure to him.

Noels hips thrust up, following the rhythm Cams hand was setting. “Jesus fucking Christ. Cam…” he cried, hands gripping the red heads full head of hair to ground himself.

Cam abandoned Noels nipples and kept making his way down the man’s stomach, trailing his tongue and wet kisses as he went, his mouth was watering at the thought of having his full cock inside his mouth in a moment. He nipped at Noels hips playfully, bringing his eyes up to see Noel propped up on his elbows now, watching every move Cam was making along his body, mouth agape, eyes blown the fuck out.

His hand kept his steady pace on Noels dick as he hovered above it, keeping their eyes locked, he gave a devilish smirk and brought his tongue out to lick a thick strip up the length of it, Noel mouthed a silent 'oh my god' and raised his hips, sending an obvious invitation and who was Cam to refuse.

He immediately took Noel fully into his hot mouth, sucking and licking the precome from the tip, gripping his hips with both hands to control the stuttering they were doing. Noel was absolutely in zero control of his sounds, moaning, clinching the sheets and fisting into the pillows, he was losing his fucking mind and Cam loved every second. The salt of Noels precome had awakened Cams filthy desires and he took him to the back of his throat every other plunge, humming as he did, like clockwork it would bring a curse from the other man’s lips.

His hand got to work, saliva and slick lubing the length, Cam focused on the tip and popped it in and out of mouth a few times for effect, using his thick tongue to trail down to his balls, popping those into his heat as well and swirling his tongue around them before releasing them with another wet pop.

“Cam…” Noel croaked. Cam instantly thought he was going to tell him to stop and his mind froze. Please don’t. God no.

Noel was waving him up his body so he reluctantly obliged. “Gonna come like that. I-I wanna make you come too.”

Cam cocked his head as he came face to face with him, raising an eyebrow.

“I-I want to touch you…” his voice sounded nervous and small. Cams breath caught, and he lowered his lips to the other mans and gave him a heated sloppy kiss. He backed off and touched their noses together, closing his eyes at everything he was feeling right now. It was almost too much.

He felt warm fingers working his boxer briefs down, he kissed Noels wet mouth again as he felt his hand envelop his girth. Noel parted his lips and gasped into Cams mouth. Cam brought his hand back to Noels cock and they started stroking each other in sync, exchanging slow open-mouthed kisses and never letting their lips leave the others.

“Fuck, I love you.” Noels breath hitched as if he were choking back tears.

Cams eyes stung, and he willed them not to water.

Raw emotion. Raw feeling. Raw. This was love. It was. He couldn’t speak.

He gripped Noel tighter and jerked more rapidly, pressing his face into the man’s neck and biting down.

“Jesus Christ…gonna come, Cam…” Noel cried, his voice thick. “Fuck yes.”

Cam was fucking into Noels hand at a feverish pace and felt himself on the edge, the heat from Noels palm, the heavy emotions he had never fucking felt during any other intimate moment, it was too much.

Their sweat slicked bodies pressed against each other as they brought each other to climax, spilling into each others’ hands in nearly the same moment. Kissing each other with a tenderness they’d never known. They were messy, hot, sticky, but they didn't give a fuck. They intertwined their naked bodies and made out for what seemed like forever, not letting the other up for air. Cam had never been a kisser, but this man, he knew his lips were meant for his. His body was already revving up again and when Noel felt him harden between their bodies he dug his fingertips into his lower back and pressed their groins impossibly closer. Their kisses were all saliva and tongue at this point, Noel was the one rutting against Cam now, their bare cocks rubbing against each other and getting slicked by their come splattered stomachs.

“Holy shit, I want to fuck you.” Cam rasped after he bit at Noels swollen red bottom lip for the dozenth time.

He felt Noel pause “I uh, I was thinking I could…” Noel trailed off and Cam knew what he was suggesting.

That was his hard line. His one big fuck no. he didn’t get fucked. His demons wouldn’t let him allow it.

He shook his head quickly “I can’t do that, I- I’m sorry.” He met Noels eyes and gave him an apologetic look. “My past shit, you know?” he continued quietly.

Noel nodded, nuzzling his nose into Cams neck and kissing him there. He then wrapped his arms around his neck and brought their bodies to still and just be held by each other.

Just then they heard a dish shatter in the kitchen and it had the two men crashing out of their intimate moment and back into reality.

It was probably Layla in the house and they hadn't even heard her come in, which of course made Noel realize how fucking stupid it was that he had let himself get so carried away with Cam there in their home they shared, for the second time.

“You get in bed, fake sleep. I’ll let myself out, okay?” Cam threw his shirt on over his damp come soaked skin, but he couldn’t think about how disgusting that was right now.

Noel hurried under the covers and Cam stumbled into his shoes as he went to leave the room.

He looked back at a beautiful soft Noel under waves of white sheets that nearly swallowed him. He wanted this. He wanted Noel in his bed, under his waves of sheets.

Someday maybe.

He sighed wistfully and then ran back to the man of his dreams and pecked him on the lips with a quick kiss, mumbling a soft " Happy birthday." against his swollen mouth, bringing a light-hearted chuckle from the other man despite how nervous they both felt thanks to the sudden presence of someone in the house cutting their night short.

Cam hurried down the hall way and passed the kitchen to greet none other than Layla learning against the refrigerator.

She had a tired smile on her lips and greeted him with a nod.

“I was just leaving, he was pretty sick, so I stayed to help him out.” He rambled even though she didn’t even ask."Been here long?" he hated asking but he had to know.

She was oddly silent, she shook her head no and tugged on a strand of dark hair. "Alright then, well Goodnight." He shuffled on his feet and then began walking to the front door and exiting their home.

What a fucking night. His heart felt a new feeling it hadn’t experienced before.

He was in love.

***

Layla put her key into the lock, making sure to be extra silent as to not wake her sick boyfriend. She made her way down the hallway to their bedroom but stopped in her tracks when she heard something coming from there.

“Fuck, I love you.” Noels voice said.

She heard moans then followed by “Jesus Christ…I’m gonna come, Cam. Fuck yes.”

She covered her mouth in horror and leaned against the wall to help her not fall to the ground as her knees threatened to buckle.

No. No. No.

She choked back a sob, angry hot tears.

No. No. No.

She wanted to confront them. She wanted to scream. She didn’t want to see it, though.

Love? Noel loved Cam?

Was he gay, was he experimenting? How long had this been going on?

She felt sick as the moans became the sloppy sounds of kissing and quiet whispers.

She backed up all the way down the hallway and turned into the kitchen, she didn't want to see them but she needed to make her présence known. She picked Noel's coffee mug up off the counter and felt her hand shaking around the cool ceramic. She dropped it to the floor, creating a shattered and noisy mess at her feet. Part of her felt a rush of satisfaction at the destruction. She heard panicked muffled voices from the bedroom down the hall. It worked.

she learned forward with bkth hands braced on the counter, fighting the urge to break more shit. She wanted to run away. She wanted to talk to her sister, she would know what to do.

Get it together. You need to get it together.

She would sleep in their guest room tonight and call her sister in the morning.

It was the longest wait of her life knowing that either her cheating boyfriend or a two-faced Cameron would be appearing in front of her in just moments.

But she was an actress, and she’d smile through the pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters 1,2, and 3 are now beta'd by SapphireIsle92.  
> I want to thank you guys for feedback! It lights a fire under my ass!  
> I also want to remind everyone to please leave kudos if I am deserving of it and if you like this fic!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [](http://tinypic.com?ref=k4xzc5)

April 2014

Cam spooned a chunk of lamb into his mouth and felt some broth trickle down his chin, he had come to his mothers for dinner which they tried to do monthly. They’d spent the day in her little garden in the back of her home on the outskirts of the city, weeding, pulling ripe plump vegetables, chopping them into bite sized chunks and adding them to a pot on the stove, and then sitting on the porch watching the sunset with glasses of tea in hand while dinner had simmered. When Cam had officially left the nest, she took up gardening and discovered, to her satisfaction, that she had a green thumb. They had picked a medley of beans, onions, potatoes, carrots, and cabbage to add to her homemade stew that had been in their family for as long as he could remember. His grandmother would make this Irish stew for every get together and it never got old.

Once Cam had left his mothers home when he turned 18, his grandmother in Florida had fallen ill, he always figured this was his mothers’ way of staying connected to her from across the country. They would call each other and talk about gardening tips and tricks daily to just stay close and bonded. Cam knew it was hard on his mom and he had told her to just move back to their hometown in Florida, but she wouldn’t leave him, he loved that stubborn woman. She would at least go visit her mother every couple of months for a week at a time though. Sometimes Cam went if he had some downtime, which wasn’t as often as he’d have liked.

He lifted his arm to his face and wiped at the run-away broth on his chin with his shirt sleeve, his mom smiled at him from across the farmhouse style table set cozily in the breakfast nook of the kitchen.

“Good?” she queried, sparkle in her eye, watching her son eat his favorite meal she made.

He nodded enthusiastically as he lifted the bowl to his mouth and drank the broth from it. She laughed.

She lifted herself up from the table and went to grab his now emptied soup bowl and he batted her hand away, “I’ll get the dishes, mom.”

She planted a wet kiss to his forehead “I’ll get the dessert wine.”

He scrunched his nose at the thought of sweet wine “I’ll pass, I’m on a hiatus from the stuff.”

“Hiatus? From what? Dessert wine or alcohol?” she raised her eyebrows as she moved to the wooden wine rack built into a cabinet section.

“Alcohol, I get stupid and don’t know when to stop so Liana and I have made it like a month now.”

“Well I’m proud of you, it says a lot to know when you’ve reached your limit and its sweet that she is doing it as well.”

He had told him mom about his newest friend, they had yet to meet but he was sure his mother and Liana would hit it off and she would quickly be adopted into their little family.

He brought the dishes to the sink and ran the hot water as he scrubbed over the bowls and spoons with the dish rag before placing them neatly in the dish washer.

His mom idled up beside him, handing him another glass of iced tea as she sipped from her wine glass, he dried his hands and took it.

“You know, your dad had a problem with alcohol.” His mom said, almost cautiously, as if she didn’t know if she wanted to even say the words.

She rarely talked about his biological dad, very rarely to the point that Cam didn’t even know the guys name. So, this revelation came as a shock and he looked over at her abruptly.

“I know I’ve been pretty lax with you, I know you drink and you’re not technically legal yet, but I just hope I didn’t create a problem.” She thought aloud and he felt a twinge of guilt at the fact that she may blame herself for his drinking.

“Hey, look at me…” he took her by the shoulders and turned her to face him “I don’t have a problem with it, I didn’t mean it to come out that way, I just did some stupid drunk texting to someone and was so embarrassed. I’m not an alcoholic, okay?”

A look of understanding and relief washed over her face as she nodded.

It was his turn to kiss her forehead reassuringly. He never wanted to cause her any pain, and being a reminder of his dad gave him a sick feeling in his gut.

She sat her glass down and pushed her auburn and silver locks out of her face and into a messy bun with a hair tie.

He wanted to ask her to elaborate more about his dad, but he also just wanted to change the subject to something lighter, which must have been her thought as well because she reached a hand out and pinched his stomach and smirked, “So, who was the recipient of the awkward drunk texts?”

His face flushed red and he grabbed his tea and walked backwards and out of the kitchen area in slow motion, making his mom laugh one of her melodic laughs at his goofball antics.

***

“Honey, I’m home!” Cam walked into Lianas apartment after he had left his moms. He came bearing gifts in the form of a slice of his mom’s apple crumble pie she had insisted he take to Liana to entice her into coming next time they got together for a family dinner.

Liana came around the corner to the hallway and her eyes became large as they landed on the glorious triangle of crust and juicy apple slices on a paper plate, “Hand that the fuck over.”

He didn’t have time to give a snarky response about how it was only his before he was holding nothing, but air and she was pulling the saran wrap off the plate at lightning speed.

She made a beeline to her kitchen and he followed her, taking a seat on a bar stool as she grabbed a couple of forks from a drawer and took a seat beside him with the pie in the middle of the two of them on the bar top. “You get one bite, one.” She handed him the utensil with a sharp glower and he chuckled as she wasted no time getting to work on the treat.

“So, is your man coming over tonight or are you going to him?” She questioned around a mouthful of apple, still fully focused on the pie between them.

“Nah, he had a dinner with his manager and some ad exec for a potential shoot. So, you’re stuck with me.” He nudged her arm and she flung her pointy elbow back out at him, missing.

Layla had left abruptly for Tehran to see her father, sister, and family after Noel’s birthday party last month, according to Noel. They let themselves relax in her absence, staying over at each other places most nights until it was time for rest and then they would go separate ways, they spent days playing video games, discussing new work, and making out like pubescent high school boys. They hadn’t spent a night together yet, though, there were still a few unspoken boundaries they weren’t sure of crossing. Even though he could tell Noel was coming out of his shell when it came to himself and Cam and their physical attractions and interactions he didn’t want to cross a line that the other man wasn’t ready to cross. So, they had kept things simple, flirty, soft, and it had been a great couple of weeks. Cam even dared to imagine a life where they could just be like that, all the time. Together.

“You feel bad?” Liana was looking at him now as he came out of his thoughts, she must have been trying to read his expression. She must have misread it, but he answered her question anyway.

He shrugged, “I mean, I’d be fucking heartless if I didn’t feel somewhat badly. But I want him, for the first time in my fucking life I want someone for more than the physical and that tells me that maybe he’s more. I feel badly for Layla, but I don’t know what to do about that, I can’t help how I feel.” He stabbed the last piece of crust and brought it to his mouth, receiving a glare from his friend.

“She is his responsibility. He is the one in the relationship, not you. So, in that aspect you don’t have shit to feel guilty for, that’s how I see it at least. You’re falling for a guy that just apparently discovered his taste for dick though and he has been with her for a Hollywood lifetime so frankly, the one I feel bad for is you. He may never leave her, this may just be a phase for him.” Liana had a blunt way of saying honest things, times like this her words made him cringe and his heart sink to his toes.

“He said he loves me though.” Cams fingers fiddled with the fork, moving it between his fingers, nervous tick.

“Yea, when he was all head in the clouds and about to blow his load. Has he said it since?” she rose from the stool and grabbed the fork from his fingers to take them to the sink to rinse.

He didn’t think his heart could go lower, yet it did. She took his lack of answer as an answer and turned to give him a sympathetic frown, “Just be careful, he’s a guy in a serious long-term relationship and you’re the side piece right now. Keep your head on your shoulders, babe.”

That wasn’t what this was, he wasn’t a side piece. Well, okay by definition he was. He gnawed on his bottom lip and nodded his head as she came around to throw her arms around him and nudge his cheek with her button nose, “Wanna break our sober streak? I need a fucking drink after this week of work.”

It had been a good sober run. 39 days.

“Fuck yea.” He forced his lips to curl into a smile, maybe a good buzz would relax him, his unwelcome thoughts and nagging self doubt.

The first sip of his beer made him remember what his mom had said about his biological dad, and not for the first time in his life, he wanted to learn more about the man who gave him nothing but a name.

***

It was an unusually dreary, rainy day in the otherwise sunny metropolis, Noel and Cam were spending the day indoors in the confines of Cams cozy apartment, they had cleared their schedules and just made time for each other, Layla was back in a couple of days and their little bubble would be popped. Just the thought made Cam nauseous, desperate to make the most of their time left together, desperate for some validation from Noel regarding his feelings.

Cam felt like a pinning little bitch.

He was resting against the arm of his sofa, they were on the 8th episode of a marathon of How it’s Made, Noel was laying against him in his arms, back against his chest. The tv was just background noise to the commotion their minds were causing, they were lost in each other, sharing soft breathy kisses every now and then.

Purely sated, relaxed.

Both wondering what was going on in the others head but to content to ask and break the peace that had enveloped them.

To be able to just kiss Cam like this, to be able to be held by him and to hold him. To be so raw and open with the physical aspect of wanting him, of needing him. Noel thought that he should feel completely out of place and even ashamed of this, but it was the easiest thing in the world once he let his mind relax and just be. Be here, with Cam, in this moment. Just be.

He had stopped trying to figure it out, stopped trying to put a label on why he felt this way with Cam and only Cam as far as men went. He didn’t know. The human mind and body want what it wants when it wants, and this was just one of the great mysteries of life.

Not everything needs labeling.

His mind drifted to Layla, they hadn’t spoken much at all since she had been gone, a few skype sessions when their schedules allowed but otherwise radio silence. He knew her sister, Nessa, planned on coming back to the states with her for a week or so but other than that he didn’t have any other news. A twinge in his gut told him to stop going down that trail of thought or else guilt would destroy his mood and so he let the thoughts pass as he tilted his head back and turned it to catch Cams red lips in a kiss, they’d been doing that all day, their lips were nearly raw. They had kept it pretty PG ever since the night of his birthday, but he wanted more now.

On their next kiss, he darted his tongue out and Cam caught it in his mouth, sucking on it and making the two men laugh into each other mouths. Cam leaned forward, bringing Noel with him, “Gotta use the bathroom, don’t move.” He ordered with a nuzzle to Noels neck that sent a tingle down the older man’s spine.

Cam made his way off the couch and padded across the apartment, into his bedroom and to the bathroom there, leaving Noels back neglected and cold now. He ran his tongue along his bottom lip as he watched the top of the red heads ass peak out of his low hanging sweatpants and urged himself to make a move, make this move.

He wanted more from the other man, if not now than when? When would they have the amount of freedom they had right now?

He heard the bathroom door clap shut and It was as if he just needed that sound to wake up, like a gun shot at the start of a race, engines revving to life. He stood up and pulled his boxers and sweat pants down in one go, yanking his gray v neck shirt off next then sitting back onto the couch, trying to feign a relaxed position and a face of nonchalance when he was anything but. He hoped Cam would be down for this, he wrapped his freckled hand around the base of his already hardening cock and stroked it slowly to life. Fuck he wanted to feel Cam on him.

“So, I was thinking of ordering in some pizza, do you wa….” Cam came back into the living room and his mind went static with the sight before him.

Noel butt ass naked, spread out on his couch, his thick thighs parted to give Cam a perfect view of his thick cock and tightening balls, Cam couldn’t fucking move from the spot near the wall several feet from the couch.

Noel kept lazily stroking his hard on, the look on Cams face giving him confidence, this was taken rather well from the looks of it. He stuck his index finger of his free hand into his mouth, coating it in saliva, and then let it fall to his nipple, grazing over it and leaving cool wetness in its wake. His nipple hardened at the sensation and he moved further down, scooting a bit on the sofa to expose his entrance and brought his spit covered finger to the ring of muscle.

Cams breath hitched, and he let out a low groan, letting his head rock back and hit the wall with an audible thud. Noel was so open, so vulnerable, so exposed. So, fucking sexy. As Noel gave him an almost bashful grin he inserted the tip of his finger into his waiting hole and it was all Cam could do to not fucking come in his pants.

Pants. Off.

He was spurred to action at the thought of any kind of restraint being against his dick right now, so he scrambled out of his pants and approached the now moaning man slowly, calculated. Unsure if this was just a show or a test of strength, did he want Cam to take the reins?

Noels entire finger was thrusting in and out of his ass now and the grunts coming from his pink parted lips were wrecking Cam. He got onto the couch knees first, breath ragged, looking at Noel for a sign, permission to join. Noel’s blown out eyes and a bite at his lip was all he needed.

Cam put his own finger into his mouth, leaving a thick film of wetness on it as he pulled it out and brought it to Noels ass, rubbing the finger around the filled hole to add lubrication for the other man’s finger and then easing his own in along side Noels.

“Holy Fuck. Yes.” Noel threw his head back on the arm of the couch and thrust his ass down with every pump of their fingers which were working up a rhythm of their own. Steady, in sync. Cam brought his mouth to Noels leaking cock, the tip of which was so purple and ready to let go. Cam wanted to fucking taste every drop. Fuck pizza, he now knew what he wanted to eat.

His mouth parted around it and Noel fucking whimpered and breathed “Yes.” Repeatedly as Cam took him farther in, mouth stretching around his girth, taking him all the way to the back of his throat and hummed. Noel cried out. 

The wet heat of Cams mouth and the tightening around his cock when he sucked and hummed along with the relentless friction of fingers in his asshole had Noel coming in warm spurts down the other man’s throat in a matter of seconds.

Cam licked him clean and pulled off his dick with a wet pop, licking his lips, eyes hooded.

They both knew they wanted more. This wasn’t going to satisfy them now. Cam stayed silent and waited as they held each others heated gaze.

Noel had been thinking about this, his next words. He trusted Cam to take care of him, trusted Cam as a friend, lover. So, when the words left his mouth they weren’t said with doubt.

“I want you to fuck me.” He breathed as the red head was inching his naked body up his own.

Cam made the slow journey up Noels body in a millisecond at the words, smashing their lips together, all gentleness from their slow make out sessions from earlier gone. Their tongues fucked into each other mouths, sloppy, messy, hot as fuck. Cam pulled Noels naked body up to meet his and he rutted their bare cocks together, urging the other man to hardness again.

“Bedroom.” Cam mumbled against soft lips that he’d never tire of kissing. Noel nodded, and the two men stumbled off the couch and to the bedroom with the grace of two newborn deer. Tripping over furniture, sliding off walls, trying to keep hands on each other the whole while.

The bed was cool to the touch, making the two men shiver due to the contrast of their heated skin. Cam quickly brought a small bottle of lube and a condom out from his bedside table drawer and got back to kissing his sexy partner underneath him. He paused, pulling back to just take in the sight, Noels hair was his natural auburn color, free of black dyes. His ocean blue eyes looked deeply into Cams, he felt that the older man could read his mind with those eyes if he really wanted to. They were soulful, windows, staring up at him, crinkling at the edges as he smiled. Cam nuzzled at his hairline and felt his heart swell as Noels strong arms wrapped around him and brought their bodies flush together.

This had to be real. It fucking had to be.

“You sure you want this?” he whispered against Noel’s ear, hair tickling his nose.

He felt Noel nod slowly “Want you…”

And god damn if that didn’t make Cams chest swell. Noel wanted him. Wanted him to take care of him, his first time with a man, and last time if Cam had a say in anything. He wanted to be everything for this man.

That feeling alone was new to him. Everything with Noel was new, though he had gone through the motions with others in the past, Noel made everything feel new. And he guessed, in a way, it was.

He softly cleared his throat, getting caught up in emotions but he had a job to do first.

He pulled away just far enough for their lips to connect again before he reached for the lube and popped the top, spreading it on his fingers liberally, he brought his body back over Noels as he reached between them to open him up, their work from moments earlier had already started the process so he easily slide two long digits in and brought soft moans from his lover, heat spread over his own body, Noels sweaty hands were gripping into his hips, his eyes clinched as Cam added a third finger, biting down on his lip and quickening his breathing.

“You okay?” Cam asked, before leaning down and planting gentle kissed along Noels jawline.

He just nodded as Cam trailed kisses down his neck, evoking goose bumps to rise on skin, second in number only to the array of light brown freckles on every inch of Noels chest. Mirroring the ones of his own, and he thought for a moment as he lingered over the panting mans nipple with his wet tongue, if maybe they were cut from the same cloth, same skin, they had a familiarity about them that Cam could let himself think was the stuff soulmates are made of. He smiled against the soft plains of belly, over the ridges of ribs and hip bones, planting a soft and teasing kiss onto the head of Noels dick as he brushed by it on his way to lick and suck at his sensitive perineum. Noels hips bucked and Cam grazed his teeth and tongue gently over the mans balls before he curled his fingers to find the bundle of nerves that was sure to melt the man beneath him into the mattress. He knew he hit the spot when Noels blunt nails cut into his skin and he punched out a pleasure filled “Fuck!”. Cam smiled.

Now he could find it with his cock.

He slid his fingers out and opened the condom wrapper with his teeth and slick fingers, using his other hand to stroke Noels face and hair soothingly.

Noels eyes open, watching Cam with blown out pupils, there were little spots of red blood on his full bottom lip from biting down so hard. Cam slid his thumb over the stain on those perfect lips and brought it to his own to suck on, the metallic taste making his cock twitch, Noels chest heaving as he mouthed “Holy shit.” And Cam gave him a salacious grin, eyes not leaving the other mans as he rolled the condom over his aching erection. He wasn’t gonna fucking last and that had to be the only downfall to this. He’d been ready to come when he had seen Noel spread eagle naked on his couch twisting his thick cock in his hand, precome glistening and waiting to be tasted.

Cam lined himself up to Noels entrance, both men knowing the gravity of this moment, both men breathing erratically, nervous, elated, ready.

In love.

They brought their lips together for a needy sloppy kiss and Cam inched forward, he was going so slowly he wasn’t even sure if he was actually making any headway, the only signs were the increasingly pained groans from Noel, he kissed him through it, whispering things like “Tell me if its too much.”, “You feel so fucking good.”, he hated that he was causing his lover pain, he knew he was big, but he also knew that he had made sure to prep him well so hopefully pleasure would be felt soon.

After what seemed like half an hour he was fully inside, buried to the hilt. Tears pricked at Noels eyes when he pulled his head back to look at the beautiful man, he brought his lips to the corners of his eyes and gently kissed the dampness away. Noel brought his hands up to cage in Cams face and they just stayed there for a beat or two, letting Noels body adjust and just letting their eyes speak to each other. Soul to soul. Hot breath fanning over one another, eyes scanning for any sign of hesitation, and when none was seen, ever so slowly Cam pulled out bit by bit and tested the waters by sliding back in, each time getting smoother until he worked up a steady pace and Noel was choking on his moans, pulling his chest to him and biting into his shoulder with every other thrust.

His mind was gone, he couldn’t fucking remember the last time he had felt this high on just fucking, just being with someone like this, his head felt so light, he wanted to make Noel come again before he did since he knew it wasn’t far. He rose up to place his hands on either side of Noels head, angling his hips and rubbing his dick inside the heat filled walls of Noel until he found those nerves again. Noel choked back an actual sob and pressed Cams hips down against him with the heels of his feet, wanting to feel every inch of him bringing him to life.

Thrusts became harder and with each one Noel gave encouraging groans and filthy words, the pleasure hit, and it hit hard. His ass was on fire and feeling the length of Cams cock rocking into him over and over had him clenching his ass and watching as Cam gasped at the sensation around him.

“Don’t stop, please don’t stop.” He pleaded with the sweat glistened man above him, that’s the last thing either wanted to do but they knew that they were seconds away from release.

Cam furrowed his brow as he aimed at Noels prostate with each snap of his hips, he had to get Noel to come before he did, had to.

He wrapped his hand around Noels cock and stroked it in time with his thrusts, bringing gibberish from his lovers lips, Noels hands flew to Cams ass as Cams hand worked him, and with all his strength he pulled Cam fully into him, raising his hips and making sure Cam couldn’t move as Noel felt the head of his dick pressing against his bundle of nerves, rendered immobile. There it was. He came, and he came hard, walls clinching around Cam, tremors racking his body, and Cams jaw dropping as he came to his own release at nearly the same time.

Both men screaming the others name, riding out the waves of the fucking tsunami they had just braved together.

Cam took a moment to gather himself before he pulled out ever so gently and disposed of the used condom in the bin near the bed. Flopping down on his side next to a flushed Noel who was still catching his breath, eyes closed, mouth agape.

He thought that maybe they would engage in some post coitus small talk as he watched the other man lick his lips and turn his face his direction but when he opened his eyes there was a glassy sheen over them and a heaviness he had yet to see from the other man.

“Stay tonight?” he tilted his head to the side, bringing his hand to stroke the man’s cheek softly.

Noel mimicked his gesture with one of his own, rubbing his thumb across Cams cheek, eyes not yet leaking but the storm in them not yet calm.

He nodded.

Inhale. Exhale.

“I’m going to end things with Layla.”

***

Noel was pacing like a caged and rabid animal the day that Layla and her sister were set to arrive home. He hadn’t slept much since he had made the decision, ending a decade of shared life with another person could never be easy, could never be made up for, time couldn’t be given back.

He loved her, he did. But he felt things that he had never once felt with her, with Cam and that’s when he knew this was different. This thing with Cam, it was real, and he couldn’t forgive himself if he never took that leap of faith to find out.

He also knew he was never going to be able to forgive himself for what he was about to do to Layla. His Best friend and partner.

He had bitten his already short nails down to less than nothing, he had chain smoked all day, hell he had even taken a shot of liquid courage fifteen minutes ago. He had his bag packed, he would sit her down, have the talk, and then of course let her have the house to stay in for awhile. He could stay in a hotel.

A knock on the door sounded and he jerked his head towards it, wondering why Layla would be knocking. He went to answer it nonetheless, clammy fingers grasping the nob a little too hard.

“Nessa?” he questioned when he saw Layla’s older sister on the porch, a quick glance around told him she was alone.

“Layla dropped me off and is going to the store to get some things to cook for dinner tonight, can I come in?” the brunette asked curtly.

The question was rhetorical since she knew she was allowed here, and she had one foot in the threshold before Noel gave her a nod.

He closed the door behind them and shuffled idly on his feet while she walked further into the house, now he had to delay his already monumentally fucked up break up even longer. When would even be a good time now? Before dinner? Afterwards? Maybe nearer to the time they went to lay down in their bedroom. Private.

“Noel come, here will you?” Nessas voice called from the living room and his shuffling feet headed her way.

She patted the cushion next to her on the couch, he obliged and sat stiffly. Her big brown eyes, so reminiscent of Layla’s, swept over him and then her passive gaze turned stony, her jaw set as she turned further around to fully face him.

He knew immediately he wanted to be anywhere but here.

“Look, I know everything so if you could just spare me the denial this talk will go faster for the both of us.” She began, pursing her lips her eyes not leaving his own.

Silence.

“Alright, so, Layla knows you’re fucking your friend. Cam. Cameron Monaghan to be exact. I looked the kid up.”

She paused, and his mind went blank, blood left his body, he was literally Casper’s bastard child in this moment.

Silence.

“I appreciate you not trying to lie to me right now and I’ll take your silence as confirmation. Anyways, it ends right now. Our father is sick, he won’t make it another year. His last wish is to see my sister married, ideally with kids but we can work around that. Time constraints and all. So, you’re going to stop fucking Cameron, you’re going to propose to Layla, and you’re going to make my father and sister happy fucking people.” She hissed with a venom so hot he felt chills creep up his spine.

He needed to find his fucking voice. He couldn’t do what she was demanding.

“I can’t….” he began, and she jabbed a thin finger in his face, almost connecting with his nose, and cut him off.

“You can, and you will, or else your lover boy will be outed. I will spare you for Layla and my father’s sake, but I couldn’t give less of a fuck about your boyfriend. Hollywood is cruel to the gays, so is the rest of this fucking world, you wouldn’t want his career ruined before it even started, would you? His life?”

She took his horrified expression as an answer.

“Good, didn’t think so. Also, Layla is to be left in the dark about this talk we have just had. She wouldn't agree with this and would rather shame our family but I won't have it. So quick recap, drop the fling, apologize and grovel to my sister and then when she forgives you, because she has a big heart and will, you put a ring on her pretty little finger, or I will bring your fucking world crashing down around you.” She nearly spat the last part and rose from the couch, giving him one last glare and leaving him to himself in the room to think about how absolutely fucked he was.

He couldn’t fuck up Cams life, he couldn’t ruin him like that.

He felt a knot form in his throat and instead of swallowing it down, he let it come. He cried.

He cried for the love he had barely known and had already lost.

[](http://tinypic.com?ref=2a9ut4x)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well 2 chapters in one month, look at me go! haha.  
> Don't expect this to be the norm, I just had an insanely good flow.  
> P.s. I hope ya'll don't mind angst because there will be a lot in the coming chapters.
> 
> Leave comments or kudos if I deserve them!  
> xoxo


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guys, this is insanely depressing. Hell I even cried while writing it. It's a part of the story and a part of the bigger picture though so don't hate me too much.  
> Listen to Over You by ingrid michaelson while reading if ya want to get in my head space.  
> Xoxo

May 2014

The brown eyes across from him were all wrong.

He brushed the thought away as quickly as it had come, bringing himself back to the light conversation for what seemed like the hundredth time.

Layla was waving her hands animatedly while telling him all about her spa day at the resort, what was she saying? He focused.

“You should take some time to go and see Rangi tomorrow, that man did wonders for the tension knots in my shoulders.” She gave him a faint smile, one of the few he had seen in awhile. She was relaxing on their vacation, letting go of the stresses they had gone through together the last couple of weeks. 

He nodded agreeably, and his mind wandered some more, they had reconciled, he had come clean, to a degree.

“I was confused, I got caught up and blurred lines between fiction and reality.” Blurred lines, that’s what he had minimalized his time with Cam as and he had felt the bile crawl up his throat, digging claws into his tongue, as he choked out the lie.

There had been yelling, tears, and distance. Layla was hurt. Cam was left in the dark. Noel was in pieces.

Noels subconscious heard a questioning lilt to Layla’s voice.

Focus.

“You seem tired, are you tired?” she asked, brushing her locks back behind her shoulders, sitting back in her chair. A look in her eyes that was a mix of curiosity and something else.

“Just full, dinner was great.” He gave her a soft smile, leaning back and rubbing his stomach to bring the point home.

She nodded, “We will have to leave the waitress a good tip, she has kept us full and happy tonight.” Her eyes sparkled at the word happy and he let his eyes linger on her face. She was getting there.

“You happy?” he dared to ask.

She paused. “Yea, I think so.” She reached her hand across the small table and he met her with his halfway. Squeezing her small one in his larger one.  
His smile reached his eyes this time.

“Love you.” She tilted her head, eyes soft.

He drifted.

Green eyes, soft, almond, blown.  
He drifted to freckles like stars.  
He drifted to that slightly crooked jaw, set and trying to keep a laugh locked in.

Layla squeezed his hand this time, and he gave her a breathy “I love you, too”.

He was startled a bit, to be honest. This was the first time she had uttered those words since they had begun to work on rebuilding.  
He understood. 

Its something you reevaluate. Loving someone, after cheating, after lies and missteps. Because can love exist after that? Did love exist before that?

Musicians began to play on the small stage in the corner of the tent they were under. He suddenly craved the night sky. In this little piece of the world it felt like the sky consumed you, each star brighter than anything you’d ever see in the city, back home.

Bora Bora. Vacation.

He had booked their flights on a whim, while drinking, having a weak moment, phone in hand, reading through one of Cams many desperate texts. Wondering what had happened, blaming himself, asking when he could see him, talk to him, touch him.

He booked the flight to the farthest destination he could find, and he and Layla went the very next day.

A get away.

A run away.

The flight in a fight or flight scenario.

He heard a chair scrape along the sandy wooden board floor, breaking him out of his thoughts and he saw Layla rise, an almost sad look in her eyes this time. But she blinked, and her eyes went soft again, “I’m gonna call it a night.” She rounded the table and brushed her lips against his cheek. He took her wrist in his hand and met her eyes with his. Steady. Apologetically. He knew he wasn’t back to himself just yet. She knew.

“I’ll be there soon.” He reassured. She nodded reluctantly, and he released her.

He watched her walk out into the night air, away from the slightly crowded dining space, swaying her hips to the rhythm of the upbeat band music.

This was how his life was supposed to be. Layla was a good woman, she was kind, beautiful. She was forgiving to a fault. He owed her a happy life, he owed her this.

He eventually saw himself out of the mess of tables, chairs, and chatter and out into the night, towards the beach and the sea.

He had taken long evening walks every night they had been there, four nights now. They gave him a chance to breath, be alone, center himself. Focus on the path he had to take, the path he needed to take.  
The farther he walked from the noise of the tent, the more at peace he became. He felt his mind drift and this time he didn’t feel the need to stop it because it was just him, him and the universe out here on the sand, along the beach. Waves lapping at the shore, wind blowing through the palm trees and the moon hanging overhead like something from a canvas. Too perfect to be real life.

“Wish you were here.” He whispered up at the night sky, corner of his eyes stinging. Letting his thoughts float from his tongue freely before he made himself pin them back up for safe keeping, for secret keeping.

He paused his walking, scrunching his toes into the sand and imagining the pull of strong long arms around his body, the smell of something reminiscent of shave cream and Calvin Klein, smog and natural musk from a recent 3-mile run. A smell that exclusively belonged to a red head that could now only exist in his unscripted dreams.

He squeezed his eyes shut, he had to leave Cam here, at least the version of Cam he had come to know. Come to love. He had to leave him on these sandy shores with the rest of the debris from fellow vacationers, running from the stresses of their real lives.

He had to leave it all here, leave it all behind.  
His eyes stung. He felt his hand sliding into his pocket and grasping fingers around the rectangular shape of his phone.

Leave it here. Leave it behind.

He blinked as the screen shown into his eyes, bright, a contrast to his surroundings. He suddenly wished he wasn’t so incredibly sober. His thumb scrolled until it found it target in his contact list.

He took a deep breath in, looked out at the vast expanse of the ocean, light of the moon, his own little bubble. Far away from stress, he could do this. He could stay detached.

Leave it here.

***

It had been two weeks since he had been inside of Noel.

It had been two weeks since Noel had left his bed with the promise of ending things with Layla.

It had been two weeks since he had let himself feel hopeful. Free.

It had been two weeks since he had heard anything from the man who clutched his heart carelessly in both of his clumsy hands.

Walking on a tightrope. Stumbling through a maze, blindfolded. That’s what it felt like. His feelings had felt so real, Noel had seemed so sincere. Was it a lie? Just some bullshit experimental shit because the man was bored with his relationship with a woman?

He had been drunk nearly every night since that second night he realized he wasn’t going to get a response. He could see the underlying worry in Liana’s eyes, he avoided his mothers calls all together. He was ashamed, and he wouldn’t dare to let her know he had upped his drinking.

He was currently slurring his words and singing along to a Childish Gambino club remix in a corner booth of Akbar. He felt Roberts eyes on him tonight, worried. That was the trend, worry. Liana was on the dance floor, glancing in his direction every few minutes, worried. He was slouched in the expensive yet uncomfortable red seat of the booth. Remembering New Years, that kiss and those lips. Waving the overworked waiter over entirely too often to deliver him more shots.

Robert looked ready to cut him off with his narrowed eyes and subtle head shake to the waiter who had just come back from Cams table to the bar to fill the order.

He’d just leave. He needed to leave. His mom was probably going to hear about this, he thought in retrospect. He didn’t think this location through too well. His mind just wanted booze and fuck if it didn’t feel like he’d be forever underage.

Fucking bullshit.

He nodded to Liana when she looked over at him again from the dance floor. He thinks he nodded. Who fucking knows what his body was doing at this point.

She all but ran over to the booth. “What’s up, babe?” she asked breathlessly.

“Gonna go home.” He thinks he felt some drool leak out of his mouth onto his chin. So hot.

She bit her lip, looking back at her obviously gay dance partner apologetically. The guy nodded casually, shrugged, and moved through the crowd to find a new dance partner.

“Let’s go then.” She came to his side and wrapped her scrawny arm around him, under his arm to heave him up to his feet.

Robert had a car waiting for them outside the door, “Cameron, I don’t want to see you back here for awhile.” He called as they walked passed him, the meaning and concern clear in his tone.

Cam waved, lackadaisical, and continued to lean on Liana out the front door and to the car at the curb.

*Beep Beep*

His brows furrowed. His phone. He felt it, he heard it, where the fuck was it.

*Beep Beep*

Liana huffed a laugh and ran her hands along the seat of the car until her hand appeared with the buzzing culprit that had fallen out of his pocket.

She looked at the screen, her eyes grew wide.

He noticed. He was drunk as fuck, but he noticed.

He saw her swipe down. To the red. Ignore.

“Who was it?” he asked.

She looked like she was debating on whether to even answer or not.

He forced his eyes to focus and he turned his gaze to her eyes.

She looked at him sheepishly.

“Don’t call him back. Just don’t.” she finally said.

He reached for his phone. Him.

Noel.

She handed him his phone with a heavy sigh. Laying her head against the car seat head rest as he fumbled with his screen, seeing blurred images and numbers. Hoping and not even hesitating that he landed on the correct one.

“Riley…” the voice said on the other end. The name the only hint of playfulness. Tone somber.

“Fuck. Noel…” Cam heard his voice already breaking. He didn’t care.

“Can you talk? Have a minute?” the emotionless voice he almost didn’t recognize responded. 

He nodded. Remembered that he was on the phone and then replied with a low “Yea…”

Have a minute…he’s had more than a fucking minute to talk to Noel, just never got the response to do so.

His slushy brain tried to settle as he listened to the other man breathing over the phone, in his ear.

He wished he could feel that breath, on his ear.

“I’m going to be with Layla” and there it was, the bullet to the brain, the shot to the heart. “I mean, I’m with Layla. Gonna make a life with her. You’re going to find someone too. You’ll be happy.” The now unfamiliar voice seemed to be forcing the word vomit out. It felt rushed. Fake.

It was cold and to the point. Reminiscent of someone reading a line from a script, not feeling any of the emotions within the lines, with zero experience.

Cam had no response in that moment.

He felt a warm small hand on his knee. Squeezing. Grounding. Liana, thank God for her.

“We got carried away. It was a fantasy. I wanted to just say I am sorry for my part in it.”

He felt the hot tears welling in his eyes. He felt his head shaking, remembering the heat of their lips together, the urgency of Noels fingertips and blunt nails scraping along the skin of his back.

He squeezed his eyes shut, his breath hitched. He remembered the tears in Noels eyes when he looked at him as their bodies became one. Not tears of pain, but tears of joy, he was home. They both had been in that moment. That’s when everything came together. Their bodies, their hearts, their minds. There was no mistaking that.

“I, uh, I guess that’s it. Just wanted to call and give you some closure, I guess.”

Closure. How generous. How impossible.

Cam managed a wet laugh.

“You’re full of fucking shit.” He said once he gathered his strength for his first weak retort.

Silence. Liana stuck her hand out for the phone, giving him a way out of the conversation.

He kept it glued to his ear, listening to Noels uneven breathing.

“You said you loved me…” Cam all but whispered. He didn’t want to hear the lies, he couldn’t. He didn’t want to feel more empty than he already had for the last two weeks. Just waiting, hoping that he’d hear from Noel. Now that he had he wished he could just go back to not knowing, not hearing these lies falling like acid rain from the other mans lips. He hadn’t even had the decency to say these words in person, he was on the phone, like a adolescent break up. Cam couldn’t remember the last time his heart felt so beaten and bruised.

This is what it feels like to crack your heart open, display it raw and unguarded to someone. This is what it feels like to have your raw heart dropped to the ground, dropped and discarded. This is exactly why he never let himself go like this before Noel.

Never again.

Noel kept speaking, as if he hadn’t heard the whisper, maybe he hadn’t. “Well, I’ll see you next month for filming. I hope all is well. I just wanted to clear the air, let you know where we stand.” It was almost mechanical. And then the phone line went dead.  
Cam kept the phone to his ear, “Wait…” but the plea was said to dead air.

Liana unbuckled her seatbelt and scooted to the middle seat to wrap her smaller body in his for comfort.

He let the phone fall from his grasp, he let her hold him in the back seat of a stranger’s car. He let the pain wash over him. It wasn’t closure, far from it, but it was something else. It was an answer. A lesson. 

Never again. 

***

Noel made his way into their beach hut rental, he didn’t feel right, he didn’t feel any kind of relief. The talk had been one sided, Cam had sounded more broken than he had imagined he would, and it did nothing for his heart. A part of him had thought that maybe Cam could just move past this, he had never seemed to have an issue moving on from partners, he shook his head at his own foolishness, he was a fool for thinking that, he knew what they had had been deeper and different.

He needed them both to move on, they had to. He would. He would tell himself that he would be okay and that his heart would scab over and heal soon, he would repeat it to himself by the hour, by the minute, like a fucking mantra.

He moved further into the open space of the rental residence, it was a studio set up, everything in one room, he looked over towards the bed and saw Layla’s still form under the bright white sheets. He walked over to the open walk through window, looked out at the still majestic ocean, ran a hand down his face and then tucked it in his linen pant pocket, feeling the warmed piece of silver there.

A ring. The ring.

The ring Nessa had given him for Layla before she left the states, the ring of their mothers that was to be Layla’s engagement ring, if Noel were to propose, when he proposed.

His hand closed around it, his eyes once again found Layla in the bed, light from the moon shining its soft light over her. She was his future, this was what was supposed to be.

Every night he thought that maybe this would be the night he could bring himself to do it. Make the leap, make the plunge. His nerve had fizzled with each passing day and they were set to leave their little spot of paradise tomorrow, to head back to the real world. A reality he wanted to continue putting off, the thought of going back made a tinge of nausea sweep over him. He knew why, of course he did. Cam. Closer to Cam and closer to the temptation to just throw himself into his arms again, leave the life he had known for so long. It would be so fucking easy, so easy. For him. But it would also be so fucking selfish, Cam’s life would be all but ruined at the hands of Nessa. He couldn’t do that to him, leaving him was hurtful enough but giving himself over to him would be an even bigger mistake.

This was the road with less potholes, this was the road most traveled, and sometimes a sure thing, safety, was the best path to take.

He was hit with a sudden tightening in his throat. He suddenly felt so alone inside himself, so hollow. So, defeated and he let out a gasping sob he didn’t realize he was holding back, staggering further out the window and onto the balcony so he wouldn’t be heard.

He brought his forearms to rest on the bamboo railing, his head hung between his shoulders and he let his body feel everything he had smothered like blue flames of the hottest fire. He had to mourn this loss, He had to mourn this fully right here and now to move on and do what he needed to do.

His tears dropped into the ocean below, the only noise around was the soft caress of waves on the wooden posts of the hut and his occasional choked breath upon inhale. He let his tears fall, until they left dried trails along his cheeks, he didn’t’ even bother wiping them away. He didn’t want to stop feeling all of this. The love. The loss. Green eyes looking at him like there was no one else in the room, in the world. He didn’t want to just stop feeling. Cam had opened something inside of him that he didn’t know he had the access to. A realness, a rawness. A truth about who he was.

He didn’t know how long he leaned along the rail and cried into the night, into the ocean. His phone buzzed and without hesitation he pulled it out of his pocket, the one not carrying the weight of the ring inside of it.

 _I don’t know what I did but please don’t do this. Come over and we can talk, please_.

Little did he know that Noel was halfway around the world.

His hand shook as he read the text for a second time. Shaky fingers hovered over the keyboard.

Touched the keyboard.

_You didn’t do anything wrong. I did. Please let this go._

A tear fell onto his phone screen and he brushed it away with the heel of his hand.

“Let this go.” He told himself. Whispering into the moist warm air.

He went to his contact list and found Cam’s name, edit, block number.

Are you sure? The phone pop up asked.

He turned his face to the sky and let out a breath, trying to clear his mind.

Yes. Block.

He retired to the bed, slipped under the covers, feeling worn and mentally drained. He would sleep this off and tomorrow would be a new day, his resolve would replenish itself.

Layla shifted as he curled an arm around her waist to pull her to him, she shifted until she was turned around in his arms and her eyes fluttered open. They held each other gaze for a long moment and then ever so slowly she edged closer until their lips met. He let himself melt into it, needing the distraction.  
He felt her hands move to the front of his boxers, the only remaining cloth after he had pushed his linen pants to the ground before crawling into the bed moments before.

His breath caught. She smiled against his lips and eased her fingers past the barrier the cloth created and took his soft dick in her hands, willing it to fill.

This was the first time they had done anything like this since everything went to shit. This was a huge step and even though his mind was tired and anywhere but on sex, he knew he couldn’t let this moment pass unsuccessfully. He thought for a moment when things had become so fucking hard. When had sex with Layla become something he had to talk himself into doing.

With the rest of his strength he willed his dick to harden in her warm hand and turned their soft kisses into heated open-mouthed ones, full of determination. Determined. Determined to forget.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you, themetalmotel  
> [](http://tinypic.com?ref=1zgu5g4)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 100% Cam centric!

June 2014

Isidora took a savoring bite of her avocado toast, topped with crispy bacon, and closed her eyes dramatically, letting out a hum of approval. She was sitting at Civil Coffee bar on Figueroa St. in L.A. and waiting for her tardy friend to arrive, waiting yet not waiting to eat, she couldn’t help it that her developing child was always hungry.

Cam was 10 minutes late but had sent a text that he was almost there, so she had time to finish her breakfast and lean back in the seat with her decaf cup of coffee warming the palms of her hands, waiting.

Soon enough a tall lanky figure came shuffling up to her table and pulled out his designated seat, she looked up to meet his face with her eyes and was pressed to keep a neutral expression as she looked over the dull eyes, hollowed cheeks, and even paler than usual face of her friend. He smiled at her, strained, as if he was learning how to use his mouth to curve into that expression after so long. She immediately grew concerned but smiled back at him, nonetheless, motioning to the cheesy eggs and a now barely warm croissant on his own plate “I remembered what you like from here, hope it’s okay?” she stated. He nodded and settled into his seat.

She let him take a few bites, silent, the aura around him almost scared her it was so depressive. She studied him some more, noting his longer than usual hair that he had always liked to keep on the shorter side, his face of scruff as if he had sworn off razors for a few weeks, another not so typical preference. Something was wrong, something was off.

“How have you been?” she started with the most obvious greeting, not wanting to pry but figuring it was a safe way to initiate, to see if he wanted to open up.

Cam shrugged, wiping his mouth with a napkin, not meeting her eyes as he took a drink of complimentary water at the table. “Been alright, Izzy.”

So, he wasn’t going to spill the beans, alright, she could find another way.

“How’s baby Izzy?” he nodded at her swollen belly and managed another upturned crook of his mouth.

She smiled down at her bump and laid a hand on it, rubbing It ever so gently “Well, whatever it is won’t let me stop eating for any amount of time, it’s ironic really, because half the time what it wants it decides it doesn’t want about an hour later and makes me sick. It’s a conundrum I tell you. “

He huffed air through his nose, a sort of laugh “Whatever it is, like it’s a dinosaur or something.”

“Look, you never know…” she shrugged, keeping her face serious and finally bringing a toothy grin from the man.

“Kind of worried, if I’m being honest.” She continued, plan in motion.

He cocked his head to the side and gave her a questioning look. “Bout what?”

“After baby comes, post-partum and what not…I’ve had to be off my usual anxiety meds during this pregnancy” she was being honest, but she knew she could also use her experiences to relate to Cam so she went for it “I don’t think I’ve ever told you this but I have struggled with depression and anxiety my entire life, as far back as I could remember.”

He adjusted his body in his seat and sat up a little straighter, giving her his full attention and looking interested.

She continued to open up, knowing that maybe she could help him too with whatever was going on with him. “It gets bad sometimes, my mind tends to lie to me and exaggerate things. I kind of just have to look in the mirror and tell myself “You’re okay.” sometimes. Until I believe it.”

She paused, looked into his green eyes, glazed over but still attentive and she kept talking.

“I just remind myself I’m not alone, that the people in my circle are my allies and not my enemies, or they should be at least. If they’re not, then you let them go.” She saw him blink quickly, he cleared his throat. Something hit home.

“I have a dr. I talk to, it’s not something to be ashamed of, having a professional talk you down off that ledge has saved me from spiraling many times. I also try and work out more, meditate, which by the way I suck at both of those things, but I think the point of it is to just get your mind off whatever it is that is bringing you down.”

“Fuck.” He sniffled and rubbed at his tired eyes. Her heart broke for him, she hoped her words and openness was getting through to him. “I uh, I see a dr. sometimes too…” he said softly. He was relating.

She nodded “Good, they are a great asset in tough times. So are friends, family, it gets fucking lonely and you might know what I’m talking about. But the last thing you, or I should do is isolate themselves. Turn to self-medicating, I’ve been there, not a good time for me or anyone who loved me.”

His eyes were red as he forced them to meet hers, she saw a clarity there, it was his turn to nod in understanding. “I know what you’re saying, I’ve uh, been not so alright. Guess I lied.”

She laid her hand on the table, palm up, and he took her hand in his. “It’s okay to not be okay, too. But it’s not okay to just stay there, not reach out. You have too many people that love you, honey.”

He bit his lip and let his gaze fall, “Think I was in love, first time.” Was all he muttered, so softly she barely caught the words.

“Oh, Cameron…” she let her second hand lay over their already connected ones, she knew she had pity in her eyes, so she was glad he wasn’t looking at her, she couldn’t help it, she knew that first love and first broken heart feeling and it was a rite of passage that could never be taken lightly.

They sat there, breakfasts eaten, coffee getting cold now, everything but each other all but forgotten.

***

The talk with Izzy had spurred Cam to action, he needed to meet with Dr. Christie. He needed professional help to climb out of this hole he was in, he had all but stopped eating, replaced meals with alcohol, ignored Lianas calls and texts, she had to almost break the door to his apartment down one day when he was reluctant to answer. He was finding himself alone more often than not. Stacey, his manager had to reschedule several shoots and sightings for him already and was getting sick of his shit. He knew, she didn’t have to say the words, she had a way with her tone of voice and excessive use of periods in emails that made her frustration clear.

He needed help.

So here he was, sitting back against the gray slightly stiff sofa of Christies office, he had called. Technically Liana had dialed her number from his call log and held the phone up to his ear, but he had made the appointment.

She had her hair up today, a different plant next to her chair than last time, instead of a coffee mug she had a red bull, it was blue. His thoughts and eyes were everywhere but her eyes. They basked in silence for a long minute.

“Why are you here?” she asked, not accusatory, but inquisitive. As if urging him to be honest with her.

He was already here, he had made it this far, why bullshit with her.

“Depressed.” He mumbled. Cracking his knuckles, nervous tick.

He didn’t know what type of expression came over her face, he wasn’t looking. Maybe none, she was good at perfecting a neutral face.

“I see…” she mused.

He wasn’t sure if she was saying that she saw his obvious state of distress, or if she just simply was edging the conversation along.

“Didn’t take your advice.” He elaborated. A bitter chuckle escaping his throat.

She stayed silent. She had a way of staying silent and letting him fill the void. He had a need to fill silence, so he would. He did.

“The guy with the girlfriend, we fucked…” his voice trailed off. He was unsure if he could continue without his voice cracking, he would try.

“Don’t know why I’m being a bitch about this…”

“Hey, let me stop you there. You’re not being a bitch, you’re expressing feelings. You’re _feeling_. You’re allowed and welcome to do that here.” She sat forward in her chair, fixing him with a solemn stare.

He nodded. Okay.

“He said he would leave his girlfriend. He fucking disappeared for a week, then I get a call…a fucking phone call. Might as well have been a text. He said he wasn’t leaving her, that we were a mistake…” his voice broke. His eyes stung.

He shook his head, as if to will away the brokenness.

“So, you opened up to someone, you got your heart broken.” She stated.

He shrugged, feigned casual “I don’t fucking know what happened.”

“Look, you do know what happened. So just let yourself feel it, this is a safe space.” She encouraged.

A beat or two of silence followed. He didn’t meet the doctors gaze, “I don’t want to feel like this. I can’t sleep, I can’t fucking function. Never felt this.” His pitch raised, his sight became blurred as the tears edged their way to the surface.

“I don’t want to be like my dad…”

He sniffed, slowly brought his eyes up to meet hers, hoping she had the answer he needed so desperately.

“Tell me what to do, just tell me and I will listen this time, I swear.” He felt a desperation shoot through him, he just wanted to feel better, he wanted to feel fucking normal.

She rolled her neck, once, twice. Set her jaw, fixed him with a serious look, her legs uncrossed, and she sat fully forward, edge of her seat. He sat at attention, waiting, wondering what she was going to tell him.

“I’m not a fix all.” She began. He tucked his lips between his teeth and she continued. “There is some big part of you that craves love, needs love. It’s a part of all of us. Based on your past though, your need for It was hidden, caged, and you met someone that you felt was worth taking that chance on. Do not see that decision as a mistake, it wasn’t, I can tell you that right now. Knowing you for half your lifetime I know that you do not open up like that for just anyone, so I trust that this wasn’t a mistake. With that in mind I do think that the problem lies with your partner and not you, necessarily. He seems like a closeted man, deeply closeted. I cannot pretend to know him or his reasons, but I just need you to know first and foremost that this isn’t on you. At the same time, don’t blame him.”

He creased his forehead “So no one is to blame?” he asked, almost flabbergasted.

She bit her bottom lip “What I am saying is you are responsible for you, your actions, your reactions. You’re strong, Cameron you are strong as hell, pardon my language. I wouldn’t say that to you and get your hopes up if it were false. You have been through more than a young person should go through and have made it out alive, in one piece, more or less. You can, and you will learn the best way to cope with this.”

For as much as he felt encouraged he also felt a bit confused “So, what do I do now?”

“You survive again.” She stood up and crossed the small space between them to sit aside him on the sofa. “You tell yourself that this is just another thing to overcome. You find what makes you happy, you start back up with hobbies you used to find joy in, you surround yourself with people who love you, truly love you. The human mind is so resilient, you’d be amazed. I mean you really already know what you’re capable of overcoming.”

He nodded slowly. Survive. Again. She was right, he had done this before, not love but he had fucking survived. What was love compared to the shit he had been through in his life? She was right.

“If you try those things, really try, and in a couple weeks you’re not seeing the light at the end of this tunnel then come see me and we will talk about maybe some medication. But you can do this, know you’re stronger than this.”

He didn’t feel like crying anymore as he looked at her next to him fully in the face, he cracked a small smile.

“Thank you.” He said, so much gratitude in those two simple words.

“Don’t thank me, I would like to think that I simply just help you see what you’re already capable of.”

A sense of calm washed over him, resolution. He was a survivor. He would survive this.

Fuck love.

***

“Well look what the cat dragged in!” a loud boisterous voice greeted them from the welcome desk to the right side of the entrance to the gym. “My two favorite Monaghans!”

Cam and Diane made their way over to Paul, the gyms beaming owner with matching smiles on their faces. “We’re the only ones you know, I’m sure.” Diane gave the tall middle-aged man a playful roll of her eyes as he opened his arms to wrap her in a friendly greeting.

“Doesn’t mean you’re any less of a favorite, Dee Dee.” He rested his cheek against the top of her hair that was pulled back into a frizzy bun and she all but keened at the nickname, much to Cams amusement and satisfaction.

As a step in his recovery and self-evaluation he decided to pick back up on boxing, a favorite hobby of his when he was younger, a hobby that he had lost sight of as the years became busier and more time consuming. He forgot to simply slow down, take time for himself.

Gloveworx had been his go to gym since he was just a young thirteen-year-old kid needing to work out the extra energy that had come from an on slot of puberty, it was a way to also redirect his teen angst or deeper anger that couldn’t be worked out on the couch in Dr. Christies office in an hours’ time.

His mother had usually gone with him back then, that’s when they had met Paul, the social butterfly and owner of the gym that seemed to have a sweet spot for Diane. Paul was a mountain of a man, inside and out, he had helped Cam with his blocking, his bob and weave, and perfecting his corkscrew punch. He knew Cam was there for mental and emotional growth and he had always found a way to help him with those aspects too without making him feel like a charity case.

Cam watched Paul’s honey colored eyes sweep over his mother’s face one last time before releasing her from their hug, he noticed the pink in his mothers’ cheeks and smiled to himself. There had always been a mutual interest there, Paul always brought a smile to her face and he had wanted to include his mother on this journey to bettering himself, so he had invited her to join him today. He told her that he needed support with his first time back in the ring, but it was truly just to share this experience with her again and to see her face light up when her and the tattooed gym owner reconnected.

Cupid Cam, he mused to himself, smirking as he stood idly by while the two love birds began friendly banter. He excused himself after receiving a pat on the back from Paul’s giant hand and went to find the nearest bag to make his bitch, strapping on his red boxing gloves as he went.

He had forgotten how good this felt, every muscle tense but in the best way, recoiling one second and then springing to life in the next. The bag was everything that had ailed him in the past months, with every punch he felt the fog in his mind clear, he felt his mind concentrate until he was delivering one brutal blow after another in perfect rhythm to the weighted and suspended target before him.

This zone gave him a high, gave him tunnel vision, sweat was dripping down his forehead and into his eyes but he didn’t stop, too keyed up and feeling free. So, when an unfamiliar voice came from behind him he nearly jumped out of his skin as his fists froze mid jab.

“You’ve got great form, you a regular here?” he wiped his brow with his forearm and turned to greet the stranger interrupting his peace with a set of his jaw.

He was met with hazel eyes and pale skin, similar to his own if he just never saw the sun, ever. The guy had a somewhat nervous smile on his lips as he stood in front of Cam and kept speaking when Cam didn’t immediately respond, “The names Ben, I uh, I just saw you over here and liked your form. I mean I…” he trailed off, the guy was cute Cam could give him that. definitely cute when flustered like he was in this moment. Cam remained silent, seeing what the guy was going to say, a playful smile starting to tug at his lips.

“You uh wanna maybe spar? In the ring? With me?” Ben finished, beginning to shift his weight from one foot to another, Cam tilted his head to the side and let his eyes rake over the man’s taut and muscled bare chest before dragging his eyes back up to meet the now heated hazel eyes staring at him still.

“Maybe another time, kind of want to do my own thing today, first day back and all.” Was Cams reply, Ben nodded, reluctantly and began to back away.

“I’ll take your number though, maybe we can spar another time.” Cam added, with a playful wink, he was being bold and maybe this guy wasn’t even into him like that, but it had been a little while since he had felt like flirting and the instinct came so naturally.

“Y-yea, definitely man. Definitely.” Ben fumbled around in his gym shorts to produce his phone and the motion brought Cams eyes downward to check out more of the attractive man standing before him and his distinct V cut on his hips aiming towards the only part of the man that Cam was really interested in, yea, he would do.

He usually didn’t do numbers, but this time around, maybe it would be nice to have a regular booty call and not just multiple one-night stands with different strangers. Nothing serious, but just a more regular sure thing.

Stability.

He took the man’s phone from his hands and typed in his number along with the contact name of “ _Does the carpet match the drapes?_ ” and handed it back to Ben, smirking when Ben read it and snickered, “Do they?” he dared, cheeks tinting pink.

Cam shrugged, as now it was the other man’s turn to rake his eyes over Cams form probably noting the red chest hair and connecting the dots, he smiled. Fuck he missed this.

He then excused himself and Ben promised to text, if he didn’t it wasn’t a big deal, but he would. Cam knew he fucking would.

He sauntered over to the door of Paul’s office to gather his mom to leave since he had last seen the two head in that direction. He rapped his knuckles on the wood.

In more seconds than was probably normal the door opened, and Paul was standing there, his mother leaning back against the metal desk of the office, her tight bun now a reinforced messy bun and Cam laughed at the look of feigned innocence on both of their faces.

“I was gonna see if you were ready to go but maybe I should just make myself busy for another little while?” he teased, wiggling his eyebrows and bringing an embarrassed moan from his mother and a nervous chuckle from Paul.

“Cameron.” His mom scolded with no heat, and made her way to the office door, sliding past Paul and squeezing his arm as she went.

“Let’s go.” She waved back at the smiling sandy haired man in the office doorway and she grabbed Cam by the arm, playfully shoving him towards the exit of the gym.

“You guys going to actually go on a date this time around?” he asked, with a playful tone to his voice but he was hopeful nonetheless.

She shrugged.

“Because you should…” he continued as the stepped out into the bright Los Angeles sunshine and made their way down Santa Monica boulevard.

She met his gaze with her eyes, she smiled, “Yea?”

He nodded.

“Okay. I’ll let him take me on a date.” She nudged him playfully and he swung his long arm around her shoulders.

***

The late afternoon sun found them on the Venice Beach boardwalk, a tourist trap for most but a staple of home for locals. Diane had her arm looped through the crook of her sons as they strolled the endless expanse of beachfront sights, going between intervals of small talk and peaceful silence.

He had something on his mind that had been bothering him since the gym “Did you never date anyone because of me? You thought I’d feel negatively about it?”

Diane looked like she was pondering her answer, “It was hard for me, after your dad. I kind of just let the idea of finding someone to spend a lifetime with go. I wanted to give you the love of two parents, you deserved it, a full-time mom with a full-time love. That’s how I looked at it at the time at least.”

“How do you look at it now?”

“Honestly? I think maybe I should have dated more, put myself out there. At least as you became older and we started talking about things more in depth. When you began opening up to me more and I began to know you as the young man you are today, I realize you could have handled it.”

A tinge of guilt bloomed in his stomach, he hadn’t opened up to her about everything, a pretty big part of him actually.

He led her over to a bench and they sat in companionable silence, people watching for a beat before he spoke.

“So I’ve been working on self preservation this month, I uh, I fell for someone pretty hard and needed to reevaluate some things, I talked to Dr. Christie and I need to be more honest with the people who I can truly count on and uh, that’s you and always has been…” he knew he wanted to get this out before he lost the courage. “So I’m gay, maybe bi. I’m not sure what to call my sexuality just yet but I fell for a guy and it fucked me up pretty badly. That’s the reason I haven’t been around much lately.”

He felt like he had just thrown up a messy ball of word vomit at his mother's feet and he needed to catch his breath.

“Who?” was the only reply she gave, surprising him with her lack of surprise about the other information he had provided.

Their eyes met and held, “Noel...”

She pursed her lips, “I didn’t think I was wrong about him, Richard was apparently wrong as well.”

“What?” he raised his eyebrows.

“Thought he was good for you, thought he was a better man than that.” She remained vague but the revelation that his mom was apparently already assuming he was into Noel, men. So much so that she and Richard had all but gossiped about it…Well, it was his turn to be surprised.

“What the hell, mom…” he wasn’t angered, but he wasn’t able to form what words or emotions he felt.

She shrugged, her face looking amused now. “Cameron I am your mother, I would like to think I know you better than most. The fact that you think you can fool me is rather offensive.”

“Wow…” is all he could manage. Shaking his head. Mouth agape dramatically.

“Hush, as if frequenting Richards establishment only for the cheap drinks sounds even close to a valid excuse.” Her eyes twinkled with mischief and he barked out a laugh into the quickly diming night air.

“So how is that going to be with filming starting soon? Think you will keep up the progress you’ve been making so far?” her tone was now tinted with worry.

If he were being honest with himself the worry was justified. He hadn’t heard from Noel, which was perhaps why he was making progress in staying strong and staying active, keeping his mind busy. He didn’t know what to expect in a couple weeks when they would be filming scenes together, seeing each other on set, off set, at crew meetings.

“I don’t know, but all I can do is try to maintain the progress I’ve made. I’m strong enough.” He repeated Dr. Christies words out loud, it helped saying them out loud, sounded more confident than he sometimes felt.

She nodded in agreeance, and they turned their attention to a pair of loud lovers who were doing everything but having actual sex against the graffitied wall of a store front nearby.

“Well that’s our cue…” Diane chuckled lightly.

“Come on, know it all, lets get you back home so you can call Paul and set up that date.”

Diane rolled her eyes but smiled. “You’re gonna be okay, honey. We both are.”

They stood, and he pulled her into his side for a tight hug, mumbling into her hair the words that were so foreign to his tongue but belonged in her ears, “Love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I don't feel completely satisfied with this chapter but I cannot put my finger on why, perhaps because it feels like a filler chapter, there isn't any "action", and Noel is missing?  
> Let me know what you guys think, please!!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a little longer than the rest! Hang in there my loves! Remember, HAPPY ENDING!

* * *

July 2014

“Make love, you are professionals. I don’t feel like I need to give much direction here so just make love, climax, quick and easy.”

That was all the direction they had gotten from the episode director, as if making love was quick and easy, as if this scene was easy for them. Robes had been cast aside into the arms of a waiting assistant and the two in character lovers had gotten under the covers of the set bed, Cam taking the lead and adjusting their position along with the sheets covering their private areas. They were only wearing briefs, but when Cam wrapped his arm around Noel and drew their bodies flush against one another Noel felt the other man’s not so soft dick against his ass and clenched his jaw, closed his eyes and let his character take the reins.

Mickey Milkovich was his safe space. His freedom. His release.

The irony was not lost on him, his formerly closeted character who was now out and with the man he loved more than anything in the world was more of a relaxing headspace to be in than his current closeted state. He was denying himself everything he wanted and enjoyed. He was denying what made his soul complete. He had personally regressed to this point and his character had overcome those obstacles.

Staying in character while around Cam and while on set had been his only saving grace during these weeks of filming thus far. He rarely broke character and everyone just chalked it up to his method acting, but it was also his coping mechanism. Noel was hiding, Mickey was out.

When he was Mickey, he could look at Cam with utter adoration. He could let go, he could be held in his embrace and be skin to skin with the other man and feel at home.

So, he closed his eyes and went to Mickey. Relaxing under the long-freckled arm wrapped firmly over his chest, feeling the breath of his lover fanning over his shoulder blade.

Feeling the red head harden as they began their scene, as they began their soft moans and grinding against one another, he pressed his face into the pillow and let himself get carried away. He wanted to just be Mickey for the next few minutes. Mickey got to love the man he wanted in this moment, Mickey got to love and be loved in return in this bed, in this safe space. Mickey was finally whole and happy.

He linked his fingers through his partners and squeezed their hands together, their grunts came to an end, Cams cock fully hard now and resting between his cheeks through the micro thin layer of cotton.

Noel opened his eyes as Cam squeezed his hand back and as if on instinct, he lifted their entangled hands to his lips and gave the larger one a lingering kiss and then tilted his head towards the man behind him and their lips met in a sizzling kiss, again and again. Their eyes met in the dimly lit room and Cam moved his free hand to grasp at Noels neck, their eyes searched each other for a long moment, their breaths fanned over one another’s face.

Tunnel vision.

Noel felt himself losing his character, if he had ever fucking fully been in character for this scene he didn’t even know. Cam moved their hands ever so subtly downward and brushed against Noels aching, straining cock and in that moment, he realized he had been found out. He was ripped open and laying bare for Cam to see, for Cam to see his lies, for Cam to see that he did feel for him after all.

His eyes faltered, he felt it, the nerves. Cam untangled their hands and flopped back onto the bed with a huff as Noel buried his face into his pillow once more, back cold and abandoned now.

“Aaaand scene!” the director called, his words were followed by a couple enthusiastic claps and Noel knew they had nailed the scene the first time.

Of course, they had, the feelings were real even though the characters were not, and try as you might, you just can’t fake chemistry like that.

He sat up on the bed, took his red robe from the eager assistant handing it back to him just a couple feet away and put it around his body before rising to stand. He chanced a glance at Cam who was frozen on the bed, perhaps waiting for his erection to deflate, and staring into space.

The director was saying something to the two, but Noel couldn’t stay around to hear what it was that was being said, mumbling something about needing a water he escaped the closed set and all but ran to the exit.

He needed air, he couldn’t breath now that he had broken character, now that he had let himself slip into a realistic state. He had exposed himself, he knew Cam had seen it in his eyes. He had let his mask fall.

The want he had managed to hold back, the desire, the fucking love for the other man, he had let show through his eyes when blue locked with green moments ago.

He burst through the metal exit door, barefoot and in nothing but his red robe but he didn’t care, he needed to be in the privacy of his trailer to come back down from this. To reset himself. To find a new hiding spot. He felt so naked and bare, literally and figuratively.

“Noel!” he heard Cams thick voice behind him and he silently cursed to himself as he quickened his pace.

He was almost to his trailer, if he could just make it to his trailer he could get inside and lock the door behind him, shut out Cam and the triggers he had just succumbed to.

12 feet to the trailer door.

“Noel talk to me!” Cams voice was closer now, laced with urgency and anger.

8 feet to the door. His eyes were burning at the edges.

“What was that back there?” there was a frantic edge to his voice, closer.

4 feet to the door, Noels vision was blurring, he shook his head and kept walking, so fucking close to locking everything out.

“Fucking look at me damn it, Noel!” Cams large hand gripped his shoulder and the next thing he knew he was being spun around and his back hit the hard side of his trailer, wide and desperate green eyes searing into his cloudy ones.

Cam moved his forearms to rest on either side of Noels head against the trailer, his face mere inches away from the quickly unraveling dark haired man. Their heavy breaths were beating against each other lips and their eyes were searching for words not yet voiced.

“You’re lying to me, you’re lying to yourself.” Cam breathed, voice barely a whisper.

Noels heart was in his throat. He bit down hard on his lip, eyes locked on the man in front of him. The man who was reading his soul this very moment and he was helpless against his power.

“Why? Why are you lying to me?” Cam’s voice was pressing, still a whisper. He moved one hand to cradle the side of Noels face and the other to rest of his hip, his eyes now matching the pain Noel knew was evident in his own.

Noel could only shake his head, eyes pleading for mercy as Cams thumb began caressing his cheek.

“See, you want me. You do. You love me.” Cam brought his face even closer to Noels, his saddened green eyes moving their attention to the full lips in front of him.

Noel exhaled, he wanted this, he wanted these hands on him, he wanted the lips moving towards his own to attach themselves to his body and never let up.

Fuck, his body wanted this man. His mind wanted the friendship and depth they had before he had to fuck it all up. His heart wanted to feel that warm love, the love that gripped his soul like nothing else had in his life.

He closed his eyes, he would let himself have this, it may be selfish, but he needed this right now. They both did, he told himself.

“Hey uh…” a female voice had Cam stumbling back and Noel throwing his head back into the siding of the trailer he was still plastered against. Both men turned sharply to meet the almost bashful eyes of Izzy. “Just uh, wanted to tell you that Layla is here, looking for you Noel. She’s, uh, talking with Emma just over near the make up trailer.” Izzy shuffled on her feet, ran her fingers through her short brown hair and looked between the two men.

Caught red handed. What could they even say.

Noel nodded, words were still not on his side.

What was Layla doing here?

Cam answered for him, “We’ll head over there. Thanks Izzy.” It sounded almost as a dismissal, but she stayed where she was and kept looking at the two of them until they began moving her way. The three didn’t say anything for most of the short walk. How much had she seen? They hadn’t kissed, maybe they could pass it off as simply rehearsing for a scene. Noels mind was racing now, he chanced a glance at Cam who’s face looked like how Noel felt. Desperate. Worried. Tense.

The contorting of Layla’s face when she saw Cam and Noel rounding the corner together trailed by a silent Izzy did not go unnoticed to Noel, who fitted himself with his best poker face and hoped to soften her strained smile by giving her a genuine one of his own and pulling her to him in a tight hug.

Her body, much like her smile of greeting, was tense against him as she squeezed him back in their embrace.

“What are you doing here?” was the next thing out of his mouth and he wished like hell he could shovel the sentence off the ground and back into his gaping face hole in the next second with the deadly look she immediately shot him. “I mean, to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit, babe?” he made a show of nuzzling her cheek with his nose as he kept one arm around her waist.

Their little group was in a sort of circle now, Emma, Cam, and Izzy all with varying degrees of awkwardness in their expressions.

Emma was the one to speak up first, lightly smacking Noel in the shoulder, bringing his attention fully to her, he winced playfully “Why would you not tell us you guys got engaged!!”

And there it was. The air left the entirety of the outdoors.

Noel knew Layla’s eyes were scorching into the side of his head daring him to be anything but enthusiastic and his own were meeting Cams pained ones. It was the first place they went, and he struggled to get himself together and draw his eyes to his new fiancé to express his joy. “I wasn’t sure if it was something I should tell or wait on my lady for the green light.” His completely short and inadequate response made bile rise in his throat as he shot another look at Cam who now had his jaw set in a hard clench and a straight lined smile plastered to his face while the others went about chattering about the news, gushing over the ring as Layla held it out on display, asking details of the engagement among other things, he hoped Layla would field the questions because he was frozen in the icy glare of the man he had been burning for not long before this train wreck moment.

The next thing Noel registered was Cam excusing himself abruptly and Layla squeezing his upper arm none to gently to bring him back to the conversation going on around him. His vision had blurred and the pain in his gut from the pain he knew had just shot through his ex lover was nearly unbearable. For a split second he wanted to go after him, but he knew he couldn’t, the logical part of his mind knew there was no way in hell he could, no way in hell he should. It would jeopardize everything.

All he could do was watch the all to familiar lanky frame disappear around the corner of the trailer, shoulders slumped, walk ridged. Fury and hell on long legs.

***

The ride home was tense to say the least. Noel trying to fill the silence with random nonsensical conversation and Layla sitting angrily in the passenger seat, arms crossed and staring out the window.

When they pulled into the driveway the car was hardly stopped before her door was open, and she was marching up to the front door of their home.

“Layla would you talk to me?” he shut the driver’s door and pressed the lock button on his key, getting a verification honk.

Silence. The front door slammed behind her.

He sighed. Rolled his neck to give it a good pop and then reopened the door and entered the house behind her.

He found her in the kitchen retrieving a wine glass and cork screw.

“You think drinking is a good idea when you’re angry?” he commented. Hoping that it would annoy her enough she would respond.

She turned on her heels and shot him a glare but continued her mission to the wine bar.

“I assume you’re mad because I hadn’t told anyone we were engaged.”

He felt like having a drink himself, but he needed to keep his head right now, so he just followed her at a safe distance as she took her glass of wine out of the cupboard and headed to the living room.

“I’m not going to play this game with you all night.” He edged.

She halted before making a move to sit down in her favorite oversized recliner. Slowly turned and he knew he needed to brace himself.

“Game? This isn’t a fucking game, Noel. I told my entire family of our engagement, I thought maybe you’d at least tell yours, but Rae seemed surprised as hell this morning when I called her to ask her about being a bridesmaid. Then I come to your work to see you and you haven’t told anyone there either.” She spat.

He felt a pang of guilt, he hadn’t told a soul, hadn’t told his family. She wasn’t wrong.

“Did you come to my work to see me or to catch me doing something.” The accusation tumbled from his lips before his brain had told him the course of action it was about to take.

She looked taken aback, “Excuse me? No, I don’t want to be your sitter. But ironically you were off somewhere with him anyways, weren’t you?”

This fight was going south fast and his usual tendency to play peace maker was lacking. He felt something loosen within him, it was a fight he wanted to have. They had been so placid, he had been running on autopilot. This fight was bringing something to the forefront, making him feel something other than regulated.

“Rehearsing.” Was his snappy reply.

She scoffed. “That’s convenient. Well at least now he knows where you stand, since by the look on his face you hadn’t let him know about our engagement either.”

“You make it sound like I’m hiding!”

“You are hiding! That’s exactly what you’re doing, Noel!”

It felt as if his breath had been knocked out of him. Cams crestfallen face kept playing on repeat in his mind and the feelings that had been buried that had surfaced during their scene kept ripping his heart open again and again.

He couldn’t breath here, under Layla’s heated glare and raised voice. He felt caged.

“I’m going to leave for a little bit, okay? Need to get out of here.” He lowered his voice from the raised octave it was just moments ago.

She shook her head and took a step towards him, “Don’t, don’t go to him…” her voice changed from anger charged to almost desperate.

Their eyes met, and he lied.

“I won’t.”

She took a deep inhale and reached for him, he let her squeeze his hand in hers. He didn’t know if she believed him or not. He didn’t even believe himself.

***

One six pack and two blunts later there was some sort of calm finally spreading over Cam as he sat sprawled out in the cushions of his sofa, he had come straight home after work, texted Liana to bring over some good shit to take his mind somewhere else and of course she had. No questions asked until the six pack was single handedly downed by him and he blubbered like a lightweight mess into her arms, tears soaking her bare arms as she held him tight as she murmured words into his hair that sounded a lot like murderous threats against Noel.

She then produced two beautifully rolled blunts she had gotten earlier that day from a guy she had been seeing, saying she was saving them for a rainy day but considering how wet he had gotten her arms, this counted. That made a laugh burst through his lips for the first time in hours and he began to relax more and more with every inhale.

“Ya know, I haven’t met this guy yet but if his weed is anything to go by, he has my approval.” Cam smiled wistfully as he watched the plume of smoke escape his parted lips. Liana giggled as she took the smoke from between his fingers, “Might just keep him as my weed man, he’s kind of got this snort laugh that I can’t fucking stand. I literally try to be as boring as possible, so I don’t make him laugh on accident. Shit freaks me out.”

 She pressed her index finger to her nose and opened her mouth, making a pig like snorting impression that brought them both into another fit of giggles on the quick sand like couch.

All to soon a knock sounded on the door and they both sat up straight, staring at each other expectantly, as if to ask if either was expecting someone. The remaining confusion in their eyes was an affirmative no.

“I’ll get it. I’ll tell whoever it is to fuck off, even if it’s your mama. You need your beauty rest tonight.” Liana squeezed Cams knee as she rose from the couch, stumbling a bit to catch her balance before making a literal B line to the door.

Liana expected to see literally anyone else in the world besides the worn looking dark-haired man she was met with when she opened the front door. Maybe not literally anyone else but, close.

“You have some god damned nerve…” she hissed, narrowing her eyes as her hazel ones met watery blues. She lowered her voice, glancing behind her to make sure Cam was still comfortable and unaware on the couch where she had left him, happy and high. “Leave, you have done enough today.” She shooed him away with a hand, going to close the door as she did.

Another hand shot out, stopping the door from its forward motion. “Please.” Noels choked voice was barely audible. “I need to explain, I need him to hear it from me.” The man before her was sunken into himself, seeming like he had had an evening not unlike the one her best friend had had, emotionally at least, he didn’t smell of booze or weed though.

“Too late for that don’t you think, Noel? Go back home to your fiancé, stop fucking with him, he’s done with your shit. You understand?” Liana shook her head defiantly at the man who kept breaking her friend in two. The brunette’s breath hitched, and she felt a hand on her shoulder from behind her.

Fuck.

“It’s fine Li, it’s fine.” An almost detached voice came from her side now, she moved her eyes to assess the stone-cold stance of Cam, his jaw set, eyes cold.

She wasn’t sure what to do with herself as the two forlorn lovers stared across the threshold at each other in silence for what seemed like an eternity.

“Cam…” she said, a hint of reluctance in her voice. His arm wrapped around her and he brought her into his side and kissed her head.

“Let us talk, okay?” he breathed into her hair and she already hated the relapse she knew was about to happen.

She let out a loud, exasperated sigh and turned her gaze to Noel once more and pointed a finger in his face, arching both eyebrows and giving her best face of intimidation, she then shoved passed him and into the hallway in the direction of her apartment.

The two men were left to their own demise.

***

Cam stepped back out of the doorway, letting his ex lover pass by him and into the apartment before closing the door.

Cams lightened mood was gone and he found it replaced with indignancy, “You here to get fucked?” he asked it as a question, but it was more of a statement in his mind. Of course, he was here for that. Noel had been clear with his words and actions that Cam wasn’t the one he wanted for anything more than the physical. He was fucking engaged now, that was proof enough for Cam.

Noels eyes widened as he shook his head, not with enough conviction to be convincing. “No, I-I wanted to talk about what happened earlier.”

Cam scoffed, “Which part? When you loved my dick against your ass again or when I fucking found out you’re engaged?” he moved away from the doorway and headed to the coffee table to start picking up the empty beer cans and blunt roaches to dispose of them. Needing to keep his hands and mind busy. Buzz all but gone.

“There’s more to it…I just can’t…I don’t want you to think…” Noel was wringing his hands, idly following Cam on his path from the living room to the kitchen trash, tongue tied and now unsure why the fuck he had come at all. He couldn’t just tell Cam why he had seemingly just moved on. He couldn’t tell Cam how he truly felt.

“Yea well I can see by your lack of any coherent explanation that you did in fact just come here to get my dick in your ass, so let’s get to it.” Cam emptied the last bottle into the trashcan and turned to face a perplexed Noel, who was fighting for control of his thoughts now, looking like a fish out of water.

Cam moved towards him like a lioness stalking her prey, Noel backed up into the counter nearest the sink and the ledge prodded into his lower back.  Noel could stop Cam, tell him that he didn’t want to fuck him, he could lie yet again to the only man he had ever wanted to fuck him and fuck him good. He didn’t. He couldn’t find the words, which seemed to be a trend tonight. Maybe he did just come here to feel something, come here to ‘get fucked’.

Cams eyes were still cold as he raked them over Noels clothed body, making Noel feel like he was burning up and already laid bare. Cam tugged his own white shirt up his lean body and over his head in one swift move of his hands and threw it into the unknown. He sidled up to Noel in all his toned glory and tugged at the hem of the speechless man’s gray t-shirt, “Off.”

Suddenly his shirt felt as if it were suffocating him, and he clumsily grabbed at it and couldn’t remove it from his skin fast enough.

His shirt joined the abyss alongside Cams.

The two men were bare chest to bare chest now, Cams large hands working Noels button as Noels hands splayed across the expanse of the freckled chest, he had missed being this close to, his walls breaking down. This is exactly what he fucking needed.

Cam was breathing heavily into the crook of his neck as he shoved Noels pants down and took his hardened cock into his hand. His eyes were watering and he needed to keep any emotion towards the other man at bay right now. He pumped Noels cock with needy and reckless abandon, tearing cries from the other man who was now holding onto him, blunt nails digging into his bare back.

Detach. Separate. No strings.

Self-preservation.

He dropped Noels leaking dick and backed away suddenly. With a renewed sense of self. He had spent years fucking people, emotionless fucking. He could do this, he could go there. He had to.

“Cam?” Noel reached for him, concerned at the change he just witnessed happen before his eyes, and he walked away, towards his bedroom, discarding his sweatpants as he went. Knowing Noel would follow his bare ass to its destination.

He sat on his bed, naked, head in his hands willing himself to shut down his emotions to just fuck this man that meant so fucking much to him but had been the source of some of his worst days lately. He let himself focus on the hurt. The pain. The aching.

Tentative fingers found themselves entangling in his locks and he could sense Noel directly in front of him. He brought his face upward and let his eyes meet Noels, hoping they showed the indifference he was trying to portray. Noels responding frown told him it was successful.

Suddenly he wrapped a long arm around the standing mans waist and spun them around to throw Noel onto the bed. A gasp came from the man now on his back, eyes wide yet curious, heated.

He watched as the steely red head crawled up his stout body, he was quivering, anticipation, excitement, nerves, longing.

“Your safe word is ‘Layla’.” Cam growled.

Noels heart dropped to his stomach as he choked out a “Wh-what?”

“Practice saying it for me.” Cam loomed over his naked body now, large hand moving to his throat.

There was no fucking way he was going to say Layla’s name in bed with Cam.

“Are you fucking with me? I’m not going to say that.” Noel shook his head as a hand grasped his throat, applying a bit of pressure. He didn’t know what the fuck was going on, but he trusted this man above him, even if he was acting off right now.

“You’re right, I’m sure you know how to say it by now, like when you’re fucking her. Between her thighs with your cock, can you get it hard? Or does she fuck you now?” Cams eyes were dark, Noel didn’t want to say anything in response to him. A part of him knew this was Cam lashing out because of hurt, hurt that Noel had caused.

Cam left his right hand holding fast to Noels throat as he brought his hips down to grind their hard-strained cocks together. He bit his lip and shut his eyes for a second as he felt his lovers’ soft hands grasp to his hips. He lowered his face once more into the crook of Noels neck, hiding his tormented face and gathering more will power to continue this charade.

“We don’t have to do this…” he heard a breathy whisper pass by his ear, Noel. Concern. Where was he with this care a concern a month ago?

He rose up and backed onto his knees, assessing the man before him with determination.

He lowered himself to the sexy leaking dick in front of him, taking him into his mouth and to the back of his throat in one go. Moaning around it and sending vibrations and shivers through Noels entire body as he arched off the bed with a groan. He didn’t bother with slow seductive movements, he wanted to wreck Noel for anyone else. His head bobbed as he took Noel to the back of his throat again and again, staving off the occasional gag, swallowing when the tip hit the muscles at the back of his throat, giving a sort of massage to the head of the throbbing cock that was filling up his mouth and bringing gasps from the pliant receiver.

He soon felt Noel stiffen and knew his orgasm was close, he wasn’t about to let him come yet so he quickly let the sopping wet cock out of his mouth with a pop, the other man groaning, head falling back into the pillows as his body went limp once more.

Cam didn’t intend to let him rest and had other ideas, however. Staying in his crouched position above his lovers’ body he placed his hands, palms up, underneath thick pale thighs and hoisted them up and into the shorter man’s chest to put his ass on display, a shaky breath was audible from the brunette but no words of discomfort, so Cam once again lowered himself to meet his next meal.

Letting his long thick tongue lead the way, he licked a wet strip from Noels tight hole, over his perineum, and landing at his plump sack sucking it into his warm mouth and lavishing it with his tongue as pants filled the room from his partner. He moaned around the sack, pleased with the carnage he was creating, and released it, going downward to focus on the ring of muscles he was dying to breach.

Patience.

Noels legs were shaking on either side of his head as he fucked his tongue in and out of the tight heat, welcoming him, wanting him. The want was palpable he could feel it, literally taste it. He wanted to moan along with Noel, but he didn’t want to open himself up like that tonight. Tonight, was about making Noel completely useless to anyone else but him.

His hot breath and wet tongue were relentless against the quaking mans ass, his own mouth was covered in a slick film and it turned him on even more when he felt hands tugging at his hair and a breathy cry of his name slip from Noels lips.

“Tell me.” He panted, demanded.

“Huh…?”

“Tell me…”

“Wh-what…. Cam…I…”

Noel was still fucking around, clearly, he needed more teasing to know what the fuck he needed and wanted.

Frustrated, Cam bolted up from his position and got off the bed, leaving a cold naked man shaking and alone in the sheets.

He fumbled through his nightstand drawer until he found the lube and condoms he was looking for, waving them in the air he cocked an eyebrow at the other man, “You want this?”

He got a frantic nod from the other man, not good enough.

“Turn over.” He growled.

Noel paused but not for long before he was rolling over and presenting that gorgeous plump ass that Cams mouth had been all over moments before.

With one swift motion of his hand he smacked Noels right ass cheek with a powerful blow. The brunette bucked up the bed with a cry of pain. Cam waited.

“You know what the safe word is…” he mocked.

Noel snorted and shook his head, settling back onto all fours.

Cam cocked a smile, yes, this was what he wanted.

He moved behind Noel on the bed, placing both hands on his cheeks and giving them a firm squeeze before smacking the right one with even more force than the first time. Watching Noels cheeks clinch but no sound let loose this time.

Noels head was hanging between his shoulder blades, Cam took his hard length in his hand and teased it along the other mans ass crack, letting his pre-come leave a trail along it, then bending down to lap it up with his warm wet tongue.

Noel shivered and cursed.

Cam opened the container of lube, the click of the lid the only sound in the now silent room. Spreading the liquid between two fingers he trailed them along the path his dick had just been, stopping at the sweet spot, poking gently at first, teasing again. Hearing Noels breath hitch.

“Tell me…” he said again, almost a whisper, not as demanding.

Noel started shaking, sniffing. Was he crying?

“Hey…hey we don’t have to do this…” Cam broke his facade, worried.

Noel shook his head, determined. “I fucking need this, I want this. Please.”

Now it was Cams turn to lose his breath, eyes water.

Stop. Get a grip.

Control.

Without anymore pause or warning he pushed his fingers inside the waiting man, not one but two. He knew Noel needed to feel the burn. They both just fucking wanted to burn. Burn alive.

A single tear escaped his eye, tickling his lid as it ran down his lashes and he bit his lip through the flood of emotion that was trying to breath through, not tonight, please let me not feel anything tonight.

His mind wasn’t on sex anymore, even as his fingers pumped in and out of the other man, he was more focused on Noel and the emotion he let slip, the emotion they were both letting slip. Noels face was buried into the pillow, moans escaping. He wanted to see his face. He needed to suddenly see his face.

“Turn over.” He choked out.

While Noel was turning over, he wiped his wet eyes on his upper arm quickly. He wasn’t going to break down here. Not now.

And there like a snow angel, lay the love of his life, the love he now knew existed.

And there below him, beneath him, lay this perfect being looking back at him with the same love he felt in his heart, deep in his soul. A love that he hadn’t known until this being before him.

The two men stared at each other for a long moment, it could have been seconds, minutes, they didn’t know.

No words were said as Cam put all aggression aside and gently guided himself into Noel, Noels welcoming warmth.

I love you, he wanted to say. But he didn’t.

He didn’t need to.

Noels walls hugged him, enveloped him, the sensation mixed with the rhythm of their hearts pounding in their ears were making a kind of music they’d never known.

With each thrust, they were losing themselves In each other again.

Noel keened into Cam, wrapping his hands around his neck and fingers into his hair.

Cam lowered his body to meet the sweet sticky heat of the other mans and they glided together as one.

They were one again, all animosity was gone in this moment and they wanted it to last forever.

All tension drained away, and they were free falling.

How do you tell someone they’re everything to you, that they mean everything to you, when you know that you can’t be with them, that you can’t have them after those words escape your lips?

The moment you realize words can only ever be just that. Words.

“I-I…” Noel gasped.

“Don’t, please don’t…” Cam whispered softly into Noels ear. They felt their climax building.

Cam didn’t want to hear the proclamation they both know was coming. He couldn’t hear it.

Their eyes met, their eyes held. They knew.

Cams hand cupped Noels face as he rocked back and forth, the only sounds now were the soft low grunts coming from his lover.

His love.

Before he could do anything to stop it, a tear fell from his lashes and landed on Noels cheek, he brushed it away with the thumb he had been rubbing along that very same cheek. Noels eyes were so pained he almost couldn’t hold their gaze.

He was close. Blue eyes were overflowing onto his hand, he brought his forehead to Noels, he loved him. He wanted to tell him with everything in his body. But again, what good would it do.

He let the words pass him by.

They came together. Panting into each other’s mouths, not kissing, Cam wouldn’t kiss him.

Noel looked hurt, confused.

“I can’t.” was the only explanation Cam offered in that moment.

The moment before it all ended.

Noel pulled on his pants, one leg at a time, Cam watched him from his perch on the bed.

Silence.

This was it. This was their closure.

Noel padded to the doorway of his bedroom, turned and blue eyes met green.

I love you, said no one.

He left.

The front door shut.

Tears ran down Cams cheeks freely this time, nothing stopping them.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaylor(Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss) fandom meets Mosher fandom...
> 
>  
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> [](http://tinypic.com?ref=mjb7u0)  
> 

November 2014

It was the early days of winter in Chicago, last leg of filming and everyone was feeling it. Cam let loose a shiver, feeling the chill of the morning breeze even through his hooded coat. He brought his hands to his mouth and blew a few long warm breaths into them to try and warm them up. He had just finished a brief outdoor scene at the house on Homan street with Emmy, who was currently bouncing from foot to dainty foot hoping for the same outcome he was, warmth.

She shuffled over to him, hands stuffed into her jacket pockets, and nodded to a fair-sized crowd gathering about a block away behind the makeshift barriers closing off the filming area “Wanna jog over there and do a quick meet and greet? Could get our minds off this damn cold.”

“Or we could just go to the trailer….” Cam gave a single shoulder shrug, zipping his coat up until he could hide the lower part of his face in it.

She rolled her eyes “Oh come on, they’ve been out here longer than we have, let’s just say hey.” Before he could protest, she began walking down the broken sidewalk and towards the crowd.

He cursed under his breath, took a longing look at the trailer in the opposite direction and begrudgingly followed her to the group of fans. Despite his career, Cameron Monaghan was not a people person.

The closer they got the more jittery the fans became, some bouncing up and down, others looking faint. Mostly female but the occasional male. Emmy greeted them first with her ear to ear smile, Cam came up behind her and began shaking hands, giving a pleasant grin as he tried to decipher between what any one person was saying at any given time, everyone seemed to be speaking or yelling at once.

He had a couple pens and notepad papers shoved at him along with requests to sign his signature on various items, he complied between teeth chatters.

He stole glances over at Emmy who was a natural at this, she was made for this, sometimes he wondered if he was when these face to face moments with fans happened. He wasn’t super social, he couldn’t reach inside himself and produce a bubbly personality. He wondered if he came off as an asshole.

Suddenly a small and crumpled 4x6 photo was placed into his unexpecting hand by a strangers chilled fingertip, he took a few glances down at it before he realized it was of a familiar chubby baby with a puff of stark red hair atop its head. His brow creased, maybe someone wanted him to sign their old baby picture? He finally looked up and met the blue eyes of an older man with ginger hair, squared jaw and nervous smile. Their eyes held. Cams stomach gave an upset flip.

“Would you sign this?” the man asked, his voice was unsure, lowered. Cam had to lean forward to piece together the request over the noise around them. He nodded.

Turning the picture over, twisting the blue pen in his hand, he heard the man continue, “Uh, my name is Riley…Riley Monaghan.”

Cams breath caught in his throat as his eyes flew up to meet the blue ones across from him again, recognition and surprise alive in his gut. Surely, surely this wasn’t his dad. May be a joke, may be a distant relative.

Cam could feel himself freeze, not at all due to the dropping temperatures outdoors but everything to do with the wave of nausea that had just struck him at full force.

Taking his silence and shock-stricken face as permission to explain further the man went on, “I’m your dad, I uh…. here, please take this…” the older man all but shoved a folded-up piece of lined paper into Cam’s hand along with the still gripped picture of the baby which he could now realize was in fact himself.

Emmy must have caught the exchange because she gave the man a polite smile, grabbed onto Cams coat sleeve, excused them both and whisked him away, he still felt immobile. He knew he was moving, using his legs at least, but his mind was just a frenzy of thoughts of his mother, her pain, his pain, what the fuck was this man doing?

The next thing he knew they were sitting in the loveseat in the warmed trailer, where he should have just gone in the first place to avoid this entire fiasco.

“I need to call my mom…” he breathed out, taking the steaming cup of premade coffee Emmy handed him in both hands, curling into himself as he spoke.

She shook her head, “Later, lets get you in a better head space right now.”

There were a few stragglers, crew members milling around the snack table and Emmy cleared her throat, they nodded in understanding, hustling out the narrow door of the trailer.

He grasped the Styrofoam coffee cup in his hands and lifted it to his lips, not drinking, just letting the steam waft over his face and his eyes zone out.

Emmy scooted her small body closer to him, wrapping a small arm around him, he felt her cold nose nuzzle into his cheek and it brought him closer to earth.

“So, your dad huh?” She said softly, more of a statement than a question.

He nodded stiffly.

She knew that he was raised by his mom, they had never talked about the details, but she knew there wasn’t a father figure in his life.

“What’d he gives you?” he heard her ask, he didn’t know where the paper and photo landed once he walked inside the trailer, hell maybe they had landed somewhere outside on the cold ground. He didn’t know, did he even care?

She squeezed his shoulder and then she got up from the couch and went to the door, where sure enough, the pieces of paper in question had landed, forgotten but not.

He finally took a long sip of the warm coffee, it was black, he made a face but didn’t really care. Bitter was ok, bitter was a kick in the ass, it brought him back down from his trepidatious thoughts.

He felt his jaw clenching as he saw Emmy reading the folded scrap of paper in front of him, neutral, calculated expression on her face. He didn’t know what he wanted it to say, if anything at all.

He took another sip out of the cup in his hands, two sips, staying quiet. Trying not to be curious but failing badly.

She eventually folded the letter back into itself, coming back to the couch and resuming her previous position, rubbing a hand along his back.

“I never knew my dad, raised by a single mom my entire life.” She began. He knew to read between the lines, so he listened. “I wouldn’t trade her for anything, but sometimes I think…I wonder how different my life and memories would have been with my dad there, ya know? Its just something a fatherless kid thinks about. Sometimes when you meet someone, they can change your life, other times they can ruin it.”

He wasn’t sure where she was going with this, but he kept still and quiet, just turning his face to meet hers. Her big brown eyes meeting his lost hazel ones.

“So, I sometimes think what if my dad just shows up someday, like yours did today. What the actual hell would I do? I want to say I’d give him the cold shoulder, maybe not though. I’d want to know his story. Everyone has a story. I would want to be given the choice, you know? See what he has to say, see if I feel as though I am missing out on something or not? If he’s a piece of shit, no love lost.”

He got it. He got it now. He nodded.

“His note says he wants you to meet him, tomorrow. The Christmas tree lighting at Millennium park.”

He scrunched his forehead, “They’re already lighting Christmas trees here?”

Emmy laughed and shook her head “That’s what you took from what I just said?”

“I mean, that and I am sick and tired of freezing my fucking ass off outside.” He feigned nonchalance, taking the last gulp of room temperature coffee from the cheap cup and placing it on the floor at his feet.

Emmy turned herself more towards him and straightened up, taking his now empty hands in her own. His foot began tapping incessantly on the floor, a tick of nerves.

“I love you, you know, that right?” she queried.

He nodded.

“I won’t tell you what to do, but if it were me, I would at least want to hear the other side of the story, get closure, get a fresh start. Whatever the hell comes from it. I would want to know.” She squeezed his larger hands in her smaller ones.

He nodded again, she was right. “Yea. I know. I feel the same way. Just scared.” he admitted.      

He moved his eyes away from hers and she wrapped both her arms around his body in a bear hug.

“So, what’s there to lose, right? Your ride or dies will be here no matter what.” Her muffled voice encouraged in his ear.

He closed his eyes, unclenched his jaw. “Yea, what’s there to fucking lose.”

***

Taylor Swift was performing at the Christmas tree lighting, he had met her almost exactly a year earlier while filming ‘The Giver’ and they had hit it off. He had shot her a text soon after he saw her post on Instagram about performing and she had immediately written back to invite him to join her and a small group of friends at a gathering before her show. So that’s where he was, in a studio apartment not even a block away from the Christmas event having a gin and tonic with Taylor and her guests.

He wasn’t supposed to meet his dad for another couple of hours, so he let loose and mingled with the small group of people in the complex, most of which he recognized.

 “You look stressed.” The blonde starlet sauntered up to him as he stood drinking in hand in a corner of the room, just kind of staring out a large window, watching the sun go down in the horizon.

He shrugged and gave a crooked smile, “Meeting my dad tonight.” honesty was the best policy and he wasn’t one to beat around the bush.

She cocked her heard to the side and placed a hand on her hip. She didn’t’ know the fact that he’d never even met his dad before. “Why is that stressful?” she asked, genuinely curious.

He answered bluntly again, “Never met him before.”

Her blue eyes widened “You’re gonna need to keep these coming then…” she smirked. Nodding to the nearly empty glass in his hand,

He nodded back agreeably and in minutes he had both hands full of the same beverage.

The blonde wandered off to socialize and he was left alone again, which was preferable to him.

He was left to his own musings, he still had not called his mom, he didn’t reach out to Liana either. He felt like this was something he had to for himself, by himself. He caught himself frowning into his glass, watching the cubes of ice chase each other in the clear liquid. He wondered when he had become so closed off to the closest people to him. Maybe it was because the only person he found himself ever wanting to be with was the one person he couldn’t have. The one person he wanted to open up to and maybe even talk about his dad was the man who wanted nothing to do with him. So, he just kept his distance from everyone, maybe he felt he was broken, if someone can say they love you and then act the opposite, who can you really trust with your heart and mind? He chugged the contents of the glass in one go and began on the other, fucking Noel. Would he always pine after the man like a bitch?

As the hour passed his buzz became more intense and once again Taylor approached him, breaking him out of his mundane thoughts, looking equally intoxicated.

“Porch?” she motioned to the outdoor area that was empty due to the cooler weather, he didn’t know why he nodded a yes because he hated the fucking cold, but he followed her out the sliding door and the next thing he knew they were sitting on a couple of cushioned porch chairs and observing the crowd gathering around the 60 ft. Christmas tree, the event they were due to attend shortly.

“You ever bother with something even when you know the ending is doomed?” she began, eyes still on the view before them.

He wasn’t sure where this was going so, he just shrugged “Like what?”

“A person, a relationship.” She bit her lip.

“Aren’t half your songs about this scenario?” he gave a chuckle, watching her profile to gage her take on it. She quirked her mouth. Amused.

“What can I say, I like to make love hard.” She took a sip of her beverage and placed her feet up onto a rung of the railing in front of them.

He figured she was just drunk and in the same thoughtful mood he was in, so he waited for her to speak again.

“You think coming out hurts people in the business?”

His foggy brain was rattled. This took a turn.

He looked over at her and leaned forward, urging her eyes to meet his, when they did, he saw the pain in them. Reflecting the pain, he had seen in his own many times before.

He knew the black and white answer was yes. She probably knew that to, just wanted to hear it. He didn’t bother with that response.

“Why?” he replied.

She shrugged. Looking over her shoulder into the apartment through the large clear Windows. He followed her eyes and saw a leggy, lanky blonde in a fitted dress looking out at them, the woman lifted a hand and placed it against the glass, followed by her entire face. Making Taylor bark out a sharp laugh at the smooshed fish face of the once beautiful girl. Taylor held up a finger as if to say, “give me a minute” and then turned once more to gaze upon the crowd around the tree.

“Karlie.” Was all she had to say, and he knew.

She and Karlie Kloss had been inseparable for awhile and while he didn’t look too far into it before now, it didn’t take a genius to understand.

He glanced over to the window where the model was now turned and engaging with another guest. Smile lighting up her slender face. He had never met her but now he recognized her. This woman was Karlie.

In that moment he felt so close to her, as if they were going through the same fucking thing.

He and Noel hadn’t been intimate in months, but love doesn’t just go away like that.

“This is the price I guess, having a persona to keep, a reputation to protect. Can’t always have what you want.” She mussed, gulping down the rest of her drink, a bitter edge to her voice. “We all like the feeling of finding something real, finding real friendship or finding real love or someone that’s really gets you, that’s really honest with you. I think that’s what we’re all looking for in life. The things that scare us most in life are things that we think will threaten the prospect of us finding something real.”

“I get it.” He finally said. She looked at him curiously and he shrugged, “I really fucking get it.”

They studied each other for a beat more and then exchanged sad, knowing smiles.

 “It’s like in the movie about that mermaid. Trading your soul for love or happiness, legs, whatever. You get money and fame, but you can’t be who you are. I’m not sure it’s worth it you know?” she rambled on, but he caught every word. They made perfect sense.

“I know…. I know.” He nodded, man of few words tonight. But he did know. Boy did he know.

“Well, gotta get ready for my performance I suppose.” Taylor downed her drink and placed her feet on the ground.

In that moment he felt sad, sad for himself, sad for Taylor and Karlie, sad for anyone not able to just be fucking happy.

“Good luck with your sperm donor…” she stood up and he did the same, knowing he had to leave soon, they shared a tight embrace and she whispered into his ear before they pulled away “Tell him you love him, then let him go and just do your best to be happy.”

His throat tightened, and she walked away, back inside, nestling into Karlie’s arms and then giving her a slow, meaningful kiss. Knowing that in this little bubble of close friends they were safe, but once outside, the lions waited to attack so they would hide. And hiding is all you can ever do in their business, Taylor knew it, Cam knew it.

He couldn’t be happy he couldn’t have a forever with a man, with Noel. His job wouldn’t allow it, no matter how open minded the business let on to be. He let a single tear slip down his cheek and then he left the building, forgoing goodbyes. Ready, or not, to meet his dad.

***

The sun had gone down, he wasn’t sure how to find his dad. That word sounded weird even in his mind, now that it had a face. Maybe he should just call him Riley, but even that felt personal because that was his name.

He milled around, head down and hood up, hands in his coat pockets. The opening performers were beginning to talk and play on the stage before the giant sky-high tree. For a moment he thought that maybe he should just leave, or that his dad wouldn’t even show.

No love lost, no love lost.

That moment passed when he saw a shock of red hair matching his own to the left side of the stage, he approached the man he had seen the day before, palms sweaty and heart pounding. He had prepared some questions that needed answered; his mind went blank when their eyes met in recognition. The same nervous grin grew on the older mans face as Cam approached. Too late to back out now, he supposed.

Riley hoped down from the bench he had been standing atop of to get a better view of the crowd, probably to spot Cam easier, and ushered him to sit alongside him. Cam nodded and took a seat, his foot began bouncing on its own accord and his jaw tightened from nerves or from the cold, he wasn’t sure.

“Guess I could have picked a warmer spot, yea?” his dad nervously chuckled, their eyes met and the urge to turn them away was strong, but he made himself focus and made his eyes stay.

“It’s fine…” Cam shrugged.

A beat of silence passed but soon enough his dad filled the void with small talk, which was fine, but he knew he needed to ask the tough questions, or he’d never get to it.

He picked up the conversation during the next lull, “So mom hasn’t ever really told me a lot about why you left, details anyway. Could you fill in the blanks for me?” his voice felt caught in his throat and he was starting to sweat in his layers.

His dad dropped his eyes to his hands and nodded, “Yea, kid, yea of course. I-I was in a bad place, wasn’t fit to care for anyone, even myself.” Turns out his dad had checked into a rehab shortly after his birth, only to check out. This pattern continued several more times. “My parents had died, your grandparents. I didn’t have anyone to catch me when I fell, purely on my own. It’s a weird feeling, being alone in the world.” His dad mused.

“What about mom, Diane?” Cam asked.

His dad shrugged, eyes still at his hands “I felt detached. When you’re an alcoholic, for me at least, everything came second to myself. Diane tried to help me, but I brushed her off. Didn’t think she was serious about me, about loving me. Hell, when she told me she was pregnant I didn’t even think it was mine. Not because she got around, but because I didn’t remember most the times, we had…gotten together…at that point. Thought she was trying to trap me or something.” He scoffed at the last bit, no humor in his tone.

Cam gnawed on his bottom lip, finally getting this side of the story was overwhelming to him and he wasn’t sure what to even do or feel. So, he sat quiet, did nothing.

 He heard Taylors voice over the speakers and turned to see her introducing her song on stage, the band played, he turned his attention back to the stranger next to him.

He looked in those unfamiliar eyes when his dad finally looked up at him and wondered if it were too late. If blood even meant anything or if blood was overrated. Blood is thicker than water, was that something people just said to get something from someone?

“Are you better now?” Cam wanted to honestly know. He really wanted to hear that there was remorse, missing out on years of his life. Years of his own life. Maybe that was selfish.

The older man nodded slowly, “Everyday is a challenge, but I am trying, I truly am. Do I still have fuck ups? Yea, I’m an addict and always will be…as they say in those damn meetings.” He chuckled nervously.

They paused in their conversation to listen to Taylors performance on stage, they clapped automatically when the song ended, and she took an exaggerated bow.

“Really glad you met me here tonight.” His dad said, breaking the silence between them, bringing Cam back down to reality.

He had always wondered about his dad and here he was face to face with the man, getting answers. Maybe not all the answers. Maybe he wouldn’t leave again, maybe he could finally have answers in time, and a relationship with this man that he had only known through second hand stories and his own predetermined judgements.

“I’m glad we met too…” he finally let himself smile a genuine smile, a glimmer of teeth and all.

Their smiles were the same.

The tree lighting countdown was beginning and suddenly his mind flashed to last New Year’s. The countdown. His mood threatened to waver and all he could think of was Noel. He wanted to tell him about his dad. He wanted to share this part his life with him.

“You okay, son?”

His ears perked up. Son? Whoa.

He simply nodded.

“So, there’s something I also wanted to talk to you about…” his dad continued, moving a cautious hand to his estranged sons back.

Cam tensed on instinct.

Here its Is. The let down. The inevitable let down.

He pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and cocked his head a bit to the side. Waiting.

“So, you know how I told you that I still fuck up sometimes? Well, I owe some people some money…”

That’s all he needed to hear. He scoffed.

“That why you found me after all this time? So, I can give you money?’

“I would never ask you for a handout. I figured since my son was making a name for himself, he would maybe understand that not everyone has a get rich quick scheme. I would pay you back, I would…”

Cam couldn’t believe his ears, he was literally speechless. Get rich quick scheme? “I didn’t just fall into this, I fucking worked my ass off. Started with nothing, mom and I started with fucking absolutely nothing, thanks to you!”

He wanted to yell, scream.

“You know, I could have just offered myself up for a book deal like other kid stars parents do now days. Did I? No. Figured I would find my son. See if we could start fresh.” His dad stood to his feet, crossing his arms over his broad chest, a jut in his jaw that was all too familiar to Cam.

“Fuck you.” Cam laughed bitterly.

His dad appeared taken aback for a moment.

“Honestly, my life has been fine. Sure, I have wondered if there was something missing since you weren’t in it but now, I have my answer. You’re a user of booze and people, just like mom told me a long time ago.”

He choked back a sob because he would not show this piece of shit that kind of emotion.

“So, if I give you money then we can start fresh, if not then what? Book deal?” he asked, not really caring to even hear the answer.

His dad huffed, “Maybe this was a mistake.”

“Yeah, maybe it was.” Cam spat. Rising to his feet, the glaring light from the tree gave a spotlight to both of their stony expressions as they stood facing one another in a sort of standoff.

“How much do you fucking need to stay the fuck away from me?” he growled.

His dad looked down at his hands, almost ashamed but not ashamed enough not respond. “25,000…”

Jesus Christ. He wasn’t made of money.

“Fine. I’ll have my agent get it to you this week.”

His dad gave him a skeptical look.

“I swear. I don’t want anything else to do with you, I don’t want trouble. She will get it to you by the end of the week.”

Riley nodded slowly, pulling out torn piece of paper and a pen from his coat pocket and scratching down numbers and letters and then handing it to a livid Cam. “Okay, son.”

“Please don’t call me that. Honestly don’t you ever try and find me again because there will be a restraining order against you.”

Balling the paper up and stuffing it in his pocket he turned on his heels and headed in the opposite direction, hot tears finally allowed to roll down his cold cheeks one by one. Despite knowing that he needed to call his mom to vent through this situation because she truly would be the only person who would know what was going on and fully understand, he found himself only wanting the soothing words and strong arms of one person, one man.

***

“Noel.” The breathless all to familiar voice on the other end of the line said “You answered…”

Noel squeezed his eyes shut. He hoped it wasn’t a mistake to answer.

Not waiting for a response Cam continued, voice shaky “Where are you? Can we talk?”

He and Cam had kept their distance for several months now, speaking at work when necessary but otherwise led separate private lives. He wasn’t sure what to make of this call, maybe he answered it because it was such a random occurrence. They had seemingly made peace with parting ways the last time they had been together, intimately. It was understood.

“I’m just laying around in my hotel room, thinking about ordering some room service. What’s up? You Okay?” he crossed his fingers that Cam was okay, that maybe this was just a drunk dial, a weak moment. That nothing serious had happened to him.

Cam sniffed into the phone “I, uh, I met my fucking dad…”

Noel cursed under his breath, “Fuck, okay room 501, I’ll order us both something to eat, yea?”

He knew this was huge, and judging by the tearful sound of Cams voice, it had been a huge mess. His heart went out to the man.

“Yea, thank you. I’ll Uber over and be there in 20.” The line went dead, and Noel took his phone from his ear, glancing at the screen and then throwing it to the other bed and picking up the room phone to dial for room service. He knew just what Cam would want. No menu needed.

***

When Cam walked into the spacious hotel room his nose was met with a variety of smells. He walked further into the main room and took in the impromptu buffet on the coffee table. Noel was standing bashfully to the side of it, a gaming control in either hand.

A jar of peanut butter, a bundle of ripe bananas, Canadian bacon pizza (half with pineapple), various colorful sushi rolls all in a row. Glasses with cubed ice waiting for the contents of the whiskey bottle to be poured over them.

This was the moment when he felt that, if it were possible, his jaw would drop to the floor.

“Wow… “was all he could manage, tears once again threatening to fall.

“Too much?” Noel queried, cheeks tinged pink. “Figured we could stuff our faces and game, talk too.”

“It’s perfect. So perfect.” Cam choked out as he took long strides to place himself firmly in front of the dark-haired man whose soft eyes were so cautious before him.

The two men stood in front of each other, only a breath separating them.

Cam couldn’t find words for what this meant to him. Noel couldn’t find words for what he wanted to finally say to the man in front of him. He was going to come clean tonight, he was done hiding.

He refused to be someone Cam needed to let go, someone Cam needed to go without, someone he needed to forget, someone who kept hurting him.

He was doing enough of that already. Noel didn’t want to be just another person in Cams life who let him down in the end.

“Let’s talk…” Noel tossed a controller to the nearby couch and wrapped a hand around the nape of Cams neck, digging his fingers in just a little. Just enough.

Their eyes met, they danced. Their eyes held, they spoke.

“Yea?” Cam was breathless still. The knowledge of what this moment meant meeting him at his core.

“Yea. Let’s talk.” Noel quirked a smile, it was time.

***

The next couple of hours were spent with raised challenging voices regarding the games they played on the gaming system and mouths full of delicious junk food. Eyes twinkling and any sign of pain forgotten for the time being.

Noel knew he needed to tell Cam about Nessa and the blackmail but they had settled into such a good mood he kept putting it off. 

Eventually Noel shoved Cam in the arm with his elbow while the two were sitting side by side on the hotel couch that also served as a pull-out bed, “Come with me, lets get out of here.”

Cam raised his brows, “Tired of getting your ass beat?” he mocked, referring to the game.

Noel scoffed and met the green eyes with a challenging look, “Never.”

Cam’s breath caught but before he could say anything more, he was being dragged up and out of the room entirely. Once in the hall he matched the shorter mans stride step for step, noting the smile plastered on the other mans face.

“What are we doing?” he queried, hardly watching where they were going, busy noticing the happy aura that the dark-haired man had. It was a rare sight now, after everything. It felt good to see.

Without giving any sort of answer, Noel continued about half a dozen more doors down the hall and stopped at room 510.

“Jeremy?” Cam drew his brows together, this was Jeremy and Emma’s room. The couple usually got one room together when the cast traveled, for obvious reasons.

Noel rapped on the door. Three sharp knocks, they waited just a few seconds before Jeremy opened the door just enough to stick his head of tussled sandy curls out into the hallway.

“Fruity Pebbles?” Noel said lowly. Cam looked at his partner like he had grown a second head as Jeremy nodded with a smirk and shut the door in their faces.

“The fuck…?”

“Just wait…” was all Noel replied, still facing the closed door which opened seconds later, the same small amount for just Jeremy’s head to stick through, as well as a hand holding a cupped fist out to Noel.

“Sweet dreams, you two…” Jeremy winked.

Just before Cam was about to confront the two shady ass friends of his Emma’s voice called from inside the room “Come back to bed or I’m going to get myself off tonight, damn it!”

Cam hid a sudden giggle and Jeremy closed the door again in their faces.

Noel finally turned to face Cam and slowly, dramatically opened his palm to expose the long thin blunt within it. Biting his lip, waiting for a hopefully chill reaction from the red head.

“Fuck yea.” Was all a delighted Cam could say. He knew neither of them smoked often at all, but the occasion was most definitely right for it tonight. Escape.

Noel jerked his head to the side, motioning for Cam to follow him again and they made their way to the elevator, taking it to the very top floor of the hotel, which was designated for an upscale lounge and dining area.

The elevator doors opened to the large room that was closed for the evening, given the fact that it was now after midnight. The entire room was encased in glass from floor to ceiling, giving a strikingly breathtaking view of the Chicago skyline and letting the stars become the lights and create the ambiance for the room. There was a couple dozen tables and chairs framing a large glossy Grand piano in the middle of the floor. It was just lit enough to see one another, with additional shadows playing on the pale faces of the two men.

“Wow…” was all Cam could get out as he let his eyes take in the beautiful space, closed to all the world but them in this moment.

“Yea, I know. I got permission to come up here sometimes when I need to get out of my head and run lines alone. I just lay on the floor and look up at the stars through the glass and it feels almost like meditating.” Noel mused, leading the pair deeper into the room.

Cam nodded in understanding.

“So, get Fruity Pebbles from Jer often?” Cam had to ask the question still floating in his mind, he didn’t care really. It was just that Noel surprised him, that was something that he liked about the man, when he thought he may know what to expect, he would have an Ace in his sleeve.

Noel chuckled, “Nah, maybe like once or twice when I need to just stop thinking…”

“Huh…your head seems troublesome.” Cam observed, chancing a long stare at Noels profile, illuminated by the bright lights of the city towers surrounding them outside.

He just shrugged, a forlorn look glossing over his features before being replaced by the nonchalance he had exude moments before.

Now was the time, say it now... Noel's conscience urged. 

They were in the middle of the room now, Noel lowered himself to the floor, soon laying flat on his back and digging a lighter from his pocket to light the blunt with. Cam followed suit and soon they were sharing the smoke and sharing laughs like they hadn’t been distant for the past several months. There was a friendship at the heart of everything they had become, and that friendship always prevailed when they opened themselves up to it.

The stars were dim above them, due to the city lights surrounding them, but they were still visible. The two men were well into the depths of the drug now and were both feeling the vulnerability that went along with that.

This was it, this was the moment to speak. Noel took a deep breath and opened his mouth but was cut off my Cams quiet voice. 

“I used to blame him, then I blamed myself. I was the fucking poster child for daddy issues. Maybe I wanted those men to take advantage of me, maybe I wanted it, ya know? Even though in the moment I knew I didn't. Guess I wanted to feel some kind of need from them. A need for me, so I could be wanted. Needed.”

They shared the smoke for a long and pregnant few minutes before anything more was said. It was almost gone now, dwindled down to a small roach.

“You should tell him that.” Noel finally said, his voice sounding raspy as it came out through his lips, smoke following suit.

Another pause and then he continued. “For you, for your closure, if that’s possible. Not for him, but for you.”

For you, not for him.

Cam felt like he couldn’t catch a breath, he cleared his throat as his eyes began to well up and he blamed his loosened state of mind.

Sensing the heavy cloud that had come over them, Noel propped himself up on one elbow, looking at the skylight lit face of the beautiful man next to him.

“Want me to play you a song?” his head cocked towards the Grand piano not to far from them as the red head brought his pained eyes to meet the shadowed deep blue ones.

They shared a solemn smile and slowly but surely brought themselves over to the large, glossy piano just begging to have fingers bring it to life.

Noel leveled himself onto the seat as if he belonged there, his delicate fingers laid upon the white keys as if they were coming home.

He began playing and Cam listened for a beat or two.

Creep. Radiohead.

Cams whole face lit up as Noel continued, playing with more fervor as the song went on.

He hoped up onto the broad instrument and sprawled out like a starfish, eyes meeting the sky once again. His smile enveloping his face. He was fucking happy in this moment and he wasn’t about to stop the feeling with logic and reason.

The two stayed silent as the song played through, save for Cam humming bits and pieces of the melody on occasion. Forearms holding the back of his head, eyes closed and feeling the vibrations of the Grand beneath his body, surrounding his body.

Sharing this night with Noel had meant everything to him, his heart felt so full, despite the events that had transpired earlier with his dad. Noel had been there to put him back together. The gentle finesse that struck the ivory keys had put his head back onto his shoulders. He breathed deeply in and out as the song came to an end. There was a beat or two of silence that followed. Both men lost in their thoughts of the other.

Finally, Noel cleared his throat, “So, I guess this means you’re my pretty woman?” the reference caught Cam off guard, and he remembered vaguely the scene from the movie involving the piano, Julia, and Richard. He turned onto his stomach, facing Noels smiling face, and jutted his chin as he ran his long fingers through his tussled hair dramatically.

Noel chuckled and stood up from the bench, bringing their faces close together, Cam froze, their eyes searched each other face for a long moment before Cam spoke, barely above a whisper, “In case I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight…”

Noel brought a hand to cup Cams face, rubbing a thumb slowly along his cheek as they continued to breath shallowly and time sputtered out and came to a stop in their little corner of the darkened top floor lounge in the ‘windy city’. Noel would tell Cam of the blackmail another day, soon, but he didn't want it to potentially ruin what tonight had become. A memory that they could both share, that they'd look back on even if everything between them went to shit someday. 

The moment was interrupted by the clearing of a throat, that didn’t belong to either of the two entranced men. Cam shot up into a sitting position on the piano and Noel coughed and shuffled on his feet, both straining their eyes to make out a figure near the entrance to the room.

“Mr. Fisher? Sir?” a hesitant male voice spoke into the open space.

“Yes?”

“There is someone looking for you in the lobby, I figured you may be up here after I received no response from your room, and I had not seen you leave the building…”

Noel now realized it was the hotels manager, the same one that had suggested the lounge as a place to come for silence and rehearsal.

“Thank you, Joseph. I’ll be right down.”

The shadowed figure of the manager nodded and turned to leave the room.

The moment had been broken and now the two friends were standing next to each other, their night had come to a halt. Noel had no idea who would be wanting to see him at this time of night.

“Well, guess we had better get going. Should be getting to bed anyway, I’m going to call bio dad tomorrow and take your advice.” Cam finally broke the stale air between the two. Noel wondered if they could somehow always keep themselves in a bubble, they were always themselves with each other when they opened up, when they were alone, when they just were.

He nodded, rubbing his eyes and letting a yawn escape, “Good, let me know how it goes?”

Cam nodded in response, “Of course. Thanks again, for you know…this.” He motioned with an arm to the room and then the sky above them.

“Anytime, man.” Noel said. But they both knew it was a lie. Anytime wasn’t a schedule that they could ever abide by.

***

Noel stepped out of the elevator, still on a now metaphorical high from his time with Cam, his headed towards the lobby of the hotel and saw the mane of jet-black curls sitting cross legged in the cushioned chair across from the front desk.

Layla.

She was biting her thumb nail on one hand and tugging at a dark strand of locks with the other.

Noels feet kept bringing him closer to her, still not yet seen. His head was wondering what brought her here, assuming it was yet another instance of her checking up on him.

Their eyes finally met, and their smiles stretched just shy of their eyes at the same moment.

“I tried your room and phone, I didn’t get an answer.” Layla began. Noel didn’t miss the suspicion in her tone.

“I was rehearsing in the lounge and I must have left my phone in my room…” he quickly responded. Face heating.

She nodded weakly and he went to her and wrapped his arms around her in greeting.

“So, this is a surprise.”

“Yea, I know you hate those and think I’m spying on you, but I swear it’s not my intention tonight.” She was almost stoic, too calm.

Noel lead her into the elevator and up to his room, remembering a moment to late the mess that he and Cam had made of his room with food and booze just hours before. Yet to be cleaned up.

He cursed to himself as he put his room key into the horizontal slot and waited for the inevitable blow up.

He was gnawing on his bottom lip as they entered the room, Layla took in the mess around them.

He didn’t dare look in her direction but instead opted to start the clean up process.

“So, what’d you do tonight besides rehearse?” her voice was again almost too calm and level.

The room felt too small.

He continued to shovel trash into the small trashcan he had snatched from the room to busy himself.

“Hung out with some friends.” He hated the waver in his voice. He knew she heard it. A decade together made sure you don’t miss anything about another person.

Layla plopped down on his bed, she picked up the thick and puffy gray winter coat with a fur hood and held it at arms length.

“New coat?”

They both knew it wasn’t Noels at this point. Wasn’t even his style.

Noel rolled his neck, “No.”

It was a waiting game at this point. Which would call the others bluff now.

Lies detected.

He chanced a glance at her, she looked exhausted, they both were. It was nearly 3am now. He knew he wasn’t going to sleep tonight because a war was about to wage.

She stood abruptly, he placed the full to the brim waste basket on the floor and they faced each other.

“Quit.” Was all she said, her gaze hard.

“We didn’t do anything.”

“No, quit the show.”

Noels brows shot to his hairline. “No!”

“I’m not going to do this anymore.” Layla sighed, almost sounding resigned.

A slight panic filled his body. “We didn’t do anything, Layla…” he repeated.

“I can’t do this anymore, wondering if you’re wanting him instead of me. Wondering who the fuck you actually are. Fucking choose, him or me. The show or us.” Her face was distorting into a pained pose.

The very first thought that came to mind was him. Him. But he didn’t even know where he stood with Cam now.

His pause led way to Layla speaking once more as she moved towards him, hand on her stomach.

“It’s this job and Cameron or it’s me and this baby of yours.” She breathed. His gaze dropped to her stomach, color drained from his face.

“You’re pregnant??” he felt like his heart dropped to his feet.

She nodded.

Layla was pregnant, they were pregnant.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  The Emma I refer to with Jeremy is Greenwell. They had dated and were possibly engaged around this time frame. 
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